by Sarah Bross | Jul 21, 2022 | Life Advice, Relationships
Dear single girl,
Let’s talk about #couplegoals. This idea of the cutest love stories. The love of your life and you finally meet him and he’s everything – you get along, you make each other laugh, you have the same favorite restaurant and the same favorite hobbies and he likes dogs just as much as you do! You can’t wait for a lifetime of ice cream dates and movie nights and exploring new places and starting a family and serving God with the man of your dreams.
This is my story, with my husband, Zack. I met the guy who just made me SO happy, who I felt like I could be fully myself around, who I have so much fun with. We met in high school, we take cute-sy photos and put them on instagram, and sometimes people comment #couplegoals.
You’ll find that person someday, too. But in the meantime, let’s break down #couplegoals. I always laugh when I see someone comment something like this on one of our photos. One time one of our photos even got used in a viral #couplegoals tiktok. But here’s the facts: we are not perfect, at all.
Recently I received a message from a college girl asking for advice in relationships, saying she looks up to Zack and I’s relationship and wants what we have, but has trouble trusting the timing of when she will find that person and was just feeling a little lost.
Here’s what I’ve learned:
Zack and I have a great marriage now, but it wasn’t always this easy. We grew up together. Like, since we were 16. That leaves a lot of room for growing and maturing and making mistakes and hurting each other along the way. Maybe people see us now and think “goals” but here’s the reality: every relationship on this side of heaven has flaws, pain, and messiness. We need Jesus in our lives, his grace, his forgiveness to be a model for us as we pursue great relationships on earth.
10 years with Zack has taught me this: Your relationship with your spouse/BF can never replace your relationship with God. Why? Because God loves you perfectly, and no matter how hard your spouse might try, they can’t.
“This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. He loves you with a perfect, reckless love that we as followers of Christ are called to emulate (“we also ought to love one another”) but we aren’t God, we aren’t perfect. We mess up.
It’s been the times that I put Zack in the number 1 position in my life that things have been off. Every time he did something that hurt my feelings the pain was deeper, every disagreement felt worse. Too much of my need for perfect love and acceptance was falling on an imperfect person. Friend, it isn’t good for you, and it’s unfair to put that pressure on someone else as well.
At one point, about 7 years in, I had to face my biggest fear: which was losing Zack. We hit a really rough patch in our relationship. There were lots of tears and lots of nights where I felt so alone, rejected, confused and heartbroken. I thought this was the man of my dreams. I thought he was who God had for me. We were best friends but now everything seemed to be falling apart. I had given 7 years of my life to this man and I wanted desperately with everything in me to be his wife one day, but the path he was on and our future was looking increasingly bleak.
This went on for a few months, and it was one of the most emotionally crushing few months I’ve ever experienced. I clung to God and prayed. I asked for him please please please to let me and Zack work things out. I asked him to bring Zack back to him. Nothing seemed to work. Was God ignoring my prayers? I thought he wanted me to be with Zack, but now he seemed so silent.
Here’s where the breakthrough came: A few months in, I surrendered. I said to God, “Lord I want this. Near as much as I want to breathe I want to be with Zack. But, God you are more important to me that he is. You love me more perfectly. My life is yours. If Zack isn’t who you have for me, I will walk away right now. I pray you give me the bravery to do so. I surrender this desire to you. I am done trying, I am just going to listen to you. Whatever you tell me to do, I will do it. I trust you to bring me into the life you have for me.”
Sometimes I think God wants to give us what we want, but he knows that first we need a lesson in who is our #1 and who is our #2.
God is your #1 and your spouse is your #2. When I surrendered this desire to God, I finally could live my day to day in freedom. I felt a peace wash over me because I didn’t have to strive and try to get what I wanted through my own power. I had a peace knowing that God was directing my steps, and as long as I followed him, I would be ok.
After I surrendered, Zack and I’s relationship started improving. The life he was leading started to change. He grew just as much as I did in this season, but in other ways. This season of hardship was preparing him to be a husband as much as it was preparing me to be a wife. I HAD to learn that lesson. God knew I couldn’t enter into marriage looking at Zack as my #1. It wasn’t fair to him to expect him to love me perfectly. Only God can do that.
In a season of singleness you might feel the same kind of desperation. The “why, God, why?!” the “all my friends are finding boyfriends, what is wrong with me?!” Friend, nothing is wrong with you! But what if God is trying to save you from the heartache that I experienced that comes with putting your boyfriend in the number one spot in your life. What if God is waiting for you to surrender that desire to him and let him be your number one. So that way he knows you’re ready.
Surrender is hard. But God loves you perfectly. He knows your desire for a spouse. He sees that. If you’re in a season of waiting, you have to know that his goodness is all over that. He knows that He needs to be your number 1 first before you meet that person for that relationship to be as good and sweet as possible.
So, single girls, the best thing you can do right now is seek your 1. Pursue God. Spend time in the word, try to grasp and wrap your mind around his perfect love (Ephesians 3:18). Pray for your future spouse. How sweet is it to think you are storing up prayers for them to benefit from in the future. This is the best way to love them before you know them. When God’s timing is right, you will meet them. And when you do, you will be right where you need to be with God to avoid the heartache that comes with placing them in the number 1 spot in your life.
You will be in the perfect place to seek your 1 with your 2. And that is #couplegoals.
Sarah Bross is a fashion + faith blogger from St. Louis, Missouri currently living in Long Island, New York with her husband, Zack. She loves seeking out the joyful parts of life, making things fun, watching sunsets, going on ice cream dates and finding adventure – even at Target. Say hi on instagram @sarahkbross
by Sadie Robertson Huff | Jul 19, 2022 | Featured, Life Advice, Relationships, Wisdom
What’s up, fam! I’m so excited to share this Whoa That’s Good episode with you featuring my favorite person! Christian and I got to sit down to answer your DMs a couple weeks ago and I just HAD to share it on the blog! Here are a few of our best pieces of advice for some of the questions that you guys asked. Let’s dive in!
- “My boyfriend and I have been dating for several years. We’ve done devotionals together and several Bible studies, but he’s decided he no longer wants to do those things. We still go to church together. How do I navigate this situation without seeming controlling since I want to go deeper with my relationship with Christ?”
Christian kicked off his response by reminding us that anyone can pretend to be someone for the first six months. Whether it’s going to church or actually a personality thing, once you filter through that and reach an extended period of time, it’s possible that a person’s true colors will show and reveal that they might have been faking it all along. A lot of people say, “He was so great at the beginning. If we could just get back to that point we’d be good.” Unfortunately, who he acts like now is probably who he really is and he was just faking who he wanted to present himself as in the beginning. This could also be the same circumstances with a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend.
The truth is, anyone can go to church. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a Christian. I think in a relationship, you want Christ to be your 24/7. I want Christ to be that in my relationship with Christian. Jesus shouldn’t just be something you bond over on Sundays. He should be a point of conversation in our everyday because He is the number one person in both of our lives. That’s when your relationship is truly centered on God, and not just an afterthought.
- “What is the best advice you could give for a newly engaged couple?”
I think the best advice, especially in the engagement season, is just to know that you are not preparing just for a wedding – you’re preparing for a marriage. I’m so glad Christian and I received that advice and lived that way throughout our engagement season. It allowed me to not really stress about the details of the wedding because that wasn’t where I was placing value during that season. Value was placed on what our marriage would be like. This was shown through marriage counseling and asking all the questions of “how were you raised?”, “what are our expectations?”, etc.
So, I put so much of my thought process into preparing for our actual marriage and not just a wedding. Does that mean that everything went perfectly on our wedding day? HA, no. My hair literally turned pink the day before. But it was still awesome! And we felt so ready for marriage because we used our engagement season to prepare. Your wedding is one day, but you’re married for the rest of your life.
- “Is it okay to spend time with the opposite gender when you’re in a relationship?”
So, for instance, would it be acceptable for Christian to spend time alone with another woman if he and I were dating? Christian and I have always had a boundary of never spending time alone with the opposite gender, even to this day. Or if someone of the opposite gender DMs me, I’ll likely bring it up to Christian in casual conversation. Of course, not necessarily if it’s a super close friend or something of that sort. You know, you look at people and think, “They’ll never cheat.” And that’s not always the case. It’s not that people necessarily set out with the intention to hurt the other person, but one thing can lead to another. So, we set pretty strict boundaries because we don’t want the door to ever be open to that.
I heard somewhere that Billy Graham wouldn’t even get on an elevator if there was just a woman on it. Strict boundaries can be set without being crazy and controlling or jealous and envious. I was in a relationship previously where we didn’t trust each other at all. But with Christian, I fully trust him and he fully trusts me. It’s not that we think we would do anything. We just don’t want to put ourselves in a position where we would have to make a tough decision or make a moment awkward that doesn’t have to be. There’s so much room for the enemy to feed when you’re alone with the opposite gender, especially when you’re in a relationship.
- “What would you tell your younger self who felt like they were never going to find the right one for them?”
I would tell my younger self to chill. I was so obsessed with who was going to be my future husband, which is fun to think about. But thinking about it from the context of if God has created someone to be my husband, he will come at the perfect timing. And Christian did. But I wish I had enjoyed my seasons beforehand more than I did. I wish I’d focused more on where I was at in the moment rather than everything that would come. Christian chimed in by mentioning that he was a big rom-com fan growing up. So, he always pictured his story would play out a certain way and never really stressed too much about it. He said we really are living out the rom-com he always pictured!
- “How do you respectfully co-exist with people in your life who believe differently with you?”
I had to get out my phone for this one because I was rereading my journal I started last year on my birthday and finished on my birthday this year. It’s basically a compilation of things that I experienced, prayed for, etc. Last year I wrote this in my journal and I thought this was really reflective of many of my prayers last year. This is what it said:
“I feel like I’m sitting about watching the world lose their mind. The hard thing is knowing how can I help. Proverbs 14:12 is so present in our generation right now. ‘There is a way that seems right to a man but in the end, it leads to death.’ The seriousness of this makes me want to speak out, but I know the culture will cancel me the minute that I do. It’s hard to navigate.”
I watched this video of this girl from North Korea who said that she knew speaking the truth was a risk, but not speaking it was even worse. So, then I went on to say, “If I don’t speak the truth, who am I really helping? If I do, am I causing too much harm that limits me helping. God, I’m genuinely asking. It feels like a wrestle, and I don’t know if I’m just comforting myself in my excuses or using wisdom. God, I know Jesus reclined with the sinners and how did He speak truth and yet keep the sinners at the table?”
I wrote that and I remember praying that prayer so much last year. This prayer of “I want to help, but if this helping is hurting then I won’t help.” Then I remembered that Jesus was fully love and fully truth. And I just asked “How it was possible to sit at the table with people who think so differently than me and they stay at the table because they know that I love them and genuinely care about them?” Then I thought about it. Jesus spoke truth into people’s lives while also loving them well, and not everyone DID stay at the table. Not everyone did believe He was the Son of God or even liked Him. So, the risk of standing on the Word of God is that some people will think you’re crazy and that’s just a part of it. He even said that if the world hates us, just remember that it hated Him first.
But just to answer this question in one sentence, be as much like Jesus as you possibly can be. That doesn’t mean shy away from the truth. Jesus is the truth. But while Jesus was fully truth, He was fully love. So, show people love, truth, and grace all at the same time. I think when you come in to a situation and you’re there to love instead of judge, it creates space for co-existing. It’s okay to co-exist without conforming to the pattern of the world. You can stand on the Word of God fully and still love people well.
- “How do I start my own ministry?”
My best advice is that if you want to do ministry, then do ministry where you’re at. Ministry is loving God and people well. If you can’t do that in your community with your people, I hate to say it, but you’ll never be able to do that on a huge platform. Having a platform and doing ministry is a huge blessing to reach so many people, but it is not for the faint of heart. It is definitely hard and there are so many aspects of it that you don’t see. That’s why I would say to not just wish for a platform to do ministry. Do ministry well where you’re at. Essentially, we should all be doing ministry. If you are a believer, you should consider yourself a minister of the Gospel because that’s what we’re called to do. God’s not going to ask you to do something that’s outside of your capability or ability to do. If He’s calling you to ministry, then He’s already equipped you to do that ministry. Look in your hands and see what you have. How can you serve in your church? How can you serve in your community?
I think so many of us want to have our own ministry and one of the reasons I decided to give Live Original the name it has is because I didn’t want it to be about Sadie. I wanted it to be bigger than me and I’m thankful to say that I’m trying to build something that will really outlive me. So, my prayer is that when I die, this message will still be going and people won’t be talking about Sadie, they’ll be talking about the message of the Gospel. I think when you’re trying to build a platform, you try to build it for yourself. But when you build the Kingdom, it’s actually not about you, it’s about the world around you. Ask yourself how he has called and equipped you. Christian reminded us to start with our family, friends, and the people we work with. It all starts with having conversations about faith and asking people how they’re really doing.
- “How do you balance dressing cute and staying modest?”
We’re certainly in a culture right now where it’s the norm to show more skin. I remember in high school it seemed like the guys only noticed the girls who showed more. And I would think, “No guy will ever notice me if I cover up all the time.” But the right guy and right people will actually treasure you for the modesty that you have. Christian’s actually probably stricter than I am with what I wear because he has so much respect for me. And I’m truly so appreciative of that. I think modesty ultimately boils down to respect for yourself and for other people.
Personally, when I workout, I can usually wear whatever I want, since I go to an all-girls gym. But if I go to a different gym, I’m cautious about what I wear because I want to respect the guys around me and I want to respect myself. God made you beautifully and wonderfully and gave you a body to steward well. You were made more than enough. So, you don’t have to go flaunt your body to be more than enough.
- “How do you get over a person who made you believe they liked you, then they ghosted you? Would it be wise to wait on them or move on?”
Christian said it plain and simple: “Move on girl.”
But really though, it goes back to respect. You’re worth more than someone just ghosting you. They better have a pretty dang good reason when they get back from their little ghosthood. Christian said that most “ghostings” he’s seen have just been manipulation. It’s different if there’s a logical reason for it, such as someone’s phone breaking. But Christian said he feels like a lot of time it’s linked with manipulation and a need to keep you on the hook type of thing.
I mean, let’s be honest. If we’re actually trying to figure out who the one is for us, what’s the point in playing games? Just respect yourself enough to not wait around for this guy or girl to come back around every so many months. I remember when a friend of mine walked through this. A certain guy would text her every three weeks or so, and she would just hang on to that. She’d talk about it and read into it so much. One time when he ghosted her, we looked at Instagram and saw that he was ENGAGED. Like what?! She was so crushed because she was always hanging on to that next text. You don’t want to get in a position where someone is just stringing you along as if you’re a plan b. Someone will come along and treasure you so much that they’ll respond in a timely manner because they care about you. Christian did such a great job of that when he pursued me. There was never the question of whether or not I’d hear from him. Wait for that person, sis!
Wow, these were all great questions! I hope that these questions don’t just stay between me, you, and Christian. I hope they extend to conversations with your family, friends, significant other, or whoever it may be for you. Just to throw this out there, if something we said doesn’t align with what you believe is true, throw it out the window. But if it aligns with the Word of God, I hope that you know you can apply some of this truth to your life. Have the BEST day, friend!
by Mattie Selecman | Jul 14, 2022 | Healing, Life Advice, Wisdom
Last week, I had the privilege of sitting down with Mattie Jackson Selecman on the WTG podcast and I could not be more excited to share that conversation with you today! As many of you might know, Mattie is the daughter of Alan Jackson. She wrote the book “Lemons on Friday” and it is an incredible story of the way God has moved in her life. A few questions the book answers are “how did I get here?”, “will this always hurt?”, “who am I now?” and “how do I move forward?” and some of you may be asking similar questions in your life right now. So, let’s dive into the conversation with Mattie. I truly believe it’s going to meet you where you’re at.
We kicked off this episode with the question of the podcast: What is the best piece of advice you’ve ever been given? Mattie said, the piece of advice that has stuck with her most through the years came to her when she graduated college. She studied creative writing at the University of Tennessee and had always wanted to be a writer. Her dad wrote songs and her mom was an author herself. So, naturally, Mattie gravitated toward writing. Once she graduated, her dad said to her, “Sugar, I think you have this gift, but you need to live your life and you’ll end up writing about your life itself.” At that point, she didn’t understand what he meant. She also felt like all the jobs she had been working in her twenties were just wasting her time. “Lemons on Friday” is not the story Mattie hoped to be her first to write about. But she remembers thinking back on her dad’s advice and how he was right. There’s so much in his advice that anyone can learn from, especially people early in life or transitioning into a new season.
Mattie is such a goal oriented and to-do list person, and the advice that her dad offered gave her permission to not know exactly what lies ahead. It encouraged her to follow the way God was leading her heart and work hard where she is knowing that God will weave the pieces together. She realized that not having a plan is sometimes okay.
I love that mentality. So many people have the mindset of believing God will eventually do something, so they sit back and don’t do anything in the waiting process. But we need to get up and work while we wait. Because normally it’s what you’re working on while you wait that’s preparing you for what’s to come. That’s exactly what was happening in Mattie’s story. It’s really cool to note that Mattie was passionate about and extremely gifted in writing. A lot of people end up having these crazy experiences they end up writing about in a book, and the writing might not be just amazing, but it’s a great story. But Mattie’s is unique because her story is very powerful and her writing is incredibly powerful. That’s why I think this book is a great read.
With that being said, I asked Mattie a bit about her life and the journey to where she’s at now. She began by mentioning that she grew up in Nashville in the country music environment, as her dad was heavily involved in it. Looking back at how her dad managed his career put a little seed in Mattie’s heart that she wanted to do something different. She always had a dream of being creative, which doesn’t always offer a ton of job opportunities after college. Even though she had a writing degree, she still needed a job that would pay the bills. So, at 22 years old, she started working in restaurants. Well, by way of that experience, she got a lot of exposure to wine and fell in love with it. Her parents didn’t really drink wine growing up, but Mattie loved that the world of wine wrapped up all things food, culture, and so forth. Her twenties were spent in the food and wine industry. She studied and got certifications in it, worked for an importer, and began doing all the things that she was passionate about.
As a result, she ended up moving back to Nashville and opening a restaurant there. In the process of getting her restaurant up and running, she met her husband, Ben, and fell in love quickly. They eventually got married and a couple weeks prior to their first anniversary, something tragic happened.
Mattie began to share about that time in her life and how it resulted in Mattie writing “Lemons on Friday.” The Labor Day weekend of the year following their wedding, they’d taken a trip to Florida with some friends. When getting on the boat, Ben slipped and hit his head on the concrete dock. Mattie rushed over to make sure everything was okay, but wasn’t too worried at that point. She figured at the most, he might have had a concussion. Thankfully, some EMTs were nearby and after checking him out, told Mattie to take Ben to the emergency room. Ben was in the hospital for 12 days, having multiple brain surgeries, all while being in a medically induced coma. The 12th day, Mattie received a phone call informing her that Ben’s heart was failing, and that she’d need to say her goodbye to him. This was three weeks before their first anniversary.
I’m so thankful that Mattie chose to share her story, because I know there are plenty of people who can relate. Many of you reading this now can probably relate. I asked Mattie how she got through all the “why” questions and coped with the fact that sometimes life plays out differently than how we’d like it to. She responded with some timely wisdom. She began by reminding us that although life is not guaranteed, when instances like death do occur, it’s common for us to have huge questions of faith. This is what “Lemons on Friday” is all about. Mattie said she’d never experienced a tragedy prior to Ben’s death. She had no idea how to manage grief or even what it would feel like. All she knew to do at that point was be honest about the questions she had for God. So, she wrote them down in a journal.
Her biggest question was, “How do I accept that God is good and sovereign, but He didn’t choose to intervene for me?” Mattie had to come to the realization that God didn’t cause Ben’s death to happen. He didn’t long for Mattie to suffer. But if she believed in a God who is good and sovereign, she had to accept that He allowed it.
Mattie said that after all her questions, she felt God ask her, “If I gave you all the answers, what would it change?” She realized that it wouldn’t change her circumstances. At that point, she had to choose trust over understanding.
I love how Mattie took the time to actually wrestle with God. I think so many people are a bit falsely naïve to things and don’t want to talk about the bad. But you also have to understand and acknowledge that bad things do happen, all while seeing God even in the midst of the bad.
Mattie began to dive into everything she dealt with after the funeral. The last thing Mattie wanted to do was put a scripture band-aid on something that is a gaping wound. She believes that the only way to get through tragedy and grief is to hold onto God’s promises in one hand and in the other hand be honest about how broken you are. If you look at people in scripture, they don’t sugarcoat their circumstances. We cheapen our faith when we don’t invite God in the really hard parts. He wants to be our joy. She encourages us to rest in the fact that difficult seasons strengthen our faith often more than easy seasons do. She reminds us that our doubt doesn’t necessarily undermine our faith. Often, it enriches it.
I asked Mattie to share about hers and Ben’s first anniversary. She said that one of the biggest things she learned throughout this process is that God is so personal. As she was approaching their anniversary, she was flooded with anxiety and grief. Even though she knew it would be brutal, she knew that Ben would want her to be celebrating. So, she planned a small get together with his and her family, but woke up the day of and had no desire to celebrate. As she sat at home that morning, she opened a gift from Ben which he’d planned months in advance for their anniversary. The gift was a bouquet of paper roses made of hymnal pages. Mattie was so comforted in that moment by the fact that God knew she would need Ben’s gift. She saw this as reassurance that God is in the midst of difficult moments.
This reminds me of a verse in Isaiah:
“The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God endures forever.” (Isaiah 40:8)
Most people get real flowers on their anniversary, but God in his kindness gave Mattie flowers that would last forever.
I then asked Mattie to share her thoughts on how to love people well in their heartbreak. I remember when my great grandfather died, I started avoiding my great grandmother because I didn’t know what to say or how to act. But all she wanted was for me to show up. Mattie began to share how her community comforted her during her time of grief. She reminded us that different people need different things. For her, she never wanted to be alone. She said in that time, the words didn’t even matter, just their presence. There were moments she wanted to get lost in listening to someone else’s life because that felt like a bit of normalcy. There were also moments where she just wanted to cry about Ben or tell a funny story and laugh. Her friends were very understanding of this and accommodating.
I loved this advice that Mattie gave. “Just ask.” So many times, we think we need to have all the answers. But a lot of times, asking a question is the best way to go.
Next, I was extremely excited to ask Mattie about a God dream she had during this season. Mattie said that after Ben’s death, many people would call her and tell her about a dream they’d had about Ben. The message of each dream was always that Ben was at home with the Lord. So, she began to pray and ask God for one of these dreams herself. Three months after Ben died, she woke up, threw on a flannel, and immediately wrote down the dream she’d just had. The dream was basically a trip to Heaven. In the dream, Ben was standing near a bunch of shops while talking to friends. Then Ben’s dad ran up and gave him a hug while making conversation. Once Ben saw Mattie, he ran over and brought her shopping with him. He picked out a flannel just like one he had in real life and put it on. Mattie and Ben kept walking and saw a pack of little yellow labs, just like the one they’d gotten a few months before. It’s like Ben was showing Mattie where their life together on Earth and Ben’s life in heaven were intersecting.
In the dream, Ben told Mattie, “I have to go, but you will be okay.” And as he walked away, Mattie saw lots of lashes on his back. She immediately asked him what had happened, and he responded with, “Mattie, it is the coolest story, but you already know it.” In the hospital, Mattie had seen holes all in Ben’s hands from the IVs, markings on his feet, and it looked like he had a crown of thorns on his head because he’d had staples. She remembered looking down and feeling like that was how God saw him, with every scar. He was covered by Christ. Mattie felt as if her dream was confirmation from God that what she saw was true. She realized that the only part of Ben she didn’t see in the hospital was his back. So, when he walked away in the dream, she knew that he had those scars too. It gave her permission to let him go. I love everything about Mattie’s dream. God literally gave her an image of Christ when Ben was laying in the hospital bed.
Mattie then directly encouraged the people who are currently walking through grief. She reminded us that if we ever feel like God is silent, know that He never is. She also encourages us to keep asking for what our heart needs. He wants to give us good things.
Everything was a trigger for Mattie at the beginning. If you’re experiencing grief currently, you may feel the same way. Mattie’s encouragement is to write these things down and try to figure out how to feel the sadness and let it out. With time and faith, these wounds won’t cut as deeply as they might now. When you take the time to respect how painful these things are, they will actually help in your healing. I heard a sermon recently that talked about how Jesus fully felt every emotion and still remained in relationship with the Father. This is confirmation that it’s okay to feel emotions, even if those emotions are sadness and anger. These emotions don’t make you weak, they’re actually a part of making you strong.
Mattie’s book, “Lemons on Friday” is so inspiring and I highly encourage you to give it a read!
by Kayla Nordlum | Jul 12, 2022 | Healing, Life Advice, Wisdom
Let me just start by saying, HEARTBREAK SUCKS, but unfortunately it is part of the human experience, and as awful as heartbreak is, it’s important. We need pain as an inner-warning to stay away from things that will and can continue to hurt us, so this blog isn’t about not experiencing heartbreak, but about avoiding unnecessary heartbreak.
Heartbreak is going to happen to you (super positive start I know, but keep reading) whether self-inflicted or an unexpected incident it just is, but it doesn’t have to consume your everyday life. YOU CAN get out of the cycles of constant heartbreak, and step into a full life where you learn, with Jesus, to guard your heart (Proverbs 4:23).
It’s not going to be easy, but I want to help you break up with self-inflicted heartbreak.
Whether you are currently in a season of heartbreak or have recently walked through it, you know that the pain of a broken heart is almost worse than the pain of a broken arm. I believe if we polled the audience right now and asked the question, would you rather have a broken arm or a broken heart? We would get an overwhelming response of people who would take the broken arm.
Why is that?
I believe it’s because the healing process of a physical injury is more straight-forward than the healing process of an emotional one.
We want results now, and we definitely don’t want to wander into an unknown healing process with no end date. So, why does my heart break? Am I alone in my heartbreak? How do I stop breaking my own heart?
Glad you asked. Let’s dive in.
Why does my heart break?
Heartbreak was never a part of God’s original design. In Genesis 1, God created human beings in his image and then He rested and saw that it was all very good. Heartbreak is what happened in Genesis 3, when sin came in and filled the world. Now pain, heartbreak, and trouble is a part of our everyday lives, even though that was never the intent for our human experience.
Although heartbreak is not a new concept, scientists have recently discovered the connection between emotional and physical pain is greater than originally realized.
It seems silly to think that that was just now realized when the Bible has said that all along – I mean ask anyone who has been betrayed, lied to, cheated on, I’m guessing 10/10 they will tell you they felt unpleasant physical symptoms from such an awful emotional experience.
In studying about heartbreak and the connections between emotional and physical pain, I found that Dopamine and Oxytocin are the hormones released when we “feel good”, which then makes us want to repeat certain behaviors to release these hormones over and over again, this is also commonly described as the feeling of “being in love”. On the other hand, when we experience heartbreak, loss, or betrayal, another hormone is released, the stress hormone called cortisol. This is the fight or flight hormone, and too much of this hormone can cause extreme unpleasant physical symptoms such as anxiety, panic, nausea, weight gain, or weight loss.
The reason I bring all of this to your attention is that we are not helpless in stopping the cycles of heartbreak. Yes, heartbreak is inevitable, but there are ways to avoid self-inflicted heartbreak, and knowing the connection between our emotional experiences and physical symptoms are important in combating and stopping unnecessary heartbreak.
Am I alone in my heartbreak?
You are not alone. Unfortunately, every human on this planet experiences heartbreak in some way. It may not all be at the same level, but heartbreak is unavoidable for each person, but taking it further than that – I believe two of the greatest lies the enemy tells us is: you are alone in your heartbreak and no one has ever been as heartbroken as you.
I’m going to debunk both of those right now:
Lie #1, you are alone in your heartbreak.
Truth: God is near to you, he’s close to you, he’s close to the brokenhearted, the ones who are crushed by the weight of this world. You read that in Psalm 34:18,
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
In Psalm 56:8 you read another powerful truth,
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”
So, the next time the enemy comes at you with “you’re alone in your heartbreak”, come back at him with God is always close to me and not only is He close, He collects my tears and records each one.
Lie #2, No one has ever been as heartbroken as you are right now.
Truth: Many people in scripture have struggled with devastating heartbreak.
In 1 Samuel 1, Hannah was grieving her heart’s unfulfilled desire to get pregnant, in 2 Samuel 11, Bathsheba had just suffered the sudden loss of her husband who was killed in battle, and many more stories of grief, loss, and heart break flood the Bible.
The enemy knows that when we realize that we aren’t alone and that other people have suffered just as bad if not worse, we then feel a relief, peace, and comfort in our heart break (Revelation 12:11):
“And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb and by their testimony.”
That is why sharing your story is not only important for your healing, but important for others to heal.
Stop believing the lies that you are alone or that no one has experienced pain like you, people in scripture all the way to present day are with you, fighting for you, and have experienced the same things you are currently experiencing. You are not alone.
How To Stop Breaking Your Own Heart.
We all know we can’t fully control what happens to us, but we can control how we react to it.
But what if I told you, you had more control of the pain you feel than you think.
Hear this. We are not responsible for the pain, trauma, and heart ache that happens to us, but we are responsible for feeling it, processing it, healing from it, and overcoming our hurts, habits, and hang-ups that lead us back in the arms of the very heart break we hate to experience.
This is in our control.
In the physical sense, if you get in a car accident because you are speeding, the chances of getting in another car accident from speeding go way down, why? Because you felt the pain of the accident, healed, learned and stopped the cycle.
In the emotional sense, it’s different, and you see this a lot: say you get in a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable, they never open up, you feel alone, isolated, and worthless, you end the relationship, feel the pain of heartbreak, then without even another thought and because society tells you, you get right back out there, and what do you know… you meet someone else emotionally unavailable.
But why? Didn’t you just go through that? Yes, but you stopped at step one, the heartbreak.
You didn’t feel it, process it, heal from it and stop, you just covered it up and got right back out there, you wouldn’t do this with a broken arm now would you? You wouldn’t break your arm and go to work the next day like it didn’t happen, so why do we do this with emotional wounds? How can we stop breaking our own hearts?
#1 Feel. After you experience heart break, feel it. Cry it out. Give yourself an allotted amount of time to just really mourn the loss, betrayal, breakup, etc. Don’t rush the feeling, embrace the pain, and allow the pain to lead you into processing it.
#2 Process. Find the root. Why did that hurt you like it did? Is there something from your childhood that triggers you? Are there insecurities that have creeped back up because of this heart break? Also, it’s hard to process alone. Talk about your heartbreak with trusted others and allow the process to lead you into healing.
#3 Heal. Once you have felt the hurt, processed the hurt, now it’s time to heal from the hurt. Talk to a therapist, find good community, serve at your local church, get into your word, listen to worship music, let God heal you from the areas you now know you need healing. Start with prayer and believe in faith that God can heal the very parts of you that are broken because He can, and after healing, allow that to redirect you to stop the cycle.
#4. Stop. You now have felt what you needed to feel, processed, healed and now it’s time to stop the madness – to stop the cycle. You are healed so walk in your healing. Walk in the faith that God is a God of redirection and new purpose. There is life after heart break and not just a life where you survive, but one where you thrive.
I hope this encourages you to pursue healing and stop the very cycles in your life that are causing you to break your own heart. Heartbreak doesn’t have the final say. Our God does.
Hello sister and friend! I’m Kayla Nordlum! I was born and raised in Portland, Oregon and recently moved to Phoenix, Arizona, where the sun really never stops shining!
My story might be similar to yours, for years life felt empty, confusing and disappointing. Unmet expectations left me stuck and hopeless. I struggled to trust that God had good plans for my future because I constantly replayed the mess I made of my past. BUT GOD.
Through a personal relationship with Jesus I realized it was never about what I did or what I would do, but everything to do with what He could do through me. I decided to fully surrender to the Lord in May of 2020. Through my act of obedience, I watched toxic relationship cycles end and negative mindsets slowly transform. God finally had my FULL heart and life was now EXCITING. I had vision, passion and purpose that I could not come up with on my own.
In August of 2020, I started a business called Worthy Women Co. (@worthywomenco). A space to remind women to never settle in life, love, or faith + it’s been so amazing to see what God has done and what he is doing with this sweet little community, PLUS I create fun merch, and who doesn’t love that?!
Writing has always been healing for me, I have journaled almost daily since I was young, but I never felt qualified to write for others (doesn’t God always use those people?) In January of 2021, I got serious about writing my first book (“The One That God Away”) and it’s almost ready to be released! God is so faithful and kind, He really has the best redemptive stories!
Now more than ever I know that with God THERE IS MORE + I’m super passionate about helping women find the MORE in their stories too.
XO
Kayla
(@kaylanordlum)
by Ally Golden | Jul 7, 2022 | Life Advice, Wisdom
It was the year after I graduated college, and I found myself sitting in my apartment staring at my Bible. I knew that I should probably read it more often than I did, but honestly, it intimidated me. I never knew where to start, I felt like I was supposed to “get” something out of it for myself when I read it and was disappointed when I didn’t, and sometimes it honestly felt like another thing to check off my to-do list. Have you ever felt this way too about reading God’s word?
To be honest with you, I found myself seeking words of encouragement and motivation from people instead of going to God’s word first. The enemy would slip into my mind and lie to me saying, “man’s approval will fill you more than God’s approval”. I ended up in a place that was isolating and lonely. I was seeking affirmation from the words of man, rather than going to The source that would be able to satisfy every longing I had.
In psalm 19:9-10 it says, “the rules of the Lord are true, and righteous altogether. More to be desired are they than gold, even much fine gold.” A lot of times in the Bible when it says “rules” it means God’s word and His teachings. So this verse here says, His word, is to be desired more than gold. But, think about the context of this. The value of gold when the Bible was written was THE most valuable possession.
God’s word is to be more desired than anything that exists on this Earth! Our Bibles are our most valuable possession. Friend, I was not treating it that way. I wanted worldly approval. His word didn’t have the utmost authority in my life. As we hide our valuable possessions, His word was not hidden deep within my heart.
I remember I had a moment with the Lord where I sat at his feet with all that I was feeling. I felt empty, I felt lonely, I was struggling with comparison, and I just wanted to feel loved. I had come to the end of my rope and was desperate for the Lord. I felt Him speak to me, “Allyson, seek my face and I will seek you.” I didn’t know where to start or how to, so I just prayed and asked the Lord, “Jesus, help me to have a deeper desire to know you and to be hungry for your word.”
And because the Lord is so good, and keeps His promises, ever since then, I have had a hunger for the Lord like never before. I think a lot of times the enemy makes us think that reading the bible and getting to know Jesus is complicated (of course, because He doesn’t want us to read God’s word!). When in reality, it is simple. When we seek Him, when we make that 0.1% of effort, God sees it. He is constantly pursuing your heart. He is constantly chasing after you, wanting you to experience His love for you.
His word is life-changing. His word is alive and active. His word is what we can use to combat the lies of the enemy. I still have my moments of struggle. Do I read my bible every single day at 6 am with coffee in hand and in an Instagram-worthy spot? No. Reading God’s word isn’t supposed to be something we do to say we did or to check off of a to-do list. Reading God’s word is something we do because we want to seek all of who He is.
God’s word is golden, and your words can be golden too! His word gives us a deeper understanding for how we are to live our lives and speak life over others. Having His word written on our hearts allows us to believe His truth for ourselves. He then gives us strength to be filled with His word and go out and speak it over others! When rooted in the Word of God that holds the ultimate power, your words have the power to change the world!
Here are some steps to help you dive into God’s golden word today:
- Pray and ask the Lord to instill within you a hunger for His word.
- Start small, read one verse per day, then increase to one chapter per day.
- If you don’t know where to start, start with the book of Matthew
- Order my journal Words Are Golden to help you dive deeper into the meanings of words in the bible, how to live them out, and how to speak them over yourself and others!
Wanting a tool to help you dive deeper into God’s word? Allyson’s new journal Words Are Golden and Inspirational Journal is the perfect place to start! Inside the journal you will find 47 different words along with their meanings, a short devotional, questions, a creative activity, and a challenge to do! This journal will give you the space to reflect on specific words and explore ways to believe them for yourself and go speak them over others. When rooted in the word of God that holds the ultimate power, your words can change the world!
Head on over to LO sister for a chance to win a copy of Ally’s new journal!
Allyson Golden is the author and creator of Words Are Golden an Inspirational and creative journal that is newly released! She runs the Instagram page @wordsaregolden where she encourages women to be rooted in God’s truth. Allyson is a pediatric nurse and lives in San Diego, CA with her husband Michael where they are involved on staff at the church they helped plant 3+ years ago. Allyson loves to write, encourage, and spend time with her community hosting people in her home. Say hi to her over on Instagram and order her new journal Words Are Golden today!
by Freddie Amos | Jul 6, 2022 | Life Advice, Wisdom
The last words I heard from my grandpa were to take care of myself. I think about this often not only because I loved my grandpa dearly but because I knew God had a purpose in these words. I was in a rough place, and I needed to take care of myself, but I didn’t know how. How do I care for myself, for my soul? I believe God is a God of details so for these to be the last words I’d hear my grandpa say meant something I just didn’t know what. It took years of growth, pain, and writing this blog to see God’s hand in it all.
The Lord used this phrase in every season of my life to teach me how to care for myself. For 7 years I’ve been learning to lean into caring for myself while running from the lie that caring for myself is self-centered, prideful, and sinful. The Lord planted a seed in me that day to prioritize myself, not with a self-centered mindset but with a mindset to glorify God. I am responsible to care for His creation, and I must take care of it with love and respect. Now it is my life’s mission as a counselor to help people take care of their mental, emotional, physical, and most importantly spiritual health.
My journey has looked like a lot of valleys and a lot of mountain tops, but one constant has been God. Reading back through my old journals I see the common thread, God protected me and gave me all I needed to face each day. I wholeheartedly believe God wants to take care of me, and He wants me to take care of myself. Caring for myself doesn’t look like the world’s standards of self-care. The world will tell us to binge on Netflix, spoil yourself with retail therapy, or treat yourself to anything things you desire. The definition of self-care is taking action to improve your health. Shopping and Netflix aren’t bad, but they don’t improve our health.
As a counselor, I see the benefit of self-care and I do things regularly to care for myself. What is dangerous is using self-care as a cover up to indulge in the desires of our flesh. Getting quality sleep, eating nutritious foods, and working out improves our physical health. Reading the bible, meditating on scripture, and praying improve our spiritual health. Spiritual health is maintaining the vertical relationship you have with God. When I am spiritually healthy it improves my mental, emotional, and physical health.
I believe this is what the Lord was slowly teaching me all these years; taking care of myself means taking care of my spiritual health and from there all other areas of my life will be healthy. I have found the best way to care for myself is to cover myself in the armor of God.
“Therefore, take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the spirit which is the word of God, praying at all times in the spirit, with all prayer and supplication.” Ephesians 6:13-18 (ESV)
Intentionally putting on the armor of God prepares us for life and whatever battles may come, by protecting our spiritual health. We must practice using and putting on the armor of God for it to be effective. If we are not educated in the ways to use the tools God has given us to withstand enemy attacks, we will fall. To understand the significance of each piece, we must know what they protect.
Wearing the belt of truth helps us identify what is a lie and what is truth. Without putting on “the belt of truth” we welcome confusion to our lives from the words we hear. We need to be able to identify truth in our life because words bear the power of life and death. In order to put on “the belt of truth” we need to know God’s Word, which is truth.
“The breastplate of righteousness” protects our hearts. Scripture tells us everything flows from our hearts. That means our attitude, emotions, behaviors, and thoughts. In my own life I have seen that intentionally guarding my heart has been the most important piece because when it is not guarded, I allow anything in.
When we filter our lives through the gospel, we find peace because Jesus is author of it. “The shield of faith” protects us from what the enemy throws at us intending to destroy us. Our faith is an active part of the armor. When we strengthen our faith, it weakens doubt. Using our faith as a shield looks like believing in God’s word, even when His words don’t feel true, because feelings don’t make good gods.
“The helmet of salvation” protects our minds. Taking every thought captive is up to us, God has created us with the ability to control and rid any thoughts that do not need to take root.
Reminding ourselves of God’s truth is one way we can condition our thoughts to be set on Him, because our mind informs our heart and from our heart all things flow.
“The sword of the Spirit” in those verses is referenced as the Word of God. God’s Word is alive and active today. Similarly, to how a sword must be picked up in battle to be used, we need to continually spend time with God in His word, and invite God into every part of our lives, including the battles we face.
Don’t wait for the battle to come, be prepared for the battle by putting on every piece of armor daily. We can’t pick one piece of armor for the battle; we need all of it to stand firm. Care for yourself in the ways God has called you to, not by following what the current of culture lures you to. I have found that self-care is more than just taking care of my emotional, mental, and physical health. It begins with being spiritually healthy because knowing the Creator helps me understand myself, His creation.
Freddie is a recent grad from Auburn University with her masters in clinical mental health counseling and is on staff with LO as a counselor. She loves long walks, spending time with friends and family, and helping people find their confidence in who God made them to be!
Follow Freddie on Instagram: @yourfriend_Freddie
