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How to Stop Breaking Your Own Heart

How to Stop Breaking Your Own Heart

Let me just start by saying, HEARTBREAK SUCKS, but unfortunately it is part of the human experience, and as awful as heartbreak is, it’s important. We need pain as an inner-warning to stay away from things that will and can continue to hurt us, so this blog isn’t about not experiencing heartbreak, but about avoiding unnecessary heartbreak.

Heartbreak is going to happen to you (super positive start I know, but keep reading) whether self-inflicted or an unexpected incident it just is, but it doesn’t have to consume your everyday life. YOU CAN get out of the cycles of constant heartbreak, and step into a full life where you learn, with Jesus, to guard your heart (Proverbs 4:23).

It’s not going to be easy, but I want to help you break up with self-inflicted heartbreak.

Whether you are currently in a season of heartbreak or have recently walked through it, you know that the pain of a broken heart is almost worse than the pain of a broken arm. I believe if we polled the audience right now and asked the question, would you rather have a broken arm or a broken heart? We would get an overwhelming response of people who would take the broken arm.

Why is that? 

I believe it’s because the healing process of a physical injury is more straight-forward than the healing process of an emotional one. 

We want results now, and we definitely don’t want to wander into an unknown healing process with no end date. So, why does my heart break? Am I alone in my heartbreak? How do I stop breaking my own heart? 

Glad you asked. Let’s dive in. 

Why does my heart break? 

Heartbreak was never a part of God’s original design. In Genesis 1, God created human beings in his image and then He rested and saw that it was all very good. Heartbreak is what happened in Genesis 3, when sin came in and filled the world. Now pain, heartbreak, and trouble is a part of our everyday lives, even though that was never the intent for our human experience. 

Although heartbreak is not a new concept, scientists have recently discovered the connection between emotional and physical pain is greater than originally realized. 

It seems silly to think that that was just now realized when the Bible has said that all along – I mean ask anyone who has been betrayed, lied to, cheated on, I’m guessing 10/10 they will tell you they felt unpleasant physical symptoms from such an awful emotional experience. 

In studying about heartbreak and the connections between emotional and physical pain, I found that Dopamine and Oxytocin are the hormones released when we “feel good”, which then makes us want to repeat certain behaviors to release these hormones over and over again, this is also commonly described as the feeling of “being in love”. On the other hand, when we experience heartbreak, loss, or betrayal, another hormone is released, the stress hormone called cortisol. This is the fight or flight hormone, and too much of this hormone can cause extreme unpleasant physical symptoms such as anxiety, panic, nausea, weight gain, or weight loss. 

The reason I bring all of this to your attention is that we are not helpless in stopping the cycles of heartbreak. Yes, heartbreak is inevitable, but there are ways to avoid self-inflicted heartbreak, and knowing the connection between our emotional experiences and physical symptoms are important in combating and stopping unnecessary heartbreak. 

Am I alone in my heartbreak? 

You are not alone. Unfortunately, every human on this planet experiences heartbreak in some way. It may not all be at the same level, but heartbreak is unavoidable for each person, but taking it further than that – I believe two of the greatest lies the enemy tells us is: you are alone in your heartbreak and no one has ever been as heartbroken as you. 

I’m going to debunk both of those right now:

Lie #1, you are alone in your heartbreak. 

Truth: God is near to you, he’s close to you, he’s close to the brokenhearted, the ones who are crushed by the weight of this world. You read that in Psalm 34:18,

 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

In Psalm 56:8 you read another powerful truth, 

“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”

So, the next time the enemy comes at you with “you’re alone in your heartbreak”, come back at him with God is always close to me and not only is He close, He collects my tears and records each one.

Lie #2, No one has ever been as heartbroken as you are right now.

Truth: Many people in scripture have struggled with devastating heartbreak. 

In 1 Samuel 1, Hannah was grieving her heart’s unfulfilled desire to get pregnant, in 2 Samuel 11, Bathsheba had just suffered the sudden loss of her husband who was killed in battle, and many more stories of grief, loss, and heart break flood the Bible.

The enemy knows that when we realize that we aren’t alone and that other people have suffered just as bad if not worse, we then feel a relief, peace, and comfort in our heart break (Revelation 12:11):

“And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb and by their testimony.”

That is why sharing your story is not only important for your healing, but important for others to heal.  

Stop believing the lies that you are alone or that no one has experienced pain like you, people in scripture all the way to present day are with you, fighting for you, and have experienced the same things you are currently experiencing. You are not alone.

How To Stop Breaking Your Own Heart. 

We all know we can’t fully control what happens to us, but we can control how we react to it. 

But what if I told you, you had more control of the pain you feel than you think.

Hear this. We are not responsible for the pain, trauma, and heart ache that happens to us, but we are responsible for feeling it, processing it, healing from it, and overcoming our hurts, habits, and hang-ups that lead us back in the arms of the very heart break we hate to experience.

This is in our control.

In the physical sense, if you get in a car accident because you are speeding, the chances of getting in another car accident from speeding go way down, why? Because you felt the pain of the accident, healed, learned and stopped the cycle.

In the emotional sense, it’s different, and you see this a lot: say you get in a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable, they never open up, you feel alone, isolated, and worthless, you end the relationship, feel the pain of heartbreak, then without even another thought and because society tells you, you get right back out there, and what do you know… you meet someone else emotionally unavailable.

But why? Didn’t you just go through that? Yes, but you stopped at step one, the heartbreak.

You didn’t feel it, process it, heal from it and stop, you just covered it up and got right back out there, you wouldn’t do this with a broken arm now would you? You wouldn’t break your arm and go to work the next day like it didn’t happen, so why do we do this with emotional wounds? How can we stop breaking our own hearts? 

#1 Feel. After you experience heart break, feel it. Cry it out. Give yourself an allotted amount of time to just really mourn the loss, betrayal, breakup, etc. Don’t rush the feeling, embrace the pain, and allow the pain to lead you into processing it.

#2 Process. Find the root. Why did that hurt you like it did? Is there something from your childhood that triggers you? Are there insecurities that have creeped back up because of this heart break? Also, it’s hard to process alone. Talk about your heartbreak with trusted others and allow the process to lead you into healing.

#3 Heal. Once you have felt the hurt, processed the hurt, now it’s time to heal from the hurt. Talk to a therapist, find good community, serve at your local church, get into your word, listen to worship music, let God heal you from the areas you now know you need healing. Start with prayer and believe in faith that God can heal the very parts of you that are broken because He can, and after healing, allow that to redirect you to stop the cycle.

#4. Stop. You now have felt what you needed to feel, processed, healed and now it’s time to stop the madness – to stop the cycle. You are healed so walk in your healing. Walk in the faith that God is a God of redirection and new purpose. There is life after heart break and not just a life where you survive, but one where you thrive.

I hope this encourages you to pursue healing and stop the very cycles in your life that are causing you to break your own heart. Heartbreak doesn’t have the final say. Our God does.  

Hello sister and friend! I’m Kayla Nordlum! I was born and raised in Portland, Oregon and recently moved to Phoenix, Arizona, where the sun really never stops shining! 

My story might be similar to yours, for years life felt empty, confusing and disappointing. Unmet expectations left me stuck and hopeless. I struggled to trust that God had good plans for my future because I constantly replayed the mess I made of my past. BUT GOD.

Through a personal relationship with Jesus I realized it was never about what I did or what I would do, but everything to do with what He could do through me. I decided to fully surrender to the Lord in May of 2020. Through my act of obedience, I watched toxic relationship cycles end and negative mindsets slowly transform. God finally had my FULL heart and life was now EXCITING. I had vision, passion and purpose that I could not come up with on my own. 

In August of 2020, I started a business called Worthy Women Co. (@worthywomenco). A space to remind women to never settle in life, love, or faith + it’s been so amazing to see what God has done and what he is doing with this sweet little community, PLUS I create fun merch, and who doesn’t love that?! 

Writing has always been healing for me, I have journaled almost daily since I was young, but I never felt qualified to write for others (doesn’t God always use those people?) In January of 2021, I got serious about writing my first book (“The One That God Away”) and it’s almost ready to be released! God is so faithful and kind, He really has the best redemptive stories! 

Now more than ever I know that with God THERE IS MORE + I’m super passionate about helping women find the MORE in their stories too.

XO 

Kayla  

(@kaylanordlum) 

 

Pursuing Heavenly Worth

Pursuing Heavenly Worth

I can remember in high school asking my parents to Tell Me I’m Worth It, it looked like, “I got an A.”, “I nailed my dance routine.”, “I got into the college you wanted.” I would unintentionally ask for their approval in order to determine my worth. Can you relate?

Later in life it was less about parental approval and more about male approval. I would ask boyfriends to Tell Me I’m Worth It, it looked like, “How does my hair look?”, “Do you think I’m pretty?”, Are you happy with me?”, “You haven’t posted about us in a while, are we okay?”. Can you relate now?

Maybe your worth is still tied to your parents, your spouse, your boss, your friends, your followers? It’s easy to do. I connected my worth to the approval of others for a long time, but God wants more for you and I do too. He calls us to seek Him for our heavenly worth. A worth not based on what we did or what we can do, but a worth solely based on Him and who He says we are.

How beautiful, how freeing when we stop pursuing worldly worth and start pursuing heavenly worth. So what does this look like?

Your self-worth should come from your heavenly worth.

We commonly see two types of people: The people who think too high of themselves and the people who think too low of themselves. Both are dangerous, and neither are the way God intends us to live.

I looked up the definition of self-worth: “Confidence in one’s own worth or abilities.”

Right now, self-worth and self-help is a hot topic and talked about everywhere. They have books on books on books about how to create the life you want and what you can do to feel better about yourself. I want to be clear – self-help is great, and a lot of the books on self-help are great, but it can’t be the only help we get. As the definition above says, self-worth is a confidence in one’s own worth or ability, meaning a confidence without God. I don’t know about you, but I’m not confident of my worth or abilities without Him. Honestly, when I even try to picture my life without Him there is no confidence at all.

So, what does the Bible say about our heavenly worth?

Ephesians 1:4 says, “Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes.”

I love this. It’s so simple, but Paul writes that even before He created the world, He thought of us. Chose us, and made us without fault in His eyes. If you are struggling to understand your heavenly worth today or if God even cares about you, He does. Be encouraged by this passage that you are worthy. The God of the universe loves you, chose you, and made you perfect.

Psalm 139:13-18 says, “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body, and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it! You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!”

What a beautiful passage to remind us not only how intentional and complex our God created us, but how much He thinks of us – His thoughts outnumber the grains of sand and He saw us before we were born. Every moment of our lives is already laid out.

So, when doubt and fear rise up on the inside of you, be reminded that you are worthy, and that even though He knew your every mistake, failure, and misstep, He still chose you and loves you. Wow, what a God!

You were made like Him for Him.

A few years ago, Google came out with a list of commonly searched phrases and one of them was, “Why am I here?” If I’m honest, it made me super sad to know that so many people had to ask that question to a computer, but I get it. That is the world we live in, there are so many questions and not enough answers. Another reason why the great commission is so important, but the answer to that question is in His word:

We exist to be like Him and to bring Him glory. Let me show you:

Genesis 1:26 says, “Then God said, “Let us make human beings in our image, to be like us.”

God created us in His image to be like Him. Do you look like Him? Does your life reflect who He is? If you answered no to this, that’s okay. It’s a daily process because we are human and sinful. Dying to ourselves is not easy or natural, but it’s God’s way and it’s the best way to live.

Secondly, we exist to bring Him glory.

1 Corinthians 10:31 says, “So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.”

 For a long time, I struggled with my purpose, and when I came across this scripture it gave me so much peace, because I felt that God spoke to my heart that His plans for me didn’t always have to look grand or have huge impact for life to have purpose.

It can seem in certain seasons vision, purpose and passion aren’t as clear or as exciting as before, you may even feel that God is quiet in certain seasons – that is why holding onto this scripture is so important – because no matter what you do, big or small, our purpose in this life really is only to look like Him and bring Him glory.

Your life has meaning now.

Someone is believing that life will start…

When you’re older,

When you have the right job,

When you hit 10k followers,

When you get married,

When you release a book or a podcast,

When you speak at your first conference, etc.

That is a lie. Your life has meaning now, and God wants you to know that, and know your worth in the NOW. No matter how old you are or how experienced or unexperienced you are, your life has value and God wants to use you today.

Jeremiah 1:4-10 says, “The LORD gave me this message, “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.” “O Sovereign LORD,” I said, “I can’t speak for you! I’m too young!” The LORD replied, “Don’t say, ‘I’m too young,’ for you must go wherever I send you and say whatever I tell you. And don’t be afraid of the people, for I will be with you and will protect you. I, the LORD, have spoken!”

What is your I’m too ____? Replace that fear with God’s truth today.

THREE PRACTICAL TIPS TO PURSUE HEAVENLY WORTH.

#1 Surround. Surround yourself with people who will champion you, and point you to Jesus when your flesh wants to give up or seek the world for your worth. You may have heard this quote before, “Show me your five closest friends, and I’ll show you your future.” It’s true. If your close circle of friends doesn’t remind you of your heavenly worth, you will naturally look for approval from the world. You may also hear that you can do the faith journey on your own, that you don’t need anyone. That is also a lie. Community is important, accountability is important, the bible is clear that we can’t do this on our own. Who is surrounding you?

#2 Seek. Seek out your heavenly worth. Seek out the word of God. Seek out what God calls you. I recently went through the bible and made a list of all of the names that God calls me: Daughter, child, blessed, favored, healthy, beautiful, complex, etc. and I put notes all over my house. It’s hard to remember our heavenly worth when these labels do not come to us naturally. That is also why our time with God in the word is so important. Are you seeking your heavenly worth?

#3 Speak. Prayer is powerful. We can’t do this worth journey without God. Without prayer. I heard someone once say words are spirit wrapped in sound. Your words are powerful and God wants you to use them to talk to Him. He wants to reveal how worthy you are to Him through a personal relationship with Him. Do you talk to God?

God is with you, loves you, and chose you. Hear that again, God chose you. Your worth is based on Him, not on anything you can do or will do, and definitely not on another person or a title you may or may not have.

Sister and friend, be refreshed, encouraged, and inspired to go out and walk out your heavenly worth – because you are worthy.

Hello sister and friend! I’m Kayla Nordlum! I was born and raised in Portland, Oregon and recently moved to Phoenix, Arizona, where the sun really never stops shining!

My story might be similar to yours, for years life felt empty, confusing and disappointing. Unmet expectations left me stuck and hopeless. I struggled to trust that God had good plans for my future because I constantly replayed the mess I made of my past. BUT GOD.

Through a personal relationship with Jesus I realized it was never about what I did or what I would do, but everything to do with what He could do through me. I decided to fully surrender to the Lord in May of 2020. Through my act of obedience, I watched toxic relationship cycles end and negative mindsets slowly transform. God finally had my FULL heart and life was now EXCITING. I had vision, passion and purpose that I could not come up with on my own.

In August of 2020, I started a business called Worthy Women Co. (@worthywomenco). A space to remind women to never settle in life, love, or faith + it’s been so amazing to see what God has done and what he is doing with this sweet little community, PLUS I create fun merch, and who doesn’t love that?!

Writing has always been healing for me, I have journaled almost daily since I was young, but I never felt qualified to write for others (doesn’t God always use those people?) In January of 2021, I got serious about writing my first book (“The One That God Away”) and it’s almost ready to be released! God is so faithful and kind, He really has the best redemptive stories!

Now more than ever I know that with God THERE IS MORE + I’m super passionate about helping women find the MORE in their stories too.

XO

Kayla

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