The Perfect Mother

by Jill Dasher | Jul 9, 2020 | Life Advice, Relationships | 1 comment

Through years and years of blogging, I almost always avoid the topics of motherhood and parenting. The question is, why? I have four children, for crying out loud! You would think I would know a thing or two about motherhood, yet time and again, I avoid the topic. The reason I avoid that subject is that I am afraid to speak into such an important role, especially in a time when it seems our culture is quick to cancel you. What if I rave on about my parenting skills, then my kids make a mess of their lives? What then? Will I be considered a phony?

One thing I am learning about myself as a mother is the temptation to make an idol out of the “righteousness” of my children.  I am tempted to make “their” righteousness or lack thereof a reflection of my own. The struggle with perfectionism easily becomes a virus that spreads from one generation to the next if one is not careful. It is easy for us as moms to “cover” for our children in the name of “saving face.”

What do I mean by this? Well, I don’t know about you, but I struggle with wanting to be respected by others for being a good mother. I struggle with this because somehow, I am convinced that if others view me as a “good” mother and they view my children as “good” kids, then that must be the reality. Never mind that I am placing my worth and value as a mother in the hands of flawed human beings.

I recall attending a weekly Bible study with other moms and toddlers when my kids were much younger. It was hands down the most stressful part of my week; I  know that sounds terrible. Before I even arrived at the study, anxiety began to stir up within me because I just knew that my kids were going to misbehave. And sure enough, they did. It was always my kids — yep. They were always too rough, too loud, too mischievous, too destructive, and way too toddler.

Anybody in the house feeling me yet?

I got in my car sweating and overflowing with anxiety, mad at my kids because they did not behave, and even madder at the moms who insinuated that it was “my kids’” fault. How exactly could they tell between prayers and scripture reading that it was, in fact, a Dasher that was at fault? Girl moms blame everything on boy moms! Did they have eyes in the backs of their heads? I am laughing as I write this, but some of you are “amening” and “shouting hallelujah” like there’s no tomorrow. You’ve been there. You know what those settings can be like. Everyone is trying to outdo the other. Mom groups can get about as competitive as a county fair pageant in July, and no, I am not downing county fair pageants; I was, after all, Miss Cherokee Capital Fair back in my day. Ha, I just had to throw that in there for kicks.

Now before you get all hot and bothered and ready to call it quits with your Mommy and Me group, just hear me out. The greatest lesson I am learning through being a mother is found in one simple word, applied all over my life, every day of my life, and now more than ever. The term is GRACE. GRACE ON ME. GRACE ON MY KIDS. GRACE ON HER.

GRACE ON ME (YOU) – YOU AND I ARE NOT PERFECT MOTHERS. We never have been and never will be. You can search Instagram over, and you will find a whole lot of amazing moms. You will find a whole lot of trendy moms, creative moms, talented moms, but a perfect mother, you will never see. One of the greatest gifts we can give to our children is just that; that they would know we are a continuous work in progress. I strive to confess as comfortably as I praise within the walls of our home because I genuinely believe I experience the most praise through confession. Not the kind of praise that says, ”Wow, you are an awesome mom!” Nope; instead, the type of praise that says, ”Wow, you are an awesome God!” So awesome that I could screw up that big, yell that loudly, overreact  to that extent, and yet, through confession, God begins to heal my family once again. And again, and again, and again. Give yourself the grace that God so graciously gives to you.

Therefore, confess your sins to each other, and pray for each other so that you may be healed. (James 5:16)

GRACE ON MY KIDS (YOUR KIDS) – MY KIDS/YOUR KIDS WILL MESS UP. Their rap sheet will include sin; there is no way around it. None of us likes to think about our children as sinners, and we certainly do not want to advertise it; nonetheless, it is true. As you begin to learn to give yourself grace as a mother, it allows you to dispense it to your children more easily because you are not trying to maintain an image. Dispensing grace is NOT covering for your children; rather, it is the opposite. Grace is exposing the truth and loving them despite it. That does not mean it is easy. I will confess to you, as a mother, I do want my children to be perceived in a beautiful light. But way more than that, I want them to be men and women of integrity. This will not happen in a vacuum. If I desire that of my children, then that is who I have to be as a mom — someone honest about who she is, the good as well as the bad.

GRACE ON HER – Let’s be honest, motherhood can bring out the worst in us at times. Yes, it is true. If you are a mother, and you are reading this, you may very well have the mom or moms in your life who just always seem to have it out for you. With passive-aggressive words, they critique your children, your parenting, your lifestyle, or your style for that matter, and you find yourself bending over backward to try to earn their favor. Don’t. Quit going back to the well of man’s approval. Show them grace and seek the wisdom that comes from above. Ask the question, is this a God-honoring friendship?

God forbid, you may have actually been that mom, oh, hey, now. Well, I, for one, was on both sides of this coin, and I can say for sure that many times, the moms I most set out to destroy, even if only in my head, were the ones I secretly admired the most. Why are we so quickly prone to see the worst in others? I think it is because we believe the lie that for someone to be great at something means we must be less than. This is simply not true. In fact, God created us each different, possessing specific gifts for the purpose of building up the entire body.

… from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love. (Ephesians 4:16)

 God meant for us to thrive in community with one another, building up each other in the gift that God gave to us for the benefit of us all. Become a champion of others. Satan may thrive in the battle of comparison, but we do not have to step foot on that battlefield. We can choose to be different. What if, instead of our children hearing what is wrong with everyone else, they heard what was right? How might that change the way they learn to interact with their friends? How might that change our hearts if we truly understand our need for the body to work properly to grow in love?

GIVE GRACE. RECEIVE GRACE. BECOME A CHAMPION OF OTHERS.

At the end of the day, in our attempt to be the best mothers we can be, the key to remember is this. It is not about the righteousness of your children (they will mess up). It is not about the virtue of your motherhood (you will mess up). It is about the righteousness of Jesus and His finished work on the cross. It’s the understanding that, as believers, we already are canceled. His blood canceled our debts, and for that reason, we should be all the more eager to lavishly and regularly dispense GRACE. TO OURSELVES, TO OUR KIDS, TO EACH OTHER.

Jill Dasher is a blogger and speaker who is passionate about sharing the message of being known through authentic community with God and each other. She resides in Asheville, NC with her husband Zach and four children. In between sunset hikes and camping weekends she works alongside her husband running a media company.

Follow Jill on Instagram @jilldasher

Why, God?

by Karissa Thomas | Mar 3, 2020 | Life Advice, Relationships | 6 comments

Note from Team LO: We are SO excited to bring you this month’s post from our LO Fam member, Karissa Thomas! If you want to be a part of this incredible community, the doors are currently open for everyone who purchases LIVE! Find out all the details HERE.

When life takes a turn in a difficult direction it is so easy for me to ask, “Why, God?”, and it’s not in a humble or curious way. Like when a two year relationship fell apart or when I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with my tummy. When I met and was dating the man I was convinced I was going to marry, but got heartbroken instead. Here’s the thing though, I tend to receive blessing as though there is no One to thank and complain as though there is some-One to blame.

I was raised in a Christian home and grew up in a country named Belize. There I dated a guy for two years. As we grew up we had life decisions to make. I wanted to move to my home state here in the U.S. as I was feeling led to by the Lord. He, however, did not and a relationship once so wonderful became so ugly and hurtful for both of us. We should’ve ended it sooner, but I was afraid to lose him. I moved in the end.

Within that same year my health took a turn. Anything and everything I ate made my tummy flare up in pain. I had to get allergy tests, figure out a diet change and lost weight. I became too anxious and insecure to go anywhere.

Also within that year, I began to date the sweetest man, who loves Jesus. He thought I was beautiful even after he knew about the bad choices and compromises I had made in my past. Amongst all my health issues, baggage and insecurities he still wanted me. “He’s the one!” I thought to myself, bragged about to all my friends, TOLD God. But that flower also faded after a few rushed months. We allowed sin to enter in and create a wedge between us and God. We were both too numb to correct the fact that we had removed ourselves from the foundation of true Love. And so, we watched what we had fade away…

I share all this to set the stage for a renewed perspective given to me by our Father. There is so much pain in these words and in between the lines, but I want to share this because I don’t want the hurt to be wasted. If Jesus uses this in only one person’s life it would all be worth it. Maybe that one person is you.

In the midst of all the hurt and confusion, God showed Himself faithful. Even when I didn’t feel it or see it He was working. He began redeeming my heart as I chose to walk through that loss with Him. It took six months, so many pep talks/counseling sessions with my sisters and brother, hundreds of tears shed, along with so many “Why, God?” moments. But I finally got it.

“Have you ever been on an airplane getting ready to take off on a rainy day? You would say it’s a dark cloudy day, right? But then the pilot takes off and he ascends over the clouds where you see that the sun is still shining. So, which one is it, a sunny day or a dark day? It’s both.” I heard my far away mentor, Lysa Terkeurst; say that and it immediately stuck to my heart.

The Father sees our pain, Jesus experienced our pain (even more so, I believe) and Spirit speaks our pain (Romans 8:26-27). We are fully known; fully loved by God. However, He can see the joy and purpose at the other side of the storm.

Our God is sovereign; all knowing, all powerful. I knew this, but didn’t understand it in its entirety; hence the “Why, God?” moments. What I come to clearly see is that I NEEDED to hurt. My heart needed to be broken and disappointed because I was only hurting myself and my person. God allowed sin to enter in because I thought I had it all under control and all figured out, but that was a lie from the enemy. Sin separates; and I needed to understand that.

I was ranting to Jesus one day at work, just about the whole situation. Basically having a “Why, God?” moment. He spoke to my heart so gently saying, “Kari, I gave you that for which you longed, but you allowed it to take your eyes off of me, off of the big picture; of keeping the main thing the main thing.” Whoa!

You see, sweet friend, my ex and I weren’t guarding our hearts and we certainly weren’t guarding each other’s. We took our focus off of Jesus. That’s not the right way to begin a life together and Abba saw that. So, Him allowing sin to enter in to separate us and hurt us was an act of mercy on His part. He protects us, His children, even when we can’t see or understand why.

As we sloooowly separated He was trying to show me in the midst of it that He is the only One who can fulfill all my expectations. I was searching for satisfaction in someone who could not give it to begin with; not like Jesus can. When we put that weight of expectation on a person, a human being, we’re bound to be disappointed. It drains out the joy in the relationship. Psalm 107:9 says, “He satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness.” When that fulfillment is found in Jesus it frees us up to enjoy the gift that person was to begin with.

The grass withers, the flower fades;

But the word of our God stands forever.

                                                      Isaiah 40:8

This verse jumped out at me with a whole new meaning experientially. Everything once so beautiful and enjoyable in this life ultimately fades. Think about it. For me, my health was once in great shape, my relationships crumbled. All these gifts withered away, but the word of our God stood fast & ALWAYS will.  Jesus is the word made flesh (John 1:1). Jesus, our Savior (2 Sam. 22:3), Best friend (Proverbs 18:24), Bridegroom (Rev. 19:7), never leaves, never grows weary of us, nor will He ever push us away. Jesus never fails (Jesus/God is Love – 1 Cor. 13:8).

Until you get your relationship with God right you won’t be able to get a relationship with another person right. You see, I still had old wounds that I tried to patch up but didn’t let Father fully heal before entering into my last relationship. I was insecure and hurting, but refused to recognize it because of the excitement of that new relationship. And I guess I believed that somehow that person would heal that brokenness inside me; yet another expectation.

I wanted to be fully loved, but for that to be possible I needed to be fully known. How could I be if I myself couldn’t identify the brokenness inside me? I wasn’t my healthy, confident self. I could laugh & have fun, but I was still hiding; and I never even knew it…

Hindsight is twenty-twenty though, so I didn’t get it till six months ago when He led me to write out my testimony timeline to share on my small Instagram platform. Everything has purpose. We serve an intentional God. The purpose for me going through so much was to get to this perspective. I feel like the blind man, “Now I see!” But it required walking through the pain, with Jesus.

There is a saying, “Time heals all wounds.” No, time does not heal, Jesus heals. Time may fog memories and blur emotions but it does not heal. Because if a person walks in the room and your heart drops and you feel fear or bitterness when you see them or when you hear their name brought up then time did not heal. There is no easy way to walk through it, but my friend, do not let the opportunity to grow closer to Jesus be wasted; the testimony, a chance to experience His mercy, and faithfulness and love once again. Although for that to happen we need to go there. We need to speak out the shame and the lies so that Abba can cover it with His truth. Like Job in Job 19. He was basically saying, “This doesn’t make sense.” (“Why, God” moment) However, he concluded in hope by pretty much stating that, “This does have a happy ending – in the end I will see Him face to face.” Not only do we get to see Jesus face to face in heaven, but we get to seek and find His face in the midst of the healing (Jeremiah 29:13).

At the beginning of this season, I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor having another “Why, God” moment. I had just finished showering, and I was trying not to think when something inside me broke. Everything I had bottled up came out all at once. I fell to the floor in weakness, hugging my towel, crying my eyes out; so confused, so covered in shame. How much more known by Father could I ever be? I say all this for you to understand that that was my bottom that season. But as I listened to my playlist Highlands by Hillsong came on. Jesus used those beautiful words to comfort my heart. And there is where He met me, when I finally let go of control (Highlands will forever hold a sweet place in my heart).

It was in that moment that Holy Spirit directed me to LO. I found myself reading Redeemed. I thought to myself, “Wow, she is so brave to be so vulnerable like that.” And I was thankful that she was that brave because Jesus met me there in the midst of her words. He gave me His peace and reminded me of how loved I am by Love Himself. And in order to fully love someone else I needed to first truly love Him and receive His love. No matter how unworthy I felt.

I have never had so much peace and joy, hope and love in my life since I chose to surrender all of my past, present and future to Him. Now I see that it wasn’t her bravery, it was Jesus in her. God knew that this one person would need to read that and I’m thankful for her obedience. I never thought I’d be writing all this down to be sent in as well. I am honored to be His broken vessel.

My heart agrees with David’s words in Psalms 30:8-12 [MSG]

I called out to You, God;

I laid my case before You… [Pleading]

“So listen! And be kind!

Help me out of this!”

You did it: You changed wild lament into

Whirling dance;

You ripped off my black mourning band

And decked me with wildflowers.

I’m about to burst with song;

I can’t keep quiet about You.

God, my God,

I can’t thank You enough.

“My heart was saying, ‘Lord, take away this longing or give me that for which I long,’ The Lord was answering, ‘I must first teach you to long for something better [; something deeper].’”           -Elizabeth Elliot.

P.S.  I still struggle with giving up control; letting go and letting God (walking by faith).

I still have “Why, God?” moments, but He is faithful to quickly remind me of Romans 8:28 & 2 Cor. 12:9-10. I don’t think I’ll entirely get it down till heaven.

Karissa Thomas is 22 and has the best of both worlds; born in Southern Oregon and raised in Belize. She works at her home church, loves sharing Jesus in her newly found passion of writing, snuggling with her pup, Oso, and spending quality time with her friends.