a travelin’ lady.

Hi, my name is Taylor. I believe in vulnerability and sharing what I’m walking through. If it’s ugly and scary, I want people to be able to say, “you know what…me too”. People need people. So, I want to share a recent thing I discovered about myself – I have a control problem.

If you would have asked me a month ago if I felt like I had a control problem, I would have laughed embarrassingly, rolled my eyes and thought you were crazy.  I trust Jesus, so there’s no way on earth I have a control problem. That’s not even possible…right?

Isn’t that what knowing Jesus is all about? Trusting Him because He is good. Walking in faith knowing the plans He has for us will make us prosper. Relying on Him because He knows our desires and can provide for us.

These things are true in my life. I trust Him. I know He means everything for good, even when I can’t see it. Even so, it can still be extremely hard to see sometimes. I walk by Faith. I know He has plans of prosperity for me. I spend time with Him. I’m getting to know Him. He is GOOD. When I don’t feel it, He is still good. When I don’t see it, He is still good. When I want to run away, HE IS STILL GOOD. Period. He is a good Father.

Once God finally broke through my blindness, I had to come face to face with the fact that I am a huge controller. I remember when I first admitted it out loud. I seriously couldn’t look at myself in a mirror without feeling sick. I wasn’t fooling anyone.

So, why do I still find myself trying to take things into my own hands sometimes? I know that’s the opposite of the faith and walk I am called too. Why do I try to play God, allowing it to cause me anxiety, stress and insecurities in my life? Well, for starters, I am a human. Just like you. I am broken, yet beautiful. Jesus knows my heart. He knows I am a control freak, but He still loves me anyway.  Now, hear me out here…that’s not an excuse to go crazy or take matters into my own hands.

He loves us, and He ALWAYS wants better for us in this life. We can’t just cover up our sins or shortcomings by using His love as an excuse. His love is our lifeline. It’s our grace. When we continue to fall short, and we don’t spend the time to figure out what’s missing or what’s wrong, we get stuck. We form nasty habits, and for an extremely long time now, I’ve formed a control habit.

What you don’t identify you allow to grow. 

Sadly, because of a lack of personal boundaries and time to heal from things in my childhood, I let this control root grow in my soul. At 24 years old, I finally found the courage to identify what’s been shaping me into someone I’m not.

Growth is not always rainbows and gardens overflowing with life. Growth is pruning, and tearing, and replacing bad roots with good soil so we can start fresh. Only then can we find life and the fruit that God intends for us before we go and take everything into our own hands.

So, I’m sure you are wondering, what’s next? What does life look like for you now? You’ve identified you have a control problem, but how do you replace that with a deeper, stronger trust in the Lord?

I’m glad you asked.

I went to Portugal alone to see what it looks like to finally let God be the actual God of my life. I said goodbye to the “Taylor God” I made myself into. During every dance on the beach and with every sunset I got to watch, I let go more and more. You just have to learn to let go.

A lot of amazing older people in my life kept whispering the words “time” and “trust” over and over to me again. Time is probably my least favorite word. I’m so bad with time. Yikes. Like so bad.

But you know who isn’t? Jesus. And you know how we become more like Him? We spend TIME with Him. We open our souls and pray to Him. We give Him our trust. He can fix us.

I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him.

 Psalm 40:1-3

So maybe you are not a control freak. Maybe you are a relationship freak, or a money freak, or a friend freak…or whatever you like to call your brokenness.

Here’s my advice in closing to you:

1. Get into God’s word. If we want to become more like Him we must take time to figure out who He is.
2. Get to the bottom of your brokenness. Remember what you don’t identify, you allow to grow.
3. Jesus is healer. Trust Him with that. He will heal.
4. People need people. Get with some healthy people to help you.
5. Be kind to yourself – give yourself time to heal and figure out what’s next.
6. Learn to love the word time and time itself (I don’t like #6 but it’s good advice and I am preaching to myself right now).

You are not alone. I hope you know that. Healthiness is a journey that never stops as long as you are growing. And growing is the best place you can be.

P.S. Since I decided to not play God and be the control freak of my life anymore, I’ve been a lot better off. A lot lighter. It’s like I had glasses on that I didn’t need the whole time. And for the first time in a very long time, I can see clearly now.

It looks a lot like beauty, joy, freedom & grace. I like the view a whole heck of a lot better.

-All the love