I’ve sat staring at my computer screen typing, then backspacing over and over again. The keys are music to my ears. My words are squished together behind a lot of tears, but they are important.
God is whispering…Be still and Know.
Sitting. The silence. Embracing pain and not running from it. Identifying my issues and being diligent in healing and healthiness.
It’s an art I’ve never perfected. The silence. The waiting. The stillness. I find myself stretching my limbs towards grace. Asking and begging Jesus to show up in this. I need Him. I see him in the wind and how the trees dance along with it. I see Him in the sunsets. I see Him in the smiles and in strangers and in their laugher. Somehow, I can’t seem to find Him in my own brokenness and the heaviness. How is that so?
Every Sunday at church, we have an intimate prayer moment where we can have others pray for us. For the past month, the prayer I echo is constant and consistent. It sounds a lot like this: “I know what I am called to and who Jesus says I am, but I can’t get there. I don’t know how to live in it. To walk in it. To stay consistent in it. I know God has me where He wants me, but I also know I’m supposed to be somewhere bigger than all of this. Not sitting in the muck of it all.” I walk up to the front of church empty and searching to be filled with only something Jesus can give me. Peace. Patience. The courage to step into my calling healthy and whole.
People love to ask how we are and what we are learning, but what happens when I give them an answer they don’t want to hear? My answer these past few months has been heavy and confused. I’ve been a lot of things in this season that I don’t know how to deal with, or I thought I’d never have to face again. I’ve been depressed. I’ve felt used. I’ve stepped out in ways I never ever do, only to get cut down and hurt immensely. The second I give up my pain or decide to let go, I turn the corner and there is another beast waiting to fight me and to shake me. I feel as if I can’t win. I find myself questioning God constantly. None of what I am walking in makes sense. I have never been so confused in my entire years of knowing Jesus.
No matter how hard I search and ask, I keep hearing the same thing. Sit in it. Be still. Know.
My flesh immediately shuts down when I hear those words. I want to do the exact opposite.
So, I am sitting here writing my piece for the month and I honestly feel as if I don’t have much to share. I feel as if my blog post is not going to be as powerful as everyone else’s because I don’t have a victory to talk about. I have been really anxious to write for the month of September and Satan has been attacking me really good.
I want to be able to have something to share. I want a victory. I want to have a testimony from this season. But sometimes, the most powerful breakthrough is silence. It’s walking up empty-handed, asking for God to fill us up. And you know what? That’s okay. My growth looks a little bit different in this season. Sometimes you and I just have to sit in it. Sometimes growth doesn’t make sense. It sure as heck doesn’t feel good either. But what a small suffering to endure in the grand scheme of things. We get to hurt and eventually heal in order to grow into who God intended us to be.
We can speak life over our pain. We have to say, “You know what, I am not okay but Jesus is STILL good. He is still faithful. I can praise Him when I am in the valleys and when I am on the mountain tops.” Even when you don’t believe it: speak it. Read His promises. Let them be the feet to your steps.
Psalm 23 – In the darkest places, God is with us. We do not have to fear.
Deuteronomy 31:8 – Jesus is BEFORE us. He is WITH us. He will never ever LEAVE us or FORSAKE us. We do not have to fear. We do not have to be dismayed.
Psalm 46 – God is our REFUGE and our STRENGTH. And He is our ever-present help in trouble.
John 16:33 – In Jesus we have PEACE. In the world, we will have tribulations and trials but TAKE HEART; Jesus has OVERCOME the world.
Matthew 5:4 – Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be COMFORTED.
Psalm 27- The Lord is our LIGHT. He is our SALVATION. Who shall we fear?
Some days, I honestly can’t find the words to say or pray. I feel too shameful or weak to even pick up my Bible, so I just pop my headphones in and walk and let worship music cover me. If that’s all you can do, do it. Let His promises cover you and tune out the lies from the enemy.
We have to feel it and walk through it in order to learn from it. If you feel overwhelmed, not good enough, alone, fearful, or any other emotion that steals your joy or your courage, call it out. Reach to God. Beg for Him. You do not have to be alone in this. He will never forsake you. But we must take courage. Even if it’s with swollen eyes and runny noses from crying and pouring our hearts out. You do not have to be perfect or whole to encounter Jesus. He will comfort you. Always.
He’s in the waiting. He’s is in this place.