I’ve started using the “make coffee” button on my coffee machine as a reminder to befriend Jesus. Honestly, these past few years are the first in which I’ve had a consistent morning quiet time. My rationale: Mornings are first. God asks us to give Him the first fruits. When we acknowledge Him in the first things, we are more likely to acknowledge Him in the rest. Believe the hype. His love will overflow into the others in your life if He’s the first person you talked to that day.

Back to my coffee: First, I press the button, and I show up and start to pray “Lord, I offer myself to You” just like it says to do in Romans 12:1, that we would offer ourselves as living sacrifices to God so that every act is an act of worship. Second, I imagine an onion. I imagine peeling away layers of all my roles and responsibilities and identities and struggles and say, “Who I am is not primarily my roles: a widow, a mother, a teacher. I’m not primarily my worry. I’m not primarily outgoing. At the core of me, Lord, I am in You and You are in me.” I do this to peel back everything so that I can find my core identity in Christ. I rest in that secure identity for a moment. I’m more than my titles and responsibilities and worries. In Christ is who I am at the core. Third, I let my mind wander because I know my mind will wander to something that has captured my heart, and that is what Jesus wants to talk about. Our conversation is spontaneous and free and even a little bit random, just like a conversation with a good friend. Finally, I listen to Him. There’s a prompting every time: some work He’s set before me, some sin that needs to be confessed, some person who needs a word of encouragement. He always directs me to love.

To summarize, these four steps are:

1. Show up. “Lord, I offer myself to You.” Present yourself as an act of worship.
2. Peel away. Remember you’re more than your titles and fears. You’re in Him and He is in you.
3. Let your mind wander. Share it all. This is Jesus’ cue to chat just like you would talk with a good friend.
4. Listen and obey. Listen and let Him guide you toward love.[i]

Once you realize your primary needs for security and love are met in Christ, and you start befriending Him yourself, you’re going to see Him as both your model for friendship and your strength to live it out. Only Jesus does everything that Scripture asks of a friend.

Pause for a second. If that makes you think anything along the lines of Well, then Jesus is the only friend I need, let’s sort that out right now. That state—Jesus being your only friend—is never what Jesus wanted. His perfect love compels us to reach out in love to others. This whole friendship-with-other-humans thing is not optional. His prayer in John 17 shows that His love moves from us and Him to us and Him and everyone else. This is why we have a church and why it’s important to be a part of it. It’s not just you and Jesus, and it was never supposed to be.

That said, our other friends won’t be like Him (and you won’t be like Him for anybody else!). So how do we live out His perfect love in our imperfect friendships? The oft-quoted J. C. Ryle tells us that “friendship halves our sorrows and doubles our joys.”[ii] The Word of God concurs; friendship is meant for both joy and sorrow, laughter and trouble. Proverbs offers this wisdom on friendship: “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity” (17:17). A friend loves at all times, which includes the good times, the bad times, the embarrassing times, the shameful times, the funny times, the when-they’re-mean times, and the depressed times. If we spend our energy trying to cover up the negative, offering and showing others our best in the hope of being loved at our best, friendships become yet another place to hide from God and from ourselves. If hiding and covering is what we bring to the table in our friendships, others will feel like they have to hide and cover too.

During the time this proverb was written, there would’ve been cultural obligations for family members to take care of one another. That is why “a brother is born for adversity.” In other words, family members have a duty to take care of you in times of need. But what makes friendships great is that a friend’s love for you is expressed at all times, not only in times of adversity, because a friend is someone who has chosen to love you, whereas a relative is obligated to love you.

“At all times” means you’re available not only when it’s convenient. Most people know you and want to know you because you’re useful to them. Before you get all bent out of shape about that, I want you to realize that the people you have become friends with are useful to you in some way. Some of them are useful for having a good time. Some are useful for meaningful conversations. Some of them are useful for getting things done. When your life is falling apart, you’ll notice different categories start to emerge. Some friends will say, “Call me if you need anything.” Others will just show up. A brother “born for adversity” says, “I will do whatever it takes to keep you from falling into ruin. I’ll be there even when it costs me something.” I’d be willing to bet that those who just show up are drawing their strength to love you from their friendships with Christ.

Of course, not all friendships have the same purpose. I was told a long time ago that my friendships should fall into one of these categories: Paul, Barnabas, and Timothy. A friend who is a Paul is a mentor and guide, someone whose wisdom I can trust—typically, someone who has more life experience than I do. Did you know that you can be friends with people who are decades older than you? I dare you to try it. A Barnabas friend is a true partner. Remember when Barnabas testified before the apostles that Paul had changed? Talk about a friend in adversity. A Barnabas is someone with whom you can live the spiritual life, someone who is maybe even struggling with some of the things that you are. And anyone who is a Timothy is a person you’re pouring into; the love of Christ is meant to be shared, and we need to seek out Timothys who need encouragement and experience. The real secret of those relationships is that you’ll be even more blessed than the Timothy in question. “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35).

Incidentally, friendship with Jesus and friendship with other Christians are not two different things. Remember, the church is referred to throughout the New Testament as the “body of Christ.” This means that loving sisters and brothers in the church is loving Jesus.