There has been this constant war inside of me that is fighting for one thing that I so desperately long for. Balance.
I wear quite a few hats. I am a full-time pastor, currently attempting to get a small business off the ground, and blog writer with the goal of letting out my passion for health and sisterhood thrive all under one banner and umbrella, somehow. I am a wife and mom, which alone is a full time job. I have so many dreams and fiery passions inside of me, I sometimes ask God why in the world He would allow me to have them all, if I cant have balance. The list of passions could go on and on. I thrive off of order and peace. Every fiber inside of me thirsts for it, and I have lived running after it.
For so long, I have felt this enemy inside my head that told me, “If only you were more organized. If only you woke up earlier. You’re a mom, you need to have such and such finished. If only you were more of ________”. THEN, I would reach this place of balance – Where I had all of my to do lists accomplished, early morning quiet time where I prayed, meditated, and read my bible. Where I gave back to others, filled my family’s love tanks, lifted and supported my friends with Holy Spirit driven words, and had dinner on the table by 5:30. The constant voice telling me that I’m the only one that can’t seem to get it together, roars at me.
I have tried it all. Writing your to do lists for the next day the night before. Finding the perfect planner and filling it in for the month. Making meal prep plans and ordering the grocery list online. I have 8 weekly meal menus stored up, with the thought that surely that will be enough to help get me to this imaginary place of balance. I have done it all. Most of those around me look in on my life and think I am a disciplined and organized woman. Yet STILL, this voice roars at me. Yet I would STILL lay down every day feeling as if I was failing and didn’t do enough. My mind was screaming, JESUS HELP ME find balance.
As I was sitting in our prayer room at our church, He finally laid it out for me. He said, “Are you done?” What?! What kind of a question was that?! I have been doing everything I can to try to do His will. Trying to put feet to the dreams HE placed in me. Trying to be a good steward of my family and every other responsibility I had. Trying to make sure I had balance in it all. What else was I supposed to do?! What am I not doing?!?!
The fear of the LORD leads to life, So that one may sleep satisfied, untouched by evil. Prov 19:23
He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He will also hear their cry and will save them. Ps 145:19
Who is the man who fears the LORD? He will instruct him in the way he should choose. Ps 25:12
In the fear of the LORD, there is strong confidence, and his children will have refuge. The fear of the LORD is a fountain of life, that one may avoid the snares of death. Proverbs 14:26
He began to speak to me about how it was time to stop playing God. To give it all to Him and step back – step back and worship Him with no agenda, not asking for anything, but worship Him as a daughter who loves her Father and just wants to sit in His lap and let Him hold her. And let me tell you, at first, it was difficult because my first reaction is to think, “But if I just let it all go, I’ll be lazy. What if I don’t accomplish anything on time? What if nothing gets done? What if my dreams don’t come true because I didn’t work hard enough?”.
Then He got real with me.
He said, “Exactly. Are you done trying to play my part? Am I not God? The God who gave you these dreams, your family, everything that you posses? Am I not enough? Can you not worship with me without a goal? Can you not worship me TRUSTING THAT I AM THE ONE THAT BRINGS FRUIT TO THE SEEDS I GAVE YOU? What if I took it all away, would you leave me? Do you worship me for me or for what you want me to do for you? You will never do what only I can do through you, and until you can understand that, you will keep running around this mountain.”
I immediately hit my knees and wept. I asked for His forgiveness and realized that my to-do list was all out of order. Number one is to worship Him with no agenda. To trust just as the Israelites did when He gave them the Sabbath. A margin of space that says, put down your ability to work, and trust that I will finish the rest.
What it came down to, for me at least and hopefully someone else who is reading this, was trust. Trust that no matter what, He has me. He has my family. He has my future. This life is not about me and what I can feel great about accomplishing. It’s not even about my dreams and what He can do through me. At the end of the day, it’s about Him. It’s about His desire for me to love Him FIRST with everything that is in me and everything that I have. Could I trust that He will take care of my to do lists? I can if I let go of my timeline and embrace His. Could I trust that He loves me even if I didn’t get up at 5am and have my quiet time? I can if I trust and know that He is a good father and loves me unconditionally. It’s not about what I can prove or do to prove myself ready and worthy. He is the only one who is worthy, and He lives in me. Could I trust Him with my dreams? I can if I give them back to Him and say, regardless of what I desire, I will be present in the now and trust that you have the master plan. And His plan is always better than mine. This life isn’t about me.
I am currently walking this out. I believe it will be a lifelong process of constantly giving everything back to Him. So in the mean time, I’ll prostrate myself before Him and declare, that I am just here to serve and love Him. He has the master plan, and I will walk in the Fear of the Lord and His Sabbath rest that says I am not God. I will give Him my best and bow down in reverence to Him and say, I trust you. I trust and will obey to rest in your Sabbath Rest. The Rest of the Lord, that takes care of what I could never provide for in my own strength. When I choose to rest and trust, everything else balances out. I pray that lying voice that may have been roaring over you would be shut in the name of Jesus, and that the roar of the Lion of the Tribe of Judah, would remind you that He is God and He has you in the palm of His hand. He is the balance, the peace, and the order we long for. So lets do this together sister, take a deep breath, and release it all. You’re not alone in this, He’s go us!