Community is created, not found

No one really tells you it’s up to you to create community. I quickly realized this after I moved and spent my first weekend alone. I got takeout sushi, set up my television on my own (surprisingly), and watched Friends episodes for the fifteenth time. Phoebe was making me laugh and Joey was doing his “How you doin’?” when suddenly I looked around at my shoebox apartment with very little furniture and realized that I needed to make friends, not just watch Friends. I needed to actually go outside and start some conversations.

I was lonely.

We so easily believe the myth that feeling lonely is bad. Loneliness can be a lie from the Enemy to distract us and make us feel isolated from God-given people and our community. Or loneliness can be a signal from God that we need community. Loneliness reminds us that community is a primary need and that when we desire to find people, we are becoming more like God. See, something beautiful about God is that as an eternal, perfect being, He is both utterly alone, separate, and holy and, at the same time, wholly and joyfully in relationship within the Trinity. God is satisfied and complete both alone and in His triune relationship—yet He yearns for our hearts.

In Genesis 2:18, God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone.” God created us and knew we needed good relationships, so He gave us the joyful opportunity to cultivate community. And God can use loneliness to remind us that He’s made us for more connection. My loneliness that day, eating takeout and watching reruns, was actually a good thing. It prompted me to get out of my apartment and find new friendships.

After realizing that my weekends are not good if spent all alone, I decided I needed to meet new people. But making friends as an adult—or honestly, at any age—is hard. The main reason is that it usually involves awkward beginnings and going places alone. And as much as I wished friends would just show up at my doorstep, I knew that nothing good comes easily and that few things that are easy are also good.

Here’s what I did to start my hunt for community:

1. I went to church.

At first, I went alone. I tried multiple churches until I found one I wanted to be part of, and in this process, I often sat alone. Every now and then, I would learn of a friend of a friend who also went to that church, and I would awkwardly ask to sit with them. I also looked at the Bible studies and serving opportunities available.

Let me be completely honest with you: Attending church alone was hard. A lot of churches overlook single adults. You can easily find childcare and young married groups, but it is often tough to find a Bible study that isn’t for couples or that isn’t closed off to new people because it’s full of well-known church attendees. I would love to tell you that I walked into a church and immediately felt included. But that’s not what happened. It took time.

I didn’t feel like I belonged at my church until I offered to serve as a counselor for sixth-grade girls at a youth winter re- treat. And through camp food, serving, early mornings, and late nights, I got to know not only sweet preteen girls but also other young adults who were serving in the youth ministry. So if you’re single and trying to get active in a church, I recommend doing these three things:

Give it time, and give grace to yourself and others. Young married couples may not know what it is like to go to church alone, but others at your church do. Community takes time. No one understands your situation fully, but if you become the bold one and ask someone to meet you for lunch or cof- fee, you can help each other see a different perspective. Give yourself grace if you feel nervous and stumble over words when the preacher says to greet those around you. And give yourself grace in those times when you just sit in the back and try to avoid eye contact. The awkward beginnings do not mean that you are awkward. Sometimes these settings are uncomfortable because of a lack of consideration for single people.

Find a way to serve. Service brings people together. Ask to serve on the greeting team, in the kids ministry, in the youth ministry—anywhere in the church where you can use your gifts. I met my two good friends through serving in the youth ministry. God rewards His faithful children with blessings. Serving leads to blessings in both your life and others’ lives.

Ask someone at the church what Bible study you can join. Sometimes it isn’t clear what group is open to you, and it helps the church serve and care for you when you are willing to ask. Would it be better if they provided a clearer path for finding community? Yes. But if they haven’t, ask for clarity. I did this after waiting months and finally got connected to a group of girls in a similar stage as mine. No one told me about this group initially; I had to seek it out. And I’m glad I did.

Give your church a chance and time. Many of us have met “friends” from church who were not kind, were cliquey, and left us out. Don’t let your past hurts stop you from finding holy community today. God is doing something new.

2. I used what I could from my resources to create community.

Had I talked to my camp friend Lindsey in the last six years? Not much. But I reached out to her once I arrived in Atlanta, and she went out of her way to check in on me, get brunch with me, and invite me to her favorite places. I also had dinner with a friend of a friend, and guess what? We never saw each other again. She was nice, but there were no friendship sparks—and that’s okay. Your resources may lead you to a forever friend or to someone you get lunch with only once on a pretty spring day. But it is better to try than to sit still.

You don’t have to babysit, try a handstand push-up, or awkwardly ask a mutual friend to lunch to find community. But you do have to put yourself out there in some way, whether it’s showing up to a book club, offering a skill, joining a Facebook group, or asking that girl sitting by herself at church to dinner. Remember, you won’t simply stumble on community. It won’t just walk up to you while you’re in your pajamas in your apartment. It has to be created, initiated, encouraged, and sought after.

It is not good for you to be alone, so when you feel lonely, don’t become sad. Let God remind you it is better to be with people.

Excerpted from The Better Friend by Grace Valentine. Copyright © 2025 by Grace Valentine. All rights reserved.