by Grace Valentine | Jun 5, 2025 | Featured, Life Advice, LO Library
Community is created, not found
No one really tells you it’s up to you to create community. I quickly realized this after I moved and spent my first weekend alone. I got takeout sushi, set up my television on my own (surprisingly), and watched Friends episodes for the fifteenth time. Phoebe was making me laugh and Joey was doing his “How you doin’?” when suddenly I looked around at my shoebox apartment with very little furniture and realized that I needed to make friends, not just watch Friends. I needed to actually go outside and start some conversations.
I was lonely.
We so easily believe the myth that feeling lonely is bad. Loneliness can be a lie from the Enemy to distract us and make us feel isolated from God-given people and our community. Or loneliness can be a signal from God that we need community. Loneliness reminds us that community is a primary need and that when we desire to find people, we are becoming more like God. See, something beautiful about God is that as an eternal, perfect being, He is both utterly alone, separate, and holy and, at the same time, wholly and joyfully in relationship within the Trinity. God is satisfied and complete both alone and in His triune relationship—yet He yearns for our hearts.
In Genesis 2:18, God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone.” God created us and knew we needed good relationships, so He gave us the joyful opportunity to cultivate community. And God can use loneliness to remind us that He’s made us for more connection. My loneliness that day, eating takeout and watching reruns, was actually a good thing. It prompted me to get out of my apartment and find new friendships.
After realizing that my weekends are not good if spent all alone, I decided I needed to meet new people. But making friends as an adult—or honestly, at any age—is hard. The main reason is that it usually involves awkward beginnings and going places alone. And as much as I wished friends would just show up at my doorstep, I knew that nothing good comes easily and that few things that are easy are also good.
Here’s what I did to start my hunt for community:
1. I went to church.
At first, I went alone. I tried multiple churches until I found one I wanted to be part of, and in this process, I often sat alone. Every now and then, I would learn of a friend of a friend who also went to that church, and I would awkwardly ask to sit with them. I also looked at the Bible studies and serving opportunities available.
Let me be completely honest with you: Attending church alone was hard. A lot of churches overlook single adults. You can easily find childcare and young married groups, but it is often tough to find a Bible study that isn’t for couples or that isn’t closed off to new people because it’s full of well-known church attendees. I would love to tell you that I walked into a church and immediately felt included. But that’s not what happened. It took time.
I didn’t feel like I belonged at my church until I offered to serve as a counselor for sixth-grade girls at a youth winter re- treat. And through camp food, serving, early mornings, and late nights, I got to know not only sweet preteen girls but also other young adults who were serving in the youth ministry. So if you’re single and trying to get active in a church, I recommend doing these three things:
Give it time, and give grace to yourself and others. Young married couples may not know what it is like to go to church alone, but others at your church do. Community takes time. No one understands your situation fully, but if you become the bold one and ask someone to meet you for lunch or cof- fee, you can help each other see a different perspective. Give yourself grace if you feel nervous and stumble over words when the preacher says to greet those around you. And give yourself grace in those times when you just sit in the back and try to avoid eye contact. The awkward beginnings do not mean that you are awkward. Sometimes these settings are uncomfortable because of a lack of consideration for single people.
Find a way to serve. Service brings people together. Ask to serve on the greeting team, in the kids ministry, in the youth ministry—anywhere in the church where you can use your gifts. I met my two good friends through serving in the youth ministry. God rewards His faithful children with blessings. Serving leads to blessings in both your life and others’ lives.
Ask someone at the church what Bible study you can join. Sometimes it isn’t clear what group is open to you, and it helps the church serve and care for you when you are willing to ask. Would it be better if they provided a clearer path for finding community? Yes. But if they haven’t, ask for clarity. I did this after waiting months and finally got connected to a group of girls in a similar stage as mine. No one told me about this group initially; I had to seek it out. And I’m glad I did.
Give your church a chance and time. Many of us have met “friends” from church who were not kind, were cliquey, and left us out. Don’t let your past hurts stop you from finding holy community today. God is doing something new.
2. I used what I could from my resources to create community.
Had I talked to my camp friend Lindsey in the last six years? Not much. But I reached out to her once I arrived in Atlanta, and she went out of her way to check in on me, get brunch with me, and invite me to her favorite places. I also had dinner with a friend of a friend, and guess what? We never saw each other again. She was nice, but there were no friendship sparks—and that’s okay. Your resources may lead you to a forever friend or to someone you get lunch with only once on a pretty spring day. But it is better to try than to sit still.
You don’t have to babysit, try a handstand push-up, or awkwardly ask a mutual friend to lunch to find community. But you do have to put yourself out there in some way, whether it’s showing up to a book club, offering a skill, joining a Facebook group, or asking that girl sitting by herself at church to dinner. Remember, you won’t simply stumble on community. It won’t just walk up to you while you’re in your pajamas in your apartment. It has to be created, initiated, encouraged, and sought after.
It is not good for you to be alone, so when you feel lonely, don’t become sad. Let God remind you it is better to be with people.
Excerpted from The Better Friend by Grace Valentine. Copyright © 2025 by Grace Valentine. All rights reserved.
by Grace Valentine | Apr 6, 2023 | Life Advice
Mark 15:15 “Wanting to satisfy the crowd, Pilate released Barabbas to them. He had Jesus flogged, and handed him over to be crucified.”
I grew up hearing the gospel often. But one Easter, I remember walking into church, singing the songs, hearing the verses read, and feeling nothing. I used to be the girl sobbing in church when the pastor explained the gospel, feeling the spirit during worship. But then without even realizing it, the “good news” suddenly felt like “old news.” I could go through the motions of Easter and never take more than 5 minutes to thank God.
Not only that, but sin had become more common for me. Overlooking the gospel caused me to overlook peace, conviction, and joy. My selfish living was causing me restlessness.
Maybe this is you right now. With Easter approaching many of us can acknowledge we have heard the gospel many times. Most of us have heard that there was a Son of God who was sent as a servant, and although flawless, took on the punishment we deserved. Because He was a perfect sacrifice and He suffered a death on the cross, we finally were forgiven. Three days later, the tomb He was buried in was empty. He defeated death and resurrected from the grave. Now, we have the opportunity to believe in His resurrection. If we believe, we get to go to Heaven for eternity.
Maybe you have never heard this before, and if this is the case, I invite you to read the gospel. I invite you to accept Christ as your Savior, and decide to follow Him.
This message changed my life. However, without even noticing it, in the midst of a busy life, errands, and daily duties at work or school… I became numb to the gospel. Suddenly, hearing the gospel and believing it became something I tried to put on my to-do list, but easily skipped over. Maybe, that’s how you feel. Therefore, your actions right now reflect how mine once were. They reflect a “kinda know the story” kind of person. When temptation is too strong, you give in. When the world is loud, you listen to them over your Savior.
When I felt this way toward the gospel, I remember reading Matthew 27 and realizing I related to Pontius Pilate. Pontius Pilate was the governor who ended up making the official order for Jesus to be crucified. I get it, I am not exactly like Pilate. I am not the governor of anything and I’m pretty sure I am only in charge of bringing the mac-and-cheese to the Easter brunch (which is a big duty I like to believe). But I have denied Him publicly like He did and listened to the crowd over my heart. Pilate was the one who made the offical order for Jesus to be crucified, not because he thought Jesus was bad or deserved this punishment. He made this order because the crowd wanted Jesus dead.
Oftentimes after hearing the gospel over and over, we know Jesus is a good guy, but we listen to the crowd instead of standing by our Savior. We want to satisfy the crowd more than we want to live like our Savior. We often think, “I know the story. I know Jesus was perfect. But it isn’t always convenient to stand by Him.”
See, when we feel numb to the cross it is because we are distracted. When we are numb to the cross, we are denying Jesus as our Savior and listening to the crowd. We may not have a crowd around us yelling at us to crucify Jesus… But each day we reside in a world that yells lies about our Savior and about our identity. And without even realizing it, we began to get distracted from the cross and believe these lies.
We have to remind ourselves that Jesus isn’t just a “good guy,” He is a Savior who is worthy of all praise and attention. Even in the busyness of our lives we must tend to our relationship with Jesus. It is not enough for us to just know He is a good guy. We need a relationship with Jesus, a consistent prayer life with Him, and to read His word… we need more than just an acknowledgment that He is good.
So if you feel restless and like the gospel has become “old news”… stop what you are doing. Talk to Jesus honestly. Pray for conviction and for a heart that doesn’t get distracted by the crowd. Add in prayer time, worship, and even a walk with a faithful friend so you can be pointed to Jesus, even when the crowd is loud.
Dear God,
Remind me this Easter to not let myself become numb to the gospel. I pray you soften my heart and allow me to remember all you have done for me and all you continue to do. Help me to remember your power this Easter. Amen.
by Grace Valentine | Jun 17, 2021 | Life Advice, Sisterhood |
If you’re anything like me then you’ve struggled with comparison. I love that the word of the month for Live Original is sisterhood because so often I treat other daughters of Christ as opponents instead of sisters.
Throwback to high school for instance…
One time my friend’s ex dated someone new. We did what many girls do. We stalked the new girl and compared her to my friend…
“YOU’RE PRETTIER THAN HER.”
“OH HE TOTALLY DOWNGRADED.”
Downgraded according to Urban Dictionary means:
“When someone goes from having something relatively good to something that is worse than the original. Often used with boyfriend/girlfriends.”
So basically I called some random girl who probably is a sweet girl with dreams, a family, shares the same Creator as me, and has insecurities like me….uglier than my friend. I compared my friend to a girl she didn’t know. I created tension between two girls who did not even know each other.
Two girls who are actually sisters in Christ. I thought comforting words were: “you’re prettier than her.”
The truth is this conversation may make someone feel pretty for a second… it may make someone feel “better” for a minute… but comparison can’t ever comfort someone. Only our Savior can comfort.
I look back on that night and I get so convicted by my sin. But the truth is I’ve noticed this same conversation happen with girls of all ages, including moms. We compare each other instead of love each other. We compare ourselves and find ourselves more insecure than before.
I don’t care if it’s the new girl your ex is dating or the bully at your school. I don’t care if it’s the girl in the “rival” sorority who just doesn’t seem to like you… or if it’s the prom queen. We as women need to start walking in our true purpose. And that’s to be sisters and teammates, not opponents.
The truth is comparison isn’t comforting. Comparison may make you feel good for an hour while crying that your ex moved on, and having a friend chime in saying “she isn’t as pretty as you,” but the next day you’ll wake up and look in the mirror and doubt your friend’s words. You’ll notice your waistline increasing and freak because Sally Jane, who is now dating your ex, has a smaller waistline. You’ll realize you aren’t the prettiest princess, and yes, maybe the girl next to you does have better legs than you. Her chest is bigger and the girl your boyfriend cheated on you with does get more guys than you.
Comparison highlights someone’s best and worst qualities while allowing you to only highlight your worst. It may make you feel good for a second, but comparison doesn’t comfort. Comparison doesn’t bring you peace. Jesus does. His grace completes you.
When you compare others to each other, you begin to see the worst in your self. If you speak destruction in others’ lives, you continually destruct your own.
Comparison only highlights insecurities more.
Because, truth be told, if I compared my looks to the fashion blogger on Instagram – she would probably win.
I can’t compete with her, because I was never meant to be her.
Our society already puts so much pressure on women to look a certain way and to act a certain way. Why do we as women, who firsthand know how hard it is to be a girl… still decide to put down other girls?
And the thing is, this kind of stuff doesn’t only happen in high school. We like to believe it only happens in high school… childish stalking, judging a girl by her social media, and comparing her to your best friend… but I’ve met plenty of 20-somethings, 30-somethings, and soccer moms who like to make life a competition.
Why are we women so darn competitive?
LIKE WHY DO I HAVE TO ALWAYS BE FASTER THAN THE 40 YEAR-OLD NEXT TO ME IN THE GYM.
There’s no way my quads will ever be as good as hers. Nothing wrong with that. But why do I care? Why don’t I focus on myself, instead of wasting energy trying to be someone I’m not? Why don’t I cheer her on? I should spend more time being her sister and stop trying to be her competition.
Maybe you sometimes feel the urge to compete with your ex’s new girlfriend or the girl who is dating the great guy. Or maybe you feel like your friend gets all the boys and since you don’t, she’s winning and she is prettier.
It sounds dumb, because it is dumb. But let me be clear – just because one girl is beautiful and talented does not mean you are not. Just because someone is scoring touchdowns does not mean you have to sit on the sidelines. Just because someone is happy, does not mean you are supposed to be sad.
Life was never meant to be a contest. Community is about connecting, not comparison.
Our one goal should be Christ. We should be pushed to know Him and not be pushed to be the prettiest girl in our group, to be more popular than his ex, or to be more successful than our “friend.” Our one goal should always be to know Christ and make Him known. When you know Christ, you pray for those around you to walk in their blessings and in His name.
In Acts 9 there’s a woman named Tabitha who Peter comes across while telling others that Jesus had risen from the dead. We don’t know much about Tabitha and maybe that’s why I admire her so much. We don’t know if she was the prettiest girl in the town, or if she had a successful business. We don’t know if she made the best breakfast or if she was popular. What we know is that she loved the overlooked. She made clothes for the widows and the poor. Tabitha loved others well. She was constantly looking for those others had forgotten and helping them. When she died, everyone was upset wearing the clothes she had made them. Peter rose her from the dead through Jesus’s name.
In a society that tells us we should strive to be the “main character”, I hope we can strive to be like Tabitha. She loved big, didn’t try to make her name big. She served others, not her own name. She wasn’t worried about being “prettier”, “better”, or “proving herself”… she was busy being a good sister to everyone. And when others thought she was dead, they remembered her for her love. Her love was what made her different. She loved her sisters well and her community was better for it.
We have enough women who focus on changing their relationship status and changing who they are to please society. We need more women willing to change the world.
Always remember ladies – just because another girl is beautiful does not mean you are not. She’s your sister, not your competition. Life and community was meant to be a celebration, not a competition. Run the race God called you to run, the One that leads to Heaven. AND STOP trying to compete with people who are supposed to be your teammates.
Grace is a 24 year old author of two books who also writes timely encouragement on Instagram. She lives in Orlando, FL, and her favorite food is sushi!
Follow Grace on Instagram @thegracevalentine to find out more info on her books!
