Fall is my favorite season, but is it’s also the hardest on my heart. This time of year has a way of shining light onto old cobwebs and that makes my heart ache in ways I wish I could forget. Some of the hardest battles have been fought for me in the fall and winter. Seeing the leaves change reminds me of the ache I felt. Feeling the temperature drop reminds me of shouts I used to yell at Jesus when I couldn’t see my way out.

There is something about familiar sights, sounds, smells and weather that wakes up the heavy nostalgia of past hardships and seasons for me. I’ve been learning to hold it lightly. That has been my anthem the past 6 months. But how do I hold this lightly? What does God say about pain creeping back in? Who is my Jesus in all of this?

Ecclesiastes 3 has been my comfort in the wrestling.

“For everything there is a season,

a time for every action under heaven.

A time to be born and a time to die.

A time to plant and a time to harvest.

A time to kill and a time to heal.

A time to tear down and a time to build up.

A time to cry and a time to laugh.

A time to grieve and a time to dance.

A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.

A time to embrace and a time to turn away.

A time to search and a time to quit searching.

A time to keep and a time to throw away.

A time to tear and a time to mend.

A time to be quiet and a time to speak.

A time to love and a time to hate.

A time of war and a time for peace.”

And then, I remember Romans 8. I feel like Romans 8 has been my life raft in the midst of the heaviest storms.

“And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” (verse 28)

“What then shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave him up for us all – how will He not also, along with him, graciously give us all these things?” (verses 31-32)

“No in ALL these things we are MORE than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the Love of God that is in Jesus.” (verses 37-39)

Nothing can keep me from the love of Jesus. No reminder of past pain. No flashback of past losses. No threat from Satan. No thought of how unworthiness. God is teaching me to let go and let love in. To be loved is a freeing thing.

Sometimes, what defines us from 3 years ago doesn’t have to have a say. It doesn’t even have to have a whisper.

I think this fall is going to be different. I’m seeing wounds in my heart breathe again. I feel it. I see growth in the unexpected.

God is not just patching –  He’s healing. That’s what He does.