“Hey! That’s mine! This one is yours. This is my side of the table! Stop it right now!”

Until that moment, our house had been relatively quiet; our boys were in their room pushing their little wooden trains down an elaborate and expertly designed wooden track. They were pretty young, and while their conflict resolution skills were lacking, their wooden-train-layout skills were quite impressive. As you can probably imagine, in a house with two toddlers, relative quiet was remarkably rare, and I was enjoying a brief reprieve while Amanda was in town running errands.

But then, without warning, that beautiful, peaceful quiet shattered.

Jolted into action, I leapt out of my chair—I did not like what I was hearing and knew from experience that an argument could escalate to blows quickly. My older son’s tone was decidedly harsh toward his little brother, not the kind words that we’d been encouraging in our children. Anger started to rise in my chest, and as I bounded down the hall, my mind raced with everything I was going to say as soon as I got there: You know better than this. How many times do I have to tell you? This isn’t the way we treat others! You need to apologize right now!

The truth hit me as soon as I got to the doorway.

The tone I heard coming from Ezra’s tiny lips? It was my own. The words he’d just said? They were mine. The harsh words I’d just heard were remarkably similar to the words I was about to speak—and had spoken plenty of times before. How could I tell my kids to treat each other with kindness and respect if I was seemingly incapable of doing the same?

Standing in their bedroom doorway, I watched my two boisterous little boys with blond hair and blue eyes look up from their wooden trains to each other and then to me. I was reminded once again that if I wanted my children to navigate disagreements and disputes with kindness, respect, honor, and calm clarity, I first had to change how I spoke to them in the midst of chaos and conflict.

In Matthew 7:12, Jesus gives the crowning principle, the gold standard of how we should be in the world as His followers: We are to treat others as we want to be treated.

Our children don’t arrive in this world treating us (their life-giving, good-gift-bearing parents) the way we want to be treated. From toddlerhood to the teenage years, kids generally don’t show their parents all the respect, love, and appreciation we would hope for. Even though we know children learn honor, obedience, and wisdom slowly, it can be tempting to decide that we’re going to demand deference from children while not showing any consideration to them. Jesus firmly rejects such parental hypocrisy.

Whatever we want our children to do and be starts with us. We have to do to our children the things we want them to do to us and others. We have to speak to our children the words we want them to speak to us and others. We must model to our children the ways we want them to listen to and be mindful of us and others. If that feels counterintuitive to you, you’re not alone! After all, we are bigger and wiser. Why shouldn’t we leverage that power over our children while we still have it? But is that how we want others to treat us? Is that how Jesus teaches us to use authority when we have it?

It isn’t. Fundamentally, our children are people. And Christ’s commands about how to treat people apply to them just as much as to anyone else.

It’s simple to say but sometimes so very hard to do.

Consider what Jesus says in the Sermon on the Mount:

Who among you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask him. Therefore, whatever you want others to do for you, do also the same for them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

Matthew 7:9-12

And God’s greatest gift to us? Jesus. When we think about the messianic hope that is fulfilled in Jesus, we often narrow in on the eternal salvation provided through Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection. But the good news of Jesus cannot be confined to a hope for a heavenly future. Jesus was sent by God not only to save His people from condemnation but also to establish a Kingdom of those whose hearts have been renewed by His grace and to transform our way of living. And that includes our parenting.

I wish I could tell you that, after the Toy Train Kerfuffle, I never spoke harshly to either of my sons again. I wish I could tell you that I have succeeded in treating them with honor and dignity and the love of Christ a full 100 percent of the time. But I can’t.

God intends for parents to meet the needs of their children, yet even the most devoted parents fail their children sometimes. It is natural and normal to grieve and lament past choices and actions. Guilt, regret, and remorse are not only typical and healthy responses; they also serve to direct us toward progress and maturity.

You are a great parent. And, just like every other great parent, you’ve made mistakes. As you continue on this journey, resist the urge to fall into negative self-talk (I’m a horrible parent!), make absolute statements (I’ve ruined my relationship with my child), or try to shame yourself into being a better parent (If I don’t get this right from now on, I’m probably not going to have a good relationship with my kids as adults). Remember, your children don’t need a perfect parent in order to flourish and thrive. They need you. They need a parent who is present, who is always learning and growing, and who diligently works to repair, restore, and strengthen the trust-based parent-child relationship.

You haven’t failed, and you are not failing. You are, and always have been, becoming the parent Christ has called you to be.

Adapted from The Flourishing Family: A Jesus-Centered Guide to Parenting with Peace and Purpose by Dr. David and Amanda Erickson, releasing in September 2024.