Marriage & In-Laws (Yes – we’re going there!!)

Without a doubt, my 26-year marriage has been both the most challenging and the most rewarding part of my life. Walking with someone through every season, the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly, and still being loved even more along the way, is one of the closest glimpses we get of the unconditional love of God. And let’s be honest, one of the most significant and sometimes trickiest parts of any marriage is navigating our relationships with our families of origin, better known as “the in-laws.”

Letting Go

Firsts hold special significance—your first kiss, the first time you said “I love you,” or even your first argument. So it follows that the first words God—the originator of marriage—spoke about marriage are significant. In biblical interpretation, this is called the principle of first mention, drawing attention to the importance of these initial statements. His first words about marriage aren’t what I would have expected. Listen to this: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24 ESV)

I find this ironic for two reasons: first, because Adam and Eve, whom God was speaking to, didn’t have biological parents. Which begs the age-old Sunday school question: Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons (if you know, you know)? It is also ironic because most people wouldn’t put leaving their parents at the top of their list of marriage issues. But God did, so it deserves our time and attention. We’ve all seen it. The husband who is more concerned with pleasing his mom than his wife. The wife who will greatly inconvenience herself and her family to make her dad happy. The adult child who is still working to become a success to prove something to their parents. The young parents whose parenting philosophy is to do everything their parents didn’t do for them. These are all symptoms of not having properly left your family of origin. When considering these examples, we can see that leaving well is a significant ingredient to a happy marriage. 

So how do we leave our parents well? Obviously, this doesn’t mean we never see them again, nor does it necessarily mean we no longer live with them, since it was typical for ancient societies to live in intergenerational homes. Leaving our parents to become one with our spouse is an internal, spiritual, and emotional state rather than a physical one. Just because you moved three thousand miles away and haven’t spoken to your parents in years doesn’t mean you’ve left them. It could mean just the opposite. The ancient storyteller Aesop had it right when he said, “Please all, and you will please none.”

The key to leaving your parents well is to acknowledge that your chief aim now is to please your spouse. The priority for your time, energy, and emotional attention belongs to your spouse, not your parents. And if you have to let down either your spouse or your parents, you have to prioritize your spouse’s feelings every time. Nobody will ever win with both all the time. In fact, the only way to win is to let go of our life with our parents, forgiving their failures and releasing their standards or expectations for success. 

Demonstrating Honor

On the other hand, the Bible has an entirely different set of instructions regarding our families of origin: Honor. 

I don’t know how we would have navigated the city of Los Angeles if we hadn’t had Apple Maps on our phones. When we first started flying down from Seattle to LA to lead our Bible studies, we would have been lost without this incredible blue dot on our phones constantly telling us where to go. The directions and clarity were a game-changer. However, no technological tool could prepare us to read LA County parking signs. They offer complete and utter confusion! On one pole there will be five signs that each say something different, some of them with conflicting information. Do an image search and I promise you will get a good laugh. Don’t ask how many parking tickets we’ve gotten over the years because we can’t read those signs! 

The Bible can seem to have some conflicting messages too. I don’t know many theologians who would admit this, but I think God is big enough to handle this truth. What our relationship with our parents is supposed to look like after we get married can feel like one of these conflicting messages. On one hand, we are instructed to leave our families of origin to become one with our spouse, while on the other hand, we see that honoring your parents is a theme throughout Scripture, and Jesus himself makes it clear that this is not an admonition only to children. He specifically speaks about the responsibility of adult children to honor their parents. But how are we supposed to do this if we have left them? 

We handle this the same way we do with other parts of the Bible that seem to contradict each other: We accept the tension and work to simultaneously hold both truths. Even though our priority is now our spouse and our aim is to please them, our goal should still be to honor our parents. But what does this look like when we have moved out and our spouse has become our immediate family, or even if our parents have passed away? 

One of the best ways we can show honor is through forgiveness. None of our parents were perfect, and most did the best they could with what they knew at the time. That doesn’t mean some hurts weren’t real, but holding on to resentment only keeps us stuck. If we want to create a home filled with grace, we must choose to forgive past hurts instead of carrying bitterness around. Even if full reconciliation isn’t possible, we can support our partner in letting go of anger and extending grace, just as Jesus does for us. 

Another way to honor our parents is by caring for them financially when they need it. When we were kids, they provided for us, and as they age, the roles often shift. This doesn’t mean we have to be their sole providers, but as a couple, we can talk about how we might step in to help, whether that’s contributing toward medical expenses, making sure they have enough groceries, or even offering practical support like helping with errands. Jesus set an example of this on the cross when he entrusted his mother’s care to John. One of the most amazing things Judah has done for me is how well he has cared for my parents alongside me. I can’t begin to describe how loved and supported it makes me feel when he honors my parents in these practical ways.

Lastly, let’s honor our parents by speaking well of them. This doesn’t mean we can’t respectfully acknowledge shortcomings and hurts, but we should consistently highlight their good qualities, especially in front of each other, our children, and others. Even if our upbringing wasn’t perfect, we can still find ways to express appreciation. Maybe they taught us a strong work ethic, showed kindness to others, or simply did their best despite challenges. Proverbs 31:28 tells us that adult children grow up and call their mother “blessed.” As a couple, we want to model honor in our home by speaking about our parents with gratitude and respect. The way we talk about them will shape how our own children view family and legacy and, ultimately, how they may treat us one day. Now that should make us think!

Chelsea Smith is the author of ‘I Do’ Today: A 52-Week Guide to the Marriage You’ve Been Waiting For and serves as the lead theologian for Churchome, a digitally based faith community and content platform she co-leads with her husband, Judah Smith. Chelsea holds a master’s degree in theology from Fuller Seminary and brings warmth, wisdom, and theological insight to both her leadership and writing. She and Judah live in the Pacific Northwest with their three children.