No Longer Sleeping
Is your heart sound asleep or awakened? To be awake is for one to rouse from sleep. When awakened, you began to open your eyes and see. You can see it in the sunrise and sunset, a sprout of a tiny plant, or even a child’s first smile. For some, we had experienced an awakening when we first gave our lives to Christ when one decides to walk in total surrender. We began to pick up our cross with so much zeal and passion. We no longer wanted to live our lives in our hands. I, too, experienced my first awakening. When I decided to turn to Jesus, I first heard Lauren Daigle singing How Can it Be, the lyrics of the song completely undid me. Before my life was full of sadness and pain, I wanted something different and everlasting.
I remember saying to myself, and I too want to experience God in that way, ways I haven’t before. At that moment, at a conference of 2,000 people, a boldness started to rise within me. I believe that was me waking up, waking up out of my slumber into living, living a life that is pleasing to the Lord and not for myself. It is one thing to sing a great song, but to live it was different.
I was excited for this new chapter in life, a life that has been awakened to see and experience a living God. I began to read scripture and ask the Lord to show me who He is in my life, and I wanted to see Jesus who is near the brokenhearted, Holy Spirit swallowing up my loneliness, and God, the father, parenting his children, you and me.
On this Journey, my zeal and passion began to subside, my relationship with God became very passive. I began to strive for his love through performance and passivity. I was still carrying the heavyweights that entangled me. I thought that I was exempt from trials and pain because I was a Christian, but The Lord never promised that to me. He promised me a life that will face trouble and take heart because he has overcome it all. (John 16:33) I believed there was much more to God than what I was experiencing. I didn’t know how to get out of my slumber. I had deep wounds that were unspoken, stuck in a house in the lowest valley.
Wherever you are, maybe you are there right now.
This writing below is my testimony of the Lord came running down my prodigal road to awakening, my soul. This testimony is the meaning behind my painting “The Awakening” I created at my 18 Inch Journey. The 18 Inch Journey is a discipleship school lead by Jonathon and Melissa Helser and the Cageless Birds. The Journey is devoted to focusing on learning how to take care of your heart, practice honesty and vulnerability with Jesus, and experiencing the Holy Spirit in your daily life. I believe he can awake your soul to sing and believe again.
This writing is my personal experience of the hope the Lord brought to me.
My eyes shut tight. I was fast asleep
I Inhale and exhale
Suddenly the painter comes rushing in, urging me to wake up.
“Victoria, Victoria, WAKE UP, Victoria, can you hear me? This message is vital,” the painter shouted.
It felt like my eyes would not open.
With much effort and strength, I could only open my right eye.
Just enough to see the painter and the painting.
“Why the urgency?” I asked
He quickly paints AWAKEN in big letters covering the entirety of the wall.
Then the painter rushes out of the room.
There I was alone, trying to comprehend what happened, but because I was working out of my strength, it withered away, and I fell back asleep.
To AWAKEN, it is for one to rouse from sleep.
Walking into our final weeks of creating a painting to reflect our time during discipleship school, I was nervous; I wanted to paint something that captures the essence of my time on the land, so I decided to paint a self-portrait.
Painting a self-portrait meant I had to look at what I became. I was dull with hopelessness scramming for security, love, and guidance all on my own.
Before coming to the 18 Inch journey, I was without color, fading into the mundane life without eyes to see who God was and who I was becoming. As the mundane continued, I slipped into the cracks of the day-to-day, allowing the things around me to define me, losing more of who I indeed was, but while I was asleep, the Lord was transforming me.
Stepping foot on the farm, the Lord started to pull back the scales that were on my eyes. Scales shaped my eyes to see God more as a dictator than a friend and myself as a slave than a daughter.
He continued one by one pulling back the lies so that I could see. As he spoke words of adoration and belonging, my face began to fill with color. Color that brought the reality of my birthright. Shades of red and brown that brought life to my body and healing to my soul. The movement of color represents God, my father breathing breath back into me.
Now I can truly see the process of becoming and learning my destiny is not what I do. It is who I am. This reality allows me to walk into Victoria, who is already loved without conditions, known from the beginning, accepted without limitations, and already chosen.
Suddenly I took a step back to reflect then I realized it was God painting me all along. I am no longer sleeping, and this is my awakening.
End of Testimonial.
I am continually awakening to the beautiful colors of sanctification, the grace of God changing me to be more like Jesus. The father is still not finished with his paint strokes on his paintbrush on my life. I trust Him to challenge, mold, and love me into beautiful artwork to shine his Glory and goodness the rest of my life.
Here are three ways to continue the process of awakening
- Honesty is a sweet fragrance unto the Lord. (Psalm 34:17-18)
Before learning that my honesty is what the Lord truly desires, I hesitated to be honest with him in my prayers. I believed that my self-protection was honesty, but it was not. The truth is, I was building a wall between God and me. To recognize the power of openness is to have a conversation with God dealing with our emotions and confessing our sins before him. There is so much freedom in knowing God already knows everything. Why not bring it into the light. A little reminder to remember is that truth and Love can never be separated.
- Build with the Holy Spirit (John 14:26-27)
I was not aware of my access to the Holy Spirit; I believe it was only for certain people. How could a promise of God become so taboo to my life or even ceasing before experiencing it? I lived in denial, telling myself I believe in good things about Him and not acknowledging the negative roots I thought.
Some advice I received at my 18 Inch journey that I believe would help is: When we look back on our past, we tend to be very hard on ourselves regarding our redemption and healing. Building a healthy root system takes simplistic repentance of those negative beliefs and listening to God’s truth. In reality, when we build with the Holy Spirit, we can look back and forward, creating space for growth and restoration. Experiencing the value of walking with the Holy Spirit is to know him as a Friend believing you have a helper at every moment in your life. Every high and low, you are not alone.
- Sing Again (Revelation 12:11)
We overcome the enemy by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. Have you stopped telling yourself your story? I am learning when I can not see, and I am anxious if the Lord will come through for me; I paused and began to remind myself of what he did for me in the past and believe he will do it again. If he said it, we must believe it. I encourage you to begin to sing and rehearse the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord. I challenge you to sing your redemption story over yourself throughout each day.
Praise comes from our admiration of God. I was in a place of darkness when I recognize that praise was my weapon, a stance of stillness, and a melody that nurtured my heart. So let His praise rise, no longer holding it in. May this blog begin to fill your life with color to breathe and live again, in the bright colors of sunshine pushing out the darkness. I believe he can awake your soul to sing and believe again.
The earth is ready to hear your melody, SING.
In addition, you can find this painting on the newly released single called Color, written by artist Kristen M. Hicks. Her prayer is that when you listen to this song, you encounter his heart for you and those around you, standing firm in the truth of his Love. All proceeds will be donated to the One Race Atlanta Movement.
Check out the 18-inch journey website here!
Listen to the song Color here!
Victoria Dynasty James is a friend of God. You can always find her giving encouraging words on Instagram @victoria.dynasty and in person. Her prayer is that others will come to know the value of friendship with Jesus.
God’s Faithfulness in Our Disillusion
God’s faithfulness isn’t based on my current set of circumstances. At least, I know this intellectually. His inherent goodness doesn’t ebb and flow along the shoreline of how well my life is going, or not. But I sure do feel better about Him when spring is in the air, my relationships are thriving, and I have reservations at Margot’s (the coziest restaurant in town). When life is sure-footed and happy, I suppose it’s easier to get behind the idea that God is good. But what about when life goes the other way and the disappointments keep crashing as surely as waves hurl themselves onto the shore? When you’ve just scraped the sand out of your bathing suit and another crest douses you from behind and down you go again? What is God like then? Is He faithful and good in all circumstances? And if so, what are we to make of that seemingly dichotomous pairing: the pain of life and the faithfulness of God? The book of Ruth may not give us a simple answer, but it offers an undeniable narrative of our Redeemer.
When I was twenty-five, I moved from my home of northern Virginia to Nashville, Tennessee. My gunmetal-gray Jeep Cherokee puffed and fumed down I-81 South, stuffed with clothes, a few small pieces from my parents’ house (where I’d been living), my guitar, and dreams hanging out of every window. I’d slid my whole life’s worth of chips into the middle of the table, except nothing about that move felt like gambling. Rather, I was going all-in on my one dream: becoming a singer-songwriter. I had big plans to be wildly successful, all for the glory of God, of course. A few years later, my business manager neatly described things when she leaned toward me over a restaurant table, folded her hands, and said, “I’ve never seen anything not work this much.” And just like that, my music career and the better part of my twenties were captured in a sentence.
She wasn’t mistaken. I felt everything go dismally wrong to the specificity of a crossed t and dotted i. It was as if God Himself was thwarting my path. From the very beginning, people who signed me to record deals lost their jobs shortly thereafter, the companies I signed with got sold or went under, merchandise was shipped to the wrong warehouse before a major tour, and nearly every sure thing turned into “Well, we’ve never had anything like this happen before.” Every break seemed to be a bad one instead of a big one. Eventually I found myself years down the road with three failed record deals, living alone, squeezed financially, and not a thing to show for my efforts—except a spectacular plaque from a short-lived number-one hit on Christian radio. I was anxious. Purpose eluded me as much as the dreams I was seeking. All the while, I wondered why God seemingly tricked me into coming to Nashville. I thought I was following Him, albeit my priorities were a tad out of whack.
While I may not have used such piercing language, I identified with the words of Ruth’s mother-in-law, Naomi: “The LORD’s hand has turned against me!”(Ruth 1:13). Without in any way setting my non tragic disappointments next to Naomi’s loss of a husband and two sons or Ruth’s loss of a husband, I identified with Naomi’s conclusions about God’s relationship to her life. I hadn’t felt God’s wind at my back for quite some time; rather, He felt more like a blustering gust into which my path always seemed to be headed. I suppose I didn’t recognize at the time that even this was a sign of His presence. During those days (and since), the book of Ruth became a well-worn park bench where I could sit beside old friends who, despite the blowing uncertainty around them, found God to be nothing less than wholly faithful. But this took time, of course, for all of us. The book of Ruth is one of the most compelling redemption stories in Scripture, and perhaps of all time—at least in my humble opinion. Like most good stories, it begins with complications and even tragedy in desperate need of restoration. Famine plagued Bethlehem, most likely due to the Israelites’ collective waywardness toward God. So an Israelite family off our—Elimelek; his wife, Naomi; and their two sons, Mahlon and Kilion—left God’s chosen town for the distant pagan land of Moab. Rather than stay and suffer for a season with the people of God, the family chose to flee the place of His presence for fuller bread baskets. The problem was that to dwell in Moab was to dwell with a people whose hearts were far from Israel’s God.
Sometime after the family’s relocation to Moab, Elimelek died. In an ultimate blow to Naomi’s heart and future well-being, both her sons died as well, sometime after marrying Ruth and Orpah. In Israelite society, a woman’s significance and sustenance were wrapped up in the life of her husband, who provided, and her sons, who carried on the family name and legacy. So here our drama begins with Naomi, a childless widow with two foreign daughters-in-law (Ruth and Orpah), who are now also widowed. Three grieving women take center stage, one with rich Israelite heritage, and two with Moabite blood running through their veins. Despite Moab being a land at odds with Israel and Naomi having fled Bethlehem, neither was beyond God’s hesed. But we’ll get to that word in a moment.
It’s funny the things we can still hear from and about God when we’re in far-off places. I wouldn’t have expected Naomi to be able to hear anything about Israel’s God since she and her husband made their beds far away in the land of false gods. I would have assumed God’s grace and provision were only for the people who stayed in Bethlehem and endured the famine. In other words, the people who “earned” it. Additionally, when we stray from the sheep pen, how far can the Shepherd’s voice be expected to travel? Well, apparently it can reach all the way to a place like Moab:
When Naomi heard in Moab that the LORD had come to the aid of his people by providing food for them, she and her daughters-in-law prepared to return home from there. (Ruth 1:6)
When the peals of God’s grace rang out in Moab, the echoes of invitation extended all the way to Naomi and her Moabitess daughters-in-law. Naomi prayed that Yahweh, the God of Israel, would show faithful love or “kindness” to Ruth and Orpah as He had shown it to her (see v. 8). The Hebrew word for this selfless and unconditional love is hesed, and it’s based on covenant—not on one’s ability to earn it. Scholar Daniel I. Block speaks of it this way: “Israel associated it with Yahweh’s covenant relationship with her; that is, despite her waywardness, Yahweh always stood steadfastly by Israel in ‘covenant loyalty’.”¹
We may be tempted to think that such an Old Testament term is meant for Old Testament times. But in fact, the hesed of God culminates in the person of Jesus. His unconditional love rings out today—all the way to the furthest reaches of our sin and wandering. And when such an invitation reaches our hearts, we should do as Naomi and her daughters-in-law did: start the journey home.
Somewhere along that formidable trek, Orpah decided to turn back, but Ruth clung to Naomi. Right before their parting, the narrator describes the three of them weeping together loudly (v. 14). While we all weep in this life, the direction in which we weep makes all the difference. Orpah wept backward to the familiar, her pagan gods, and away from the one true God of Israel. But Ruth and Naomi wept forward. This scene particularly moves me as a reminder to keep my feet pointed toward the Lord even when what He’s asking of me brings immeasurable tears. My obedience to Him as a single woman, as a disciple, has often been costly. When I reflect on Jesus’ commands in Scripture—the high call of loving others, forgiving, letting go of bitterness, putting on compassion, kindness, humility, and dying to my selfish desires and ambitions…well, it’s a radical way of life. At the same time, it’s borne fruit I never would have tasted had I clung to what I thought I needed for life and happiness over what He revealed I needed from His Word.
My own path has been far from linear, but I’ve discovered that a nonlinear path often results in linear sanctification. In other words, when I can’t make sense of what God is doing and I’m zigzagging in directions I don’t fully understand, my path to Christ becomes surprisingly straight. Anything I’ve suffered in my life has drawn me closer to Him if I’ve allowed it to. And I’ve discovered that being transformed into the image of Christ is infinitely more valuable than the personal achievements I accomplish along the way (2 Cor. 3:18).
Dearest Jesus, my Kinsman-Redeemer, thank You that I can take refuge under Your wings. I am here not because of my heritage, status, or righteousness but because Your sacrifice and love have made a place for me. Though I am grieving loss, or disappointed that my life hasn’t turned out like I thought it would, or disillusioned by Your hand seeming as though it is against me—I choose to trust You. I confess that You are good, faithful, and true in every conceivable way. I surrender all I hold dear to Your keeping. Though I may weep, I will weep forward by Your side. For You are my Redeemer, the one who restores and who works all things out for the good of those who love You. Hide me under the safety and shelter of Your wings, for in You I take refuge. Amen.
This excerpt featured is from her chapter in the Faithful book. Christian artist, author, and speaker. Books: The Fitting Room, No Other Gods, A Place at the Table, Wherever the River Runs and many more that include numerous popular Bible studies. She wrote the chapter on Ruth in the Faithful book, available now. She is also a songwriter/guest on the Faithful: Go And Speak album out now.
Collaboration Over Competition
In college, I prided myself on being the only girl in my friend group. I led worship every week and my best friends were the musicians in our church’s band. If they had questions about girls they were dating, they came to me. If they wanted to record vocals for a new song, they asked me. If they wanted to grab pizza late one night, I was always in the group text.
Then, one December night, everything changed.
A bunch of us got together for a birthday party and my friend said, “Sav! I invited a new girl named Kendall— you’re going to love her. She sings, too!”
A few minutes later, Kendall walked through the front door in all her glory: an effervescent laugh, larger-than-life presence, long blonde hair, trendy outfit, and warm smile. Everyone gravitated towards her because she had such a magnetic personality. My friend (the one who invited her) stood on a chair and shushed the room, saying, “Guys… you have to hear Kendall’s voice!”
She laughed and sang a quick chorus of some pop song. Her voice was stunning and effortless. Everyone cheered at the end and I heard a friend say, “The new girl is amazing!”
My heart sank. I felt replaced.
For the rest of the night I avoided Kendall because I was insecure. Part of my identity— part of my belovedness— was wrapped up in being the only girl. Being the only good singer. Being the only one my friends went to for dating advice. The minute she stepped on the scene I felt threatened because I saw her as someone to compete with, not someone to befriend.
Driving home that night, I sensed God’s whisper: “You are seen. You are known. You are loved. Kendall is not a threat.”
My first experience with Kendall exposed a scarcity mindset I held since I was young.
I believed there wasn’t enough room for both of us to shine so I categorized Kendall as an enemy instead of a friend. Instead of celebrating her, I turned inward and self-protected.
This is what a scarce mindset does. It causes you to think of others as obstacles to your own flourishing instead of collaborators in our pursuit of collective flourishing. A scarce mindset morphs everything into a competition. It sizes up the value of others by determining who has more likes, more friends, more attention from boys, better grades, or a smaller waist. Scarcity is driven by comparison and insecurity.
This is how the world operates, right? Maybe you even see patterns of scarcity in your own life.
After that experience, God started a years-long surgery on my heart. He began to teach me how, in the Kingdom, everyone has a vitally important role to play.
Here’s what I learned: Like precious diamonds, you and I are unique. You cannot fill my shoes and I cannot fill yours. This is a freeing truth, isn’t it?! It removes any need for competition because each of us are designed to reflect God’s glory in a one-of-a-kind way. If you don’t show up, fully you, the party just wouldn’t be the same!
God taught me how the Kingdom is designed for collaboration, not competition.
Although it was a painful experience, I’m so grateful for the night I met Kendall and the way it exposed an area of growth for my character. It prepared me for a future of amazing collaborations with talented, wonderful women. It formed me into a person who cheers for others as they succeed because we are all part of the same body— and when one part of the body thrives, I thrive.
Fast-forward 8 years or so, when I walked into a room of 25 creative women to collaborate on a project called Faithful. These women are unbelievably gifted authors, songwriters, singers, and speakers. Each of them has carved out unique paths in their respective industries, writing songs sung by the masses and authoring books you and I have read.
During our two-day retreat, I often exhaled deeply in gratitude because my insecurity was not the loudest voice in the room. Instead of seeing 25 women with whom I could compete, I saw 25 women I could learn from, celebrate, cheer on, and collaborate with. Because of the work God had been doing in my heart for the past 8 years, I was able to securely rest in my own identity as a loved child of God. And, from that groundedness, I found myself writing songs and sharing stories and creating memories I couldn’t have done on my own.
We need each other. We are made for connection. We are designed to create in community.
The Faithful Project was born from that kind of space. It arose from a Kingdom-oriented community of women whose aim was to amplify the stories of Biblical heroines. We studied Rahab and imagined a lullaby she might have sung to her son, Boaz, at night. We read about Esther and clung to the truth that God is writing a sweeping, redemptive story. We found renewed confidence in the resurrected Jesus’ commission to Mary Magdalene to go and speak of the things she had seen.
In each story, we saw a scarlet thread of God’s faithfulness tying a lineage of women together. Though each woman experienced her share of suffering, God remained faithful to the end, pulling beauty from ashes and wonder from despair. In these stories, we found traces of our own. We walked away with a renewed sense of hope that our lives are part of something much bigger than the 80-something years we have on Earth. Our lives are enmeshed in a colossally beautiful love story.
You know the feeling you get when you’re staring at the ocean and the sand is in your toes and you are keenly aware of how small yet important you are? That’s what the Faithful Project was like. It reminded me that there’s no such thing as a small life because every person has a bespoke part to play in God’s story. It also reminded me that I am just one person out of seven billion people on our tiny planet, and there’s no reason to get caught up in fruitless ego trips. We are always better together and we are designed to bring the Kingdom to earth in collaborative community.
PS: Remember Kendall? She ended up being one of my best friends. She was in my wedding. I hosted her baby shower. We talked on the phone just hours before she gave birth to her daughter, Lucy. She has been one of the most faithful friends I’ve ever had. Take it from me— don’t let your insecurity drive the ship. Don’t miss out on amazing community because you’re stuck in a pattern of competition. They might be your future best friends!
Savanah Locke is a Christian artist, songwriter and blogger. She wrote the chapter on Mary Magdalene in the Faithful book, available now. She is also a songwriter / guest on the Faithful: Go And Speak album that is out now. Be sure to check out the Faithful Project here!
Follow Savannah on Instagram @savannah_locke
Every Word Matters
My word right now is Warrior. Whenever I need to tap into my inner strength I focus on that word. Before warrior, it was faith. For a long time it was strength. Do you have a word?
The beauty of picking a word to focus on is that you can pick a new word whenever you need something new in your life. You’ll know when it’s time to pick a new word. I always find that toward the end of my time focused on the previous word, a new one starts popping up everywhere I look, as though my old word is pointing the way to the new. I’ll never be completely done with this process. Each season of my life brings new challenges, feelings, and circumstances that require a new version of me, and I find myself reaching for words I thought I’d retired. Heck, sometimes I even focus on more than one word at a time. I might need strength and faith to get through a difficult season. Or maybe I need love and create to get me out of a slump and onto something new.
When you feel ready to let your word go, you’ll know. Your word will have taught you everything you needed for this moment, and you’ll be ready to move on to something else. You’ll hear it and feel it woven into all the parts of your story, ready for you to draw on it again if you need it. You’ll feel excited about the challenge of a new word and all it could mean for your career, relationships, goals, and habits. When I pick a new word, I’m always ready to shout it out to the world. It always feels like a fresh start just brimming with possibility.
Here are some words. Take what you need.
Dream
Who we’ll be tomorrow is not defined by who we were yesterday. Each of us has the potential to grow and change all of the time. What takes us from where we are now to where we want to be are our dreams—for ourselves, for what we want, and for our dreams for the world around us.
Our ability to dream is what keeps us alive and growing, thriving and striving. Without dreaming, we’d all stay in the same place, just reacting to what life throws at us. Instead, we dream, and those dreams lead to plans, which lead to steps, which lead to action, which lead to change. When you choose dream as your word, you are choosing to cast a vision for your future. You are choosing to take a serious, honest dive into your heart, and then paint a picture for yourself of what you really want your life to look like. And if the life you’ve been living doesn’t look like the life you’ve been dreaming, you are choosing to do the work to chase those dreams until reality and your dreams align.
Inspire
What you say and do and share has the power to inspire, impact, and heal others’ hearts. When you choose inspire as your word, you are committing to get inspired and then to share your unique story and your thoughts to inspire others. Meditating on this word is about reminding yourself that you have love and wisdom to share with the people in your life, both the ones you see every day and the ones you might connect with via social media or other outlets all over the world. Think about how you feel when you connect with someone’s story and it leaves a tangible mark on your life. What if you could do the same for someone else? There is someone out there who needs to hear what you have to say, so let’s get inspired and start sharing!
If you don’t feel terribly inspired, then it can feel daunting to just up and go find inspiration. Don’t worry; choosing inspire as your word doesn’t mean you have to be 100 percent inspired all the time. There will be days when you are bursting with ideas and energy, and days when the only thing you feel inspired to do is pour yourself another cup of coffee. But even on your most blah days, there are things you can do to feel more motivated about this quest. The trick is to get into the habit of prioritizing these practices in your day-to-day routine so you spend more time inspired than not.
Create
Create is such a beautiful, freeing, colorful, juicy, fabulous, bold, exciting word! I can’t think of another word that is so filled with possibility. For me, it’s about being free. When I focus on create, I allow myself to meander and take my time, eyes opened wide to drink in the colors, sounds, and unique intricacies of my life. I look for what sets my soul ablaze with beauty, and let that guide me to dance, paint, sing, write, and generally pour myself into something special.
Even if you don’t feel like a traditionally creative person, you still have the power to create with your words, your body, and your actions. As you go through your days, you are radiating life and energy into the world that can create a powerful ripple effect. Only you can create that particular ripple. I have seen people benefit the most from focusing on create when they harness freedom and energy and use it to make some- thing new. That’s what create is all about—opening up your heart and then following where it leads. This is the word to pick if you are feeling stuck, down, or low on energy. This is the word that will shake you up and help you see the world around you differently.
Strength
Strength has always been The Giving Keys’ top-selling word. It’s so interesting because it shows that strength is what most people feel they need most. And I get it. I think most people feel weak and out of control in the face of the pain and hardships that inevitably come our way. We all hope that we have a well of strength deep enough to not only get us through hard times, but to also allow us to emerge triumphantly with our heads held high with resilient confidence. Choosing strength as your word can help you find and nurture your own strength and remind you that you are strong when you forget.
Remember, we need all of these words in different seasons of life. So if you are struggling to choose your next focus and nothing is jump- ing out at you, choose a word that feels like something you want more of in your life, or a word that reminds you of a quality you already have but may forget about sometimes, or even the word that seems like the most fun to you. There is no wrong answer here.
Adapted from Every Word Matters by Caitlin Crosby. Read the rest of her book here!
Caitlin is the founder of The Giving Keys, a jewelry company with the mission of helping its employees transition out of homelessness. She is the author of Every Word Matters and You Are the Key, and the co-host of the Real Good Company podcast. She was named among Oprah’s SuperSoul 100 list of visionaries in 2016 and featured on The Today Show, Cosmopolitan, Harper’s Bazaar and many other media outlets. Caitlin lives with her two children in LA, and you can connect with her on Instagram @caitlincrosby and www.thegivingkeys.com.
Your Worth is Not Determined by a Number
Thinking back to being an athlete, one may assume I would be filled with moments of joy and memories of winning and pure laughter shared with my teammates. Yes, I certainly did have these moments, however, my initial thoughts when associating myself with being an athlete, makes my spirit ache. It aches because it reminds me of the times when the enemy did everything to come after my confidence and lead me to believe my weight somehow determined my worth and purpose.
I remember this one specific morning, like it was yesterday, between high school and training for college. Our team showed up to practice at 5:30 a.m. to be weighed, while yes, this is a very normal concept for higher level sports, it unfortunately has become the determining factor of “worth and value” within the rowing atmosphere. For this sport, the lighter you are, the better because once you hit a weight over 130 pounds, you no longer were in a place to race and almost seen as purposeless. I remember this one Monday reallyyyyy clearly, I stepped on the scale and our coach looked at me saying, “you can’t race tomorrow because your weight is over.” I walked outside and now remember being fed a lie from the enemy, “I was unworthy of a place on this team because of my weight.” To be really honest, I believed that lie for years. It took until graduation from college for me to take a step back from the competitive atmosphere and surround myself with truth. The thought hit me, how often do we do this in culture?
You don’t even have to be a part of a competitive sport for the enemy to try to convince you of your lack of worth. Beauty and purpose aren’t determined by your outer appearance or a number. What about the likes on Instagram? Have you ever posted a photo on Instagram and received more likes than usual, allowing yourself to then classify yourself or photo as “worthy” or on the other hand, didn’t get as many likes? Isn’t it funny how when we get less likes than normal or don’t hit a certain number, the enemy has a funny and dark way of convincing us that we aren’t pretty enough, gifted enough or worthy enough of likes or worldly acceptance? To be very honest, for the longest time, whenever I heard or saw the word “beauty”, I instantly would think of an individual’s exterior appearance which pushed me to believe that my worth was somehow wrapped up in how I presented myself to the world. The more beautiful a thing or person was, the more they seemed to be “loved and accepted”. But if we look around, determines society’s definition of beauty? We turn to magazines, advertisements, TV shows, and social media posts. These platforms can feed us the image of flawless women with the “perfect wardrobe and dreamy lifestyle”. How often we believe that once we achieve that, we will THEN be seen as beautiful.
Why is that? Why are we so focused on outer beauty as a culture? We hardly ever take the time to look at our inner beauty, our talents, gifts and purpose. Psalm 139 tells us that the Lord “formed our inner beings and knitted us together in our mothers’ womb.” This is no secret! He loved us, called us His, called a good work within and wrote our life story before we were even born and fully developed into our physical bodies. This has nothing to do with our physical appearance.
In fact, that same chapter says that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” Oftentimes, we like to apply this to physical beauty, but it turns out that when translated in the Hebrew context fearfully means “with heart-felt interest and reverence,” and wonderfully means “to be set apart”. So, what this verse really tells us is that God made each one of us with deep intention, to be set apart to complete a good work only YOU can complete. The point of our existence isn’t to be liked, either by the world or a little button on Instagram nor to look a certain way or live a certain way chasing numbers. Why do you think it’s called Insta-gram? It gives you an instant gram, each “like” can be thought of as a hit of the comparison drug, as I call it. The more we scroll and like, the more we get addicted and keep coming back for more, only lowing our self-esteem each time we double tap. And just as physical beauty isn’t the focus of Psalm 139 neither should Instagram be in our lives. You’re already beautiful, you don’t need a large number of likes from people you don’t know to confirm that. I definitely have fallen short and found myself captured by this imitation of beauty. This image and promise of being or feeling beautiful has also been whispered to girls and women all over the world. The promises of the beauty industry have led us to chase a false type of beauty that leaves us feeling degraded and less than enough.
Can we stand against that? To fully stand up to these false images and speak true beauty over our lives?
TRUE BEAUTY IS… knowing from where your worth comes. Knowing we are made, known, and loved by our Maker. It’s believing you were called to live a life of love and holiness. The result? We achieve beauty. True beauty will point us back to the original source – our Creator – and lead to the development of a beautiful heart and soul.
With this said, I want to be very sensitive toward the real struggles with self-esteem and body image, I have been there too, and you aren’t alone. However, despite the standards that society has set for us, God is still and always will be the greatest artist and sculptor. When He made our physical bodies, His work was detailed and intentionally crafted for a good thing within because when He was done, He called it very good. I am also not saying that we shouldn’t take care of our physical bodies because we have been given the gift to move and function with such purpose, but so often we get caught in the trap of comparison about our outward appearance or on a number vs someone else’s. We forget our true reason and purpose for existence – to partner with God to bring Heaven down to earth, to the hands and feet of Jesus, to share the good news.
I’ll ask you the same question God whispered to me last year? “If you try to be like them and they try to be like someone else and so on, guess how many gaps you are leaving in My plan and purpose for creation?”
So, if you walk away from this post with only one thing, I pray you believe that your purpose isn’t based on your appearance or number, but rather that you believe you are worthy of every wonder and blessing you have been provided because you were BORN ENOUGH, ARE ENOUGH AND ALWAYS WILL BE ENOUGH! xx
“Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees; man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7
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I’m not good at praying out loud.
I’ve never lifted my hands in worship at church.
I don’t know how to correctly use the word “abundant” in a Godly sentence.
I have a hard time remembering everything Moses did, or Joseph did, or even Jesus did.
I’ve never spoken in tongues.
I’ve never healed anyone.
I’ve never baptized anyone.
When Live Original asked me to be an ambassador for the LO sister app, I’ll be honest, I felt completely inadequate.
(I realize you may be thinking the same thing after reading that list above, ha!)
But seriously, do you ever feel this way, too? Like you love Jesus, you truly do; you hunger to know more of God; you lean on the holy spirit to guide your ways… but you see people who are more “Jesus-y” than you, and you feel like you will never attain that.
I went to Louisiana last December for a Live Original retreat. I remember hopping in the van at the airport with a bunch of other girls, and thinking, “How long until they figure me out? How long until they realize that I’m not as godly as them; that I’m a mediocre Christian, and so not worthy of being on this trip.”
On night one, we were all sitting around a campfire and a girl (that I greatly look up to spiritually) pulled me aside to tell me that something I previously said completely convicted her and pushed her closer to Jesus. It stopped me in my tracks, as I thought, wait, did God actually use this mediocre Christian to impact someone more godly than me? I realize now that that question in and of itself is full of false beliefs about God’s heart and Christianity.
Over that Louisiana weekend, God revealed to me four lies that Satan has had me (and maybe you?) believing about salvation.
Lie #1: God likes her more than me.
We’ve all thought this.
That girl in small group who’s super good at praying out loud (how does she remember everyone’s request?!), the friend who has never made a mistake, the woman who can recite scripture cover to cover — doesn’t God find more favor with them?
But Scripture says in Romans 3, “None is righteous, no, not one. … For ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”
We have to stop comparing ourselves to other sinners, when the only standard is Jesus. He is our example of obedience, humility, prayer life and victory over temptation. Other people’s outward godliness is not our measuring stick for godliness. When I stop comparing my holiness to others, and start measuring myself against Jesus, I realize that saying I’m “mediocre” is actually giving myself too much credit.
Do some people know God and His Word better than others? Yes.
Do some obey more? Yes.
Do some have greater faith? Yes.
God gives His people different spiritual gifts to glorify Him and edify the body of Christ. But please believe that there are no levels to Christianity. There’s no destination or finish line on this side of heaven that we can reach and say “ah we’ve made it!” Sister, we’ll never reach it. The girl you think is more godly than you, she’ll never reach it either.
Lie #2: You’ve gotta earn your spot.
I used to say before I got married, that my purity was my most prized possession. I held onto it tightly because I genuinely wanted to honor God. But if I’m being honest, I think it made me feel like I was earning my spot in heaven, too.
Don’t get me wrong, sexual purity absolutely pleases the Lord, but it doesn’t save you.
I can try all day to be more “Jesus-y”. I can wake up early before my kids and read the Bible, I can blast worship music in the car, I can sit front row at church every Sunday, I can even be a LO ambassador… but the Bible is clear that “all of our righteous acts are like filthy rags” to Jesus. (Isaiah 64:6) Nothing we manufacture or manifest secures our salvation.
Authentic faith comes from a heart transformed by the Word and a life lived by the Spirit. Evidence of this will surely show up in our works, but only as an outpouring of our hearts. To think we could earn God’s stamp of approval based on anything we muster up, ignores the purpose of the cross. “If righteousness could be gained through the law (aka obeying the rules), Christ died for nothing!” (Galatians 2:21).
There will be people you may think have earned their spot – maybe preachers who have baptized thousands, christian influencers with millions of followers on instagram, or singers who have #1 hits on christian radio — who Jesus will say “I never knew you!” (Matt. 7)
“For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.” (Ephesians 2: 8-9)
Lie #3: God calls the equipped.
I know you’ve heard this before, but maybe you’re like me and need a reminder often: God doesn’t call the equipped he equips the called. God‘s very own chosen 12 were average Joes like you and me. John, Peter, Andrew and James were fishermen before they were disciples. Matthew was a tax collector.
Even Moses questioned God’s calling on his life in Exodus, saying to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?” But listen to how God answers Moses, “God said, “I will be with you.”
Whatever God has called you to, it is for a divine purpose. God tells us to not fear, for He is with us. He is our God! He promises that He will strengthen us and help us. He is our confidence!
“May the God of peace equip you with every good thing to do His will. And may He accomplish in us what is pleasing in His sight through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen.” (Hebrews 13)
Lie #4: I need to have all the answers to share Jesus.
A couple years ago I was meeting a friend for lunch in San Francisco, who happens to be atheist. A decade of friendship and we’d never really gotten deep about religion before. She was starting her photography business, so I sent her a Jenna Kutcher podcast (famous photographer/business woman) to listen to on her drive into the city.
When she got to the restaurant, the first thing she said was, “Who is Korie Robertson and Jamie Ivey? And why did you have me listen to that podcast?”
Whoops. She clicked on the wrong episode, and listened to the whole thing.
Accident? God knows no such thing.
She spent the entire lunch, and multiple hour long phone conversations later, asking tough questions about God. I wish I could say God used the mistaken podcast, and me as a vessel, to save her eternal life… but He didn’t (YET!)
What God did do is convict me in my self-centeredness for not sharing the gospel with her all the years I could have. I thought I needed more answers first. I told myself, “Once I know a few more Bible stories, or can answer the question ‘why do bad things happen to good people’, THEN I’ll share Jesus with her.”
I was too focused on ME.
We don’t need all of the answers to share the gospel, we just need one answer, and it’s JESUS.
“Do not be anxious beforehand what you are to say, but say whatever is given to you in that hour, for it is not you who speaks, but the Holy Spirit.” Mark 13:11
At the same time, God used my friend’s questioning to give me a deeper desire to know Him and His word better, so that I would “be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give a reason for the hope that is in you.” 1 Peter 3:15
When I started my ambassadorship with Live Original, I was afraid that God couldn’t use me to influence others. But now I realize that through this entire experience, I am the one God wanted to influence. MY heart was the one that needed work.
I came home from our camp out in Louisiana a completely changed person, with a renewed mind and transformed heart for Christ. A few weeks ago, my husband, Griffen, told me that HE felt like HE was a changed person ever since I went to Louisiana. Dang, God is good!
Satan wants us to feel inadequate. And the truth is, WE ARE. John 15:5 is my favorite Bible verse, and it says that “apart from Me you can do nothing.” When we finally let go of these four lies, and the false belief that there is some gold standard of a Christian that humans can and should achieve, we allow God to do His work in us. Sister, don’t fall for the lies. Keep your eyes on Jesus.
Madison is a 6’ 2” mama of three littles (4, 2 & newborn!), living in Bloomington, IN with her college sweetheart hubby, Griffen. When she is not working full-time for a leading tech company – she is baking her signature chocolate chip cookies and getting real with teenagers in her living room. Madison is a tall girl with a tall dream to make a difference for the Kingdom through the lives of young women. Madison is also an ambassador on the LO sister app!
Follow Madison on Insta @themidwestskinny