In the Mess I Was Found
Have you ever seen a kid with a paintbrush in hand, creating and playing? It can be straight-up messy. A toddler at dinner; eating spaghetti or outside in the dirt and grass at play. Full of laughter and play, and yet a beautiful mess.
Growing up, I disliked being outside, still do. I’d much rather blame it on South Georgia humidity and a neverending swarm of gnats, but It was much more to it than I’d like to admit at the time. Eventually, I hate to make mistakes, in art class, drilling myself to stay inside the lines, in cheer practice to nail the perfect routine, pressure me to mix the perfect shades of color, and the list continues. The truth is I’m not a fan of getting messy and dirty.
I was weighed down with the weight of perfection, hoping for some satisfaction. I wanted to arrive, not sure where to be exact, but I dreamed of a place where I could be free, free to be, free to play, laugh, and be.
My childhood was not like that; the enemy came and took everything I could desire. Truly I began to water the lie that I would drown in my mess if I ever opened up or looked at it. Silent and Afraid. I gathered myself and put it on a shelf, never thought to look, feel, nor ask. The mess was still there, just not in sight. I beautifully wrapped it in striving and performance until a roadblock pierced its way down my road.
As a former phase 1 student of the 18 Inch Journey, we were invited into a rhythm of stewarding the land we called home for that season, which included a couple of hours a week in the garden. I don’t enjoy being outside, let alone putting my hands in the dirt. In his generosity, the Holy Spirit wanted me to face the mess that was always there. This time not alone, but with him.
The gift of gardening is caring for the soil and the well-being of the garden and its harvests. It was and still is an accurate depiction of our hearts and how we must care for them daily.
I was standing in the deep woods of North Carolina, staring at the dirt. My immediate instinct was to retreat and flee, fearful that the Lord would shout and scream at how much of a failure I had been, but it was the absolute opposite.
He arrived with splendor and a joyous smile. He was ready to dive in and asked, “What if what you long for is found in a mess?” So the Lord and I gathered our shovels and got to work.
“And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.” (Isaiah 58:11 ESV)
We pulled up weeds that were robbing the life from my fruit, chopped down branches that were blocking the sun, and cleared away debris that was cluttering my heart. My heart’s soil was becoming soft to receive. Wave after wave of his kindness washed over my heart, his devotion piercing the accuser’s lies to the position wherein my heart began to believe the truth.
GET IN THE DIRT and allow the Lord to take control; Even if it takes you time to finish.
My mess reveals the lies I believe to be true about God, myself, and those around me. Mess that saw God more as a dictator than a father, Lies that believe I was not good enough, that fuels perfection in my life, I am still in the process of healing.
In crucial moments where I want to quit and give up, I continue to find what I always long for; Freedom. Freedom to play, make mistakes, freedom to dream, and freedom to be. I met the fierce shepherd who goes to battle for you and me. The shepherd who does not sit on the sidelines but who is in a mess with us. I am still coming to know this fierce shepherd, learning new ways of doing things. To step into this freedom daily requires me not to be afraid of the mess. It is hard to take that leap. The father waits patiently, even when it may take days when I wrestle with perfection; God woos me in every time and gives me the courage to get messy again and again.
“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters; he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. (Psalm 23:1-4 NIV)
We are dirty sheep who need a Shepherd who cleans us daily. Sheep have a coating of oil called Lanolin; this oil covers the sheep wool to withstand certain climates, but the oil can harbor all things we don’t like, such as grass, dirt, dust, and bugs. Sheep are not like most animals who can clean themselves; the sheep would continue to sit in filth until someone cleans them.
That is a beautiful picture of our walk with Christ. If you feel like your past is too stained, or you are too dirty for God to save, I am here to tell you, God has promised to cleanse us, making us new, white as snow. We obtain this not in our efforts but because he first loved us.
“For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love, he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace.” (Ephesians 1:4 -7 NIV)
Maybe today, you are seeking to be loved without conditions. To be fully known, fought for, and forgiven to know that your life has meaning and purpose that births nearness with Jesus. Where you no longer hide or self protect Where you come to Jesus in your most authentic self. What if the unraveling is worth it?
The unraveling is messy, pressing, yet beautiful.
My question is, “What if what you’ve always longed for is found and received in a joyful mess?”
It is in the undoing that we become.
Become more like Jesus, walking into what he calls us each to do in our uniqueness, being a light in the darkness, and proclaim his glory throughout the earth.
“Lord, in my place of weakness and need, I ask again: Will you come and help me? I know I’m always in your thoughts. You are my faithful Savior and hero, so don’t delay to deliver me now, for you are my God.” (Psalms 40:17 TPT)
My encouragement to you is to ask the Lord for help. I am learning that asking for help is the most powerful and life-changing thing I could ever ask.
“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” (Psalm 46:1 NIV)
My prayer is that this post is an invitation for each of you to come to know the fierce and gentle shepherd that Jesus is. That as you continue to read, hear, and believe in the truth, that its arrows pierce the lies that have kept your mind and heart captive. I pray for freedom over your life and in areas where you may believe the Lord is uninterested. I pray that these are not just beautiful words; I pray that this becomes your reality. In Jesus Name. Amen.
Victoria Dynasty James is a friend of God. You can always find her giving encouraging words on Instagram @victoria.dynasty and in person. Her prayer is that others will come to know the value of friendship with Jesus.
Is your heart sound asleep or awakened? To be awake is for one to rouse from sleep. When awakened, you began to open your eyes and see. You can see it in the sunrise and sunset, a sprout of a tiny plant, or even a child’s first smile. For some, we had experienced an awakening when we first gave our lives to Christ when one decides to walk in total surrender. We began to pick up our cross with so much zeal and passion. We no longer wanted to live our lives in our hands. I, too, experienced my first awakening. When I decided to turn to Jesus, I first heard Lauren Daigle singing How Can it Be, the lyrics of the song completely undid me. Before my life was full of sadness and pain, I wanted something different and everlasting.
I remember saying to myself, and I too want to experience God in that way, ways I haven’t before. At that moment, at a conference of 2,000 people, a boldness started to rise within me. I believe that was me waking up, waking up out of my slumber into living, living a life that is pleasing to the Lord and not for myself. It is one thing to sing a great song, but to live it was different.
I was excited for this new chapter in life, a life that has been awakened to see and experience a living God. I began to read scripture and ask the Lord to show me who He is in my life, and I wanted to see Jesus who is near the brokenhearted, Holy Spirit swallowing up my loneliness, and God, the father, parenting his children, you and me.
On this Journey, my zeal and passion began to subside, my relationship with God became very passive. I began to strive for his love through performance and passivity. I was still carrying the heavyweights that entangled me. I thought that I was exempt from trials and pain because I was a Christian, but The Lord never promised that to me. He promised me a life that will face trouble and take heart because he has overcome it all. (John 16:33) I believed there was much more to God than what I was experiencing. I didn’t know how to get out of my slumber. I had deep wounds that were unspoken, stuck in a house in the lowest valley.
Wherever you are, maybe you are there right now.
This writing below is my testimony of the Lord came running down my prodigal road to awakening, my soul. This testimony is the meaning behind my painting “The Awakening” I created at my 18 Inch Journey. The 18 Inch Journey is a discipleship school lead by Jonathon and Melissa Helser and the Cageless Birds. The Journey is devoted to focusing on learning how to take care of your heart, practice honesty and vulnerability with Jesus, and experiencing the Holy Spirit in your daily life. I believe he can awake your soul to sing and believe again.
This writing is my personal experience of the hope the Lord brought to me.
My eyes shut tight. I was fast asleep
I Inhale and exhale
Suddenly the painter comes rushing in, urging me to wake up.
“Victoria, Victoria, WAKE UP, Victoria, can you hear me? This message is vital,” the painter shouted.
It felt like my eyes would not open.
With much effort and strength, I could only open my right eye.
Just enough to see the painter and the painting.
“Why the urgency?” I asked
He quickly paints AWAKEN in big letters covering the entirety of the wall.
Then the painter rushes out of the room.
There I was alone, trying to comprehend what happened, but because I was working out of my strength, it withered away, and I fell back asleep.
To AWAKEN, it is for one to rouse from sleep.
Walking into our final weeks of creating a painting to reflect our time during discipleship school, I was nervous; I wanted to paint something that captures the essence of my time on the land, so I decided to paint a self-portrait.
Painting a self-portrait meant I had to look at what I became. I was dull with hopelessness scramming for security, love, and guidance all on my own.
Before coming to the 18 Inch journey, I was without color, fading into the mundane life without eyes to see who God was and who I was becoming. As the mundane continued, I slipped into the cracks of the day-to-day, allowing the things around me to define me, losing more of who I indeed was, but while I was asleep, the Lord was transforming me.
Stepping foot on the farm, the Lord started to pull back the scales that were on my eyes. Scales shaped my eyes to see God more as a dictator than a friend and myself as a slave than a daughter.
He continued one by one pulling back the lies so that I could see. As he spoke words of adoration and belonging, my face began to fill with color. Color that brought the reality of my birthright. Shades of red and brown that brought life to my body and healing to my soul. The movement of color represents God, my father breathing breath back into me.
Now I can truly see the process of becoming and learning my destiny is not what I do. It is who I am. This reality allows me to walk into Victoria, who is already loved without conditions, known from the beginning, accepted without limitations, and already chosen.
Suddenly I took a step back to reflect then I realized it was God painting me all along. I am no longer sleeping, and this is my awakening.
End of Testimonial.
I am continually awakening to the beautiful colors of sanctification, the grace of God changing me to be more like Jesus. The father is still not finished with his paint strokes on his paintbrush on my life. I trust Him to challenge, mold, and love me into beautiful artwork to shine his Glory and goodness the rest of my life.
Here are three ways to continue the process of awakening
Before learning that my honesty is what the Lord truly desires, I hesitated to be honest with him in my prayers. I believed that my self-protection was honesty, but it was not. The truth is, I was building a wall between God and me. To recognize the power of openness is to have a conversation with God dealing with our emotions and confessing our sins before him. There is so much freedom in knowing God already knows everything. Why not bring it into the light. A little reminder to remember is that truth and Love can never be separated.
I was not aware of my access to the Holy Spirit; I believe it was only for certain people. How could a promise of God become so taboo to my life or even ceasing before experiencing it? I lived in denial, telling myself I believe in good things about Him and not acknowledging the negative roots I thought.
Some advice I received at my 18 Inch journey that I believe would help is: When we look back on our past, we tend to be very hard on ourselves regarding our redemption and healing. Building a healthy root system takes simplistic repentance of those negative beliefs and listening to God’s truth. In reality, when we build with the Holy Spirit, we can look back and forward, creating space for growth and restoration. Experiencing the value of walking with the Holy Spirit is to know him as a Friend believing you have a helper at every moment in your life. Every high and low, you are not alone.
We overcome the enemy by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. Have you stopped telling yourself your story? I am learning when I can not see, and I am anxious if the Lord will come through for me; I paused and began to remind myself of what he did for me in the past and believe he will do it again. If he said it, we must believe it. I encourage you to begin to sing and rehearse the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord. I challenge you to sing your redemption story over yourself throughout each day.
Praise comes from our admiration of God. I was in a place of darkness when I recognize that praise was my weapon, a stance of stillness, and a melody that nurtured my heart. So let His praise rise, no longer holding it in. May this blog begin to fill your life with color to breathe and live again, in the bright colors of sunshine pushing out the darkness. I believe he can awake your soul to sing and believe again.
The earth is ready to hear your melody, SING.
In addition, you can find this painting on the newly released single called Color, written by artist Kristen M. Hicks. Her prayer is that when you listen to this song, you encounter his heart for you and those around you, standing firm in the truth of his Love. All proceeds will be donated to the One Race Atlanta Movement.
Check out the 18-inch journey website here!
Listen to the song Color here!
Victoria Dynasty James is a friend of God. You can always find her giving encouraging words on Instagram @victoria.dynasty and in person. Her prayer is that others will come to know the value of friendship with Jesus.