Hey, my name is Tay Ruth. I am from the metro Washington DC area. I’m married to my high school sweetheart who is about to be an ICU Nurse, beginning in March.

Let me paint you a picture since we can’t meet in person: I am a 5’2, curly-haired, messy,  joy-filled, goofy girl with a whole lot of love for her cat (My pride and joy: Roy G. Biv). I’ve started to gain a reputation for my “15 second skits” on my Instagram stories. I dress up as characters like Gru from Despicable Me, Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Carribean, and Lucy from I Love Lucy. This is a PASSION of mine. I’m convinced I am Gru when I make these Instagram stories. Had I chosen another career, I would’ve been an Oscar-winning actress for silent films.

While there is so much about my life that is fun, beautiful, hilarious, and happy…I’m also someone who has been marked by suffering, grief, PTSD, anxiety and depression.

I was in a car accident several years ago, with my now husband, because of someone who we believe was texting and driving. I was physically injured that day and I’ve gone through several years of therapy, long doctor appointments, and battling my thoughts.

One of my favorite ways to process, and something that has been my avenue to healing, has been writing to the Lord. Writing has been a sacred place for me to hold both this joy and pain together.

Due to the events in our life, we entered into a legal case. It’s been over for a full year but the case took several years to be settled. This process only added to my already injured heart, mind and body. However, it also taught me greater lessons than I ever thought I’d gain at the young age of twenty-four. I want to share one of those lessons with you.

During the legal case, the attorney asked for any of my journal entries from around the date of the accident and I accidentally airdropped my entire journal that I kept on my phone. My sacred writing, meant for only the Lord and myself. At this point it was in the hands of the attorneys and used as evidence for my case. As you could probably imagine if your private journals were printed for people to read…I was mortified, embarrassed and felt stripped bare in front of not only my own attorney, but my family and the other side’s three attorneys. My words were not only used as a witness, but they were also used against me. The words I wrote in the privacy of my own prayers were flipped through, highlighted and marked up to be questioned for this case.

My one love, and favorite avenue to healing my wounds from this accident, was now taken from me.

I had not asked God for anything during this season, except for my healing. I didn’t pray in detail. I didn’t even know how to read the word of God without somehow reading it out of context and through the prism of what I was going through. My prayers were full of my desires of personal healing and less about understanding who God is: the Healer and the Father. I sought after prayers that would bring more understanding of my own heart, than the heart of God.

It wasn’t until “my book” (the name the attorneys gave my airdropped journals) was printed out in the hands of these three Goliaths that I realized the power of the word of God. Recognizing what it felt like to be stripped bare, accused, questioned on what is true, and more. I am thankful that in that moment God gave me the tiniest view of what it was like for Jesus in the court before he carried the cross. That’s a lesson to share and dive into at another time.

After that I went through a season where I needed to rebuild my prayers. My prayers weren’t bad. They weren’t falling on closed ears to be ignored by God, and they also weren’t necessarily wrong. But I remember going to speak to a Pastor at my church. I cried and told him my journals were read by the attorneys and how desperate I wanted this case to end. He listened to me and then responded, “Sounds like David is your guy. Maybe you should read Psalms again to see how David orders his prayers since so many of us have read his journals.”  It clicked for me. David, the author of Psalms, felt like a close friend who I could relate to a little bit.

It was at this time that I went and read the entirety of Psalms to understand this man, whose journal has been read by far more people than I could fathom. David’s words to the Lord were now the very guide I needed.

David wrote:

“Give ears to my words, O Lord; consider my groaning.” (Psalm 5)
“How long, O Lord?,” (Psalm 13)
“I love you, O Lord, my strength,” (Psalm 18)
“My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” (Psalm 22)
“Have mercy upon me.” (Psalm 86)
“Hear my prayer, O LORD, let my cry come to you!” (Psalm 102)
“Praise the Lord! Praise the name of the Lord,” (Psalm 135)

I started to write letters to God and burn them so that it would be sacred between us. I was left with silent prayers that only could be heard in my mind, but not recorded for my memory. I wrote prayers of righteous anger, “God, are you as angry as I am that our privacy is infringed upon? Heal and restore my passion and love for writing to you.” And I lit it on fire. I wanted it to be held between the two of us.

David wrote in great detail, his heart to the Lord. He didn’t write and burn it in fear we would read it. He didn’t withhold his prayers. He would address God and praise God, he would ask God and thank God.

After reading through how David ordered his prayers I knew it was time to rebuild mine.

I started off with going to the Lord on my knees and humbling myself before Him and saying, “Lord have mercy and grace upon my heart.” I went through a time of worship saying there’s nothing else I want, but to be in His presence and to know who He is.

Today when I pray, I rebuild my prayer’s like David’s. I want to come to Jesus with a humbled heart. I want to ask God for His will to be done, but I also want to partner with Him in faith and action. I am in deep gratitude to the Lord for giving me tiny glimpses of who He is and who He has always been. Allowing myself to present my weakness, sin, pain, gratitude, joy, and healing all to the One who created me and to whom I say, “I love you, O Lord, my strength.”

Live Original asked me a week ago to write on the subject “rebuild.” I had no idea that this week of January 11th as I’m writing this…somehow my entire blog, full of my writings that I’ve worked on for the last three years, would be terminated / deleted. I spoke with several professionals with my hosting site, and they assured me it was gone forever. And here I am again with deep pain associated with my writings to the Lord. But when I went back to see the subject for this blog, I saw “rebuild” and I already know that this was an answer to a past prayer I wrote to the Lord that I ended up burning in my hands to keep sacred. He heard my words. I am rebuilding and healing my pain from writing.

And after 3 days, on January 14th my entire blog and website was restored with all of my writing that was “terminated.” God knew that the prayer I wrote and burned three years ago would be answered by stripping my writing for 3 days, and instead of that breaking me or taking offense, I was thankful. How will you rebuild your prayers?