Finding Good Mom Friends Is Hard
We’re Not Supposed to Have Twenty “Besties”
The truth is, with the demands of household and children and husbands, we’re unlikely to have the margin to maintain more than one or two of these truly close-knit relationships at a time, so carrying an expectation of deep connection for every friendship just isn’t realistic. My other “bosom friend” is the illustrator of this book, Lindsay Long, whom I’ve mentioned already (and whom I wrote about in more detail in the last chapter of M Is for Mama). Beyond that, I have my mom, my lovely sister-in-law, Hannah, and about a dozen other women I consider myself privileged to call close friends—Christlike, hardworking, joyful, inspiring, truth-loving mamas who are so faithful to “stir up one another to love and good works” (Hebrews 10:24).
For years, I didn’t have those kinds of relationships, and now having such a deep pool of mama friends (of all ages) who love Jesus and others well is such a joy. But in most cases, I have to be content to enjoy their company periodically because none of us has the time to pursue anything further. Even for Jesus, with His twelve apostles, the Bible only describes one as the disciple “whom Jesus loved” (John 13:23). In fact, in that same passage, Peter leans over and nudges this disciple (most believe this is John who wrote Revelation) into asking Jesus a question, presumably because Peter believed Jesus would prioritize the beloved disciple’s request. We don’t know much else about their relationship from Scripture, but the implication is that this disciple invested in Jesus and held His confidence in a way the others did not.
I can’t imagine what it would be like to be “besties” with God incarnate, but I am comforted that even Jesus had earthly limits to those who entered the inmost ring of His inner circle.
We Must Plant the Seed
Of course, this doesn’t mean that we don’t make efforts to include as many friends as possible in our sphere when the Lord drops opportunities for group gatherings in our laps. A few years ago, another mom from my homeschool co-op invited Della, Evy, and Nola to her house for a summer Bible study. It was only a few weeks long, but my girls enjoyed it so much that a tiny seed of an idea began to sprout in my mind. What if I were to invite certain capable moms to host a rotating schedule of get-togethers for our network of sweet daughter-friends? We could each choose the activity for our hosting day, provide a few snacks, and then sit and “visit” (as we Texans call it) while the girls chattered and played. The first two mamas I asked to cohost said yes, and, just like that, Grace Girls was born.
Little did I know that this simple idea would effortlessly blossom (truly, the easiest thing I have ever organized) into a full-fledged bimonthly meetup, complete with activities ranging from cake decorating and archery to shuffle dancing and scherenschnitte (a German cut-paper craft), and so much more. We now have up to fifteen moms who participate and as many as thirty girls—ages three through twenty—who attend. Most of the moms are at least a decade older than I am, but there are several who are younger as well, and the mix of ages, personalities, numbers of children, years of experience, and talents is my favorite!
Obviously, not every mom-friendship idea will work out as seamlessly as this one, but I do think this example illustrates something crucial to godly friendships: When God calls us to make the effort, we must obey. He alone can bring the harvest, but we must plant the seed.
Regardless of whether we achieve lifelong-friend status or simply enjoy friendship for a season, what should the guiding principles of godly mom friendships be? I asked Jennifer—whom so many call friend—for her best tips on the topic, and I’ve included them with mine (many of ours overlap), in no particular order, below:
- Pray: Lift your friends up to the Lord (even before you have them).
- Make the first move: Be willing to initiate (even after being rejected in the past).
- Be hospitable: Open your home to others, whether you live in a mud hut or a mansion.
- Skip comparison: With every mom you meet, there will always be something to make
you feel “less than” or “more than,” so don’t even go there. It’s not a competition. - Open your heart to service: Be willing to give and receive help.
- Be honest: If you see a friend in error, or she approaches you for good advice, offer gentle correction in kindness and truth. (And be willing to accept the same from others!)
- Be generous: Share your friends and introduce them to one another; don’t be
smothering or possessive. - Pursue genuine connection: We won’t be bosom buddies with everyone, and that’s
fine. Some connections are stronger than others. - Practice humility: Steer clear of envy and cheer your friends on when they succeed.
- Never gossip: Nothing kills a friendship more quickly than passing around “juicy
morsels” behind someone’s back. - Do it distracted: If we wait for the perfect time to get together, we may wait forever.
Pursue the friendship, even if kids are underfoot and it’s hard to finish a sentence. - Ditch toxicity: There’s a place for acknowledging the hard and seeking help and
encouragement. But there is no place for “husband bashing” or griping about our kids.
Flipping the Narrative for Good
Although I could add any number of things (Be considerate of different parenting styles! Don’t forget about single moms! Be quick to overlook offense!), I want to address that last point specifically. We live in a culture that views mockery as an acceptable—celebrated, even!—form of social interaction. We scoff at the food other people eat, the clothes they wear, the number of children they have, the music they listen to. The list is endless, and sadly, this sneering attitude has slithered its way into even Christian homes and curled up right next to those we love most. If we, as followers of Jesus, desire to flip the narrative around husbands who are described as “another child” or kids who are “so annoying” (at best), we must be willing to draw a line in the sand with our girlfriends.
