abba,

It’s as if everything began to build at a more rapid pace than usual. You know, that building of a culmination of emotion, random events and overwhelming moments that bring you to a place of wanting to break down and just press the restart button. I’ve had many seasons in life like that, where the Lord is bringing things to the surface, and He does it by allowing me to come to a place of surrender because I just couldn’t seem to get it the first time. But it has been some time now since I gave my life to the Lord and something about this was different. Heavier. Faster. Like a massive wave that was swelling more quickly than I could get on my board to ride away on and I knew, I’m about to get pummeled.

He was doing something in me and all I could do was face it. I knew better than to run. I found myself sitting in my living room after another moment of being overwhelmed and feeling as if I had failed yet once again…que the cycle of me beating myself up again. I just can’t seem to get it together. One lash. My laundry is never finished. Another lash. My house isn’t perfect. Another lash. I didn’t finish this project. One more lash. I just sobbed.

I could see Him now. Abba Father, sitting far off in the sky of heaven, watching me with disappointment. Wishing I would get it together so He could take me into that mythical season of milk and honey. Holding His list of things I didn’t accomplish and therefore having to withhold freedom, blessing, anointing and influence. Angry that I just can’t give Him my all the way the elite Christians do. Whatever that means. I continued to sob.

I finally just said out loud, “I don’t want to deal with this anymore. Please, remove this, I can’t live like this anymore”. All of the sudden, a massive presence entered the room and immediately, I knew it was Father God. It was distinctly different from any other encounter I’ve ever had. It was the Father Himself. His love swelled in the room and felt like every wall was being touched by this presence filling the space. My internal knees buckled and I wept from a depth I did not know was inside me. As I closed my eyes, I felt Him take my face in His hands, and with more kindness then I’ve ever felt in my life, He began to speak words of love with a tone of peace and gentleness. My fear filled heart was immediately exposed, and I began to say how sorry I was for allowing myself to be guided by such lies. He quickly yet gently told me to stop, and that it was in the past. He wasn’t even thinking about my mess-ups. He then took my hands and feet, and washed them clean. I felt all striving, all anxiety, all worry, simply wash away, as the selflessness of my Father was revealed to me. He has no need to hold onto my past or my failures – as if He needed to make me pay for them one day when I mess up again, because that would imply that He needed something to control me with. No. In that moment as He washed my feet, I saw how selfless He was.

He needs not to hold onto anything of my past, because His love is so powerful that it makes even me forget my past as it melts away in His kindness. He began to speak to me about how I am “His girl”, and how He created the nature that one feels to protect those they love – because His protectiveness towards me and all His children, is fiercer than we could ever imagine. He explained to me how vital it is that all I am to do is to abide in Him. To stay right in this place, where nothing else matters but abiding in His presence. I asked Him, “Are you always this kind?” “Yes, I am”. “Are you always here like this?” “Yes. Always. I am always here.

 But just because you can’t always see me, doesn’t mean I’m not here. I am like a lion, circling His child on constant watch. Sometimes I am circling in front of you in a position that you see me. And sometimes I am circling behind, with a perspective you don’t have. Just because you can’t see me, does not mean I am not there. I never leave you. No matter what, I will always love you. You’re my girl, daughter.”

Maybe you see Father God the way that I did, and you find yourself in a position of striving, stress and being overwhelmed easily. Let me tell you, sister…you don’t have to live this way. All you have to do is call out to your Father, and He will be there. Ready to love you the way your heart has been longing for. His love washes away the internal dirt and grime of stress, and brings the resolve, order and contentment you thirst for. He is good, kind and more loving than you know. Call out to him. I promise, He’s right there patiently waiting for you to listen to His words of love He so desperately wants to speak to you.