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Take Up Your Cross

Take Up Your Cross

Wow. What a year 2019 has been, and it’s not even over yet. With two months left in the year, I can’t help but anxiously wait to see what the Lord has in store for the remainder of it. Yet, with all that 2019 has brought me to and through, my heart still gravitates to a moment of deep loss in my life.

It’s no secret to anyone, if you know the sports world, and soccer specifically, that two years ago I made a decision that many supported while others neither supported nor understood. No matter how many times I have tried to explain my decision, both to the public and to some of my closest family and friends, I still feel misunderstood. Misrepresented. And frankly, alone.

In June of 2017, I was selected to represent the USA in Sweden in two international friendly games. News had come out about some new jerseys that the team would be wearing for those games, and after days of prayer and seeking the Lord, and as graciously as I knew how, I had conversations with the coach and media manager that I wouldn’t be able to wear the jersey. Due to my inability to wear the uniform, I was left off the team, and my name has now received, not to my delight, national attention as a result.

Not many can relate to the public scrutiny that comes with making a very public decision. Even when you know it’s from the Lord, even when you know in the deepest part of your soul it was what the Lord was leading you to do, even when the stakes are high and the inevitable outcome is entirely opposite of what you thought the opportunity would bring, it is hard.

I have wrestled with my decision every day. Every game day when I am booed on the field. Every interview that inevitably asks me if I still have hope that the national team will come calling again. Every time a friend or teammate or loved one wonders out loud, “Couldn’t you have just worn the jersey and got on with it?”

Yet, it is in these moments that I am constantly led back to a place of surrendering my hopes and dreams to the Lord, knowing that He is fully in control.

Decisions asked of us as we walk our days out on earth will not always be easy to make. On one occasion, Jesus tells a crowd of people in the book of Luke:

“If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross daily, and follow me” (Luke 9:23).

When we are asked to take up our cross for Jesus, we must understand three things.

One, taking up your cross is not a walk in the park. Crosses used in the days of Jesus weighed 300 pounds. The crossbeam, that was usually carried by the convicted prisoner, weighed around 100 pounds. Picking up your cross means carrying the weight of the scrutiny, mockery, slander, and hardship that comes with following someone that many don’t believe was more than a mere prophet or teacher.

Second, the act of taking up your cross was meant to be a public spectacle. It was meant to make the condemned feel as alone and vulnerable and shameful as possible. Jesus was completely innocent, but was made to feel as if He had done everything wrong. The scriptures tell us that He endured a cross He did not deserve.

“When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23).

As many believers today around the world, and even in our own backyards, live out their faith with boldness and courage, they are made to feel guilty and shameful. And not in a secret way. Not behind closed doors. But for the world to see. For the world to rush to judgment and slander and even abuse because of their sold out desire to follow after Christ. All the while, many of them will never retaliate. Never make threats in return. But they will simply entrust their souls to the One who holds them.

Third, and most importantly, taking up your cross is a beautiful act of surrender that results in the never ending reward of spending eternity with Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. We know the end of the story. Jesus was crucified, yet He rose again in three days. He conquered sin and death. He conquered pain. He conquered suffering and hardship. It is because of this that we can take joy in knowing that while we climb our hills of pain and suffering, with our crosses heavily pressing down on our backs, Jesus is at the end waiting for us. To welcome us into His outstretched arms and proclaim,

“Well done, my good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:21).

Many weeks ago I made a post on my social media that stated, “I can honestly say this has been the year I have truly seen the faithfulness of God in my life.” And I mean that. I have had many trials take place this year, and yet at every turn, the Lord proved faithful, even when He didn’t have to.

At the beginning of the year, I thought I was going to miss the start of the season. I was riddled with injuries throughout the offseason and truly felt this was going to be another year of missed training and games. However, the season came rolling around and by the end of the year, I didn’t miss a single minute. That is by God’s grace alone.

Last year I met a man, who is now my fiancé (holla!), but at the time, I wasn’t so sure of our relationship. I was filled with fear and doubt about stepping into something new with him after my last relationship of six years ended in pain and sorrow. Yet, by the Lord’s grace, my fiancé, Matthew, never gave up on me. He showed me a kind of love that only comes from a man who walks with His Creator every day and knows the love of His Father above. And even when I tried to run away and called off the engagement, he never left. He never gave up. And by the grace of God, I’m getting married to the most gentle, kind and loving man on February 1st. PRAISE GOD YA’LL! Haha

Halfway through the season, Satan tried to use my past to haunt me, again, as I was called out on social media for things I had never said. For words that were never uttered from my mouth. For feelings that I have never had about the national team. I was shook. I felt isolated. Vulnerable. Alone. Yet I knew the Lord was going to use it for His glory. I had so many people reach out to me, encouraging me to lean in to God. To trust in His goodness and sovereignty. To whole heartedly believe that I am not and never will be alone. The days, however long they may have felt, came and went and my team, the team that everyone thought couldn’t be unified because of me, went on to win the regular season and the tournament championship for the league. I truly believe the Lord allowed victory to take place in my life. To demonstrate His goodness in a way that many, from the outside looking in, couldn’t believe was possible.

I say all this to say there were moments in the course of this year, and even in past years, that “carrying my cross” felt impossible. And, it was—until I allowed Jesus to carry it for me.

That’s what He wants to do for each of His daughters. I pray that as you sit here reading this, whether you’re in a coffee shop in L.A or in your sweat pants lounging on the couch that you learn to take hold of this truth: Even though we are called to pick up our cross, we don’t have to be the ones to carry it. We are simply asked to realize the weightiness of what we are called to when we choose to follow Christ. And when we do, He offers us His yoke,

“For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:30).

May you always know that no matter the weight of your cross, or the size of your mountain, the God of the Universe is reaching out His hand to you. He’s asking you to cast your cross onto Him and simply walk with Him to the top. For at the top rests eternity and, my dear, eternity is the farthest thing from pain.

Jaelene Hinkle is a born and raised Colorado native, but currently residing in North Carolina. Apart from her career in soccer, she loves hanging with her fiancé Matthew (who she can’t wait to call her husband), friends and her dog Tucker. She’s also a massive food and coffee junkie! Her family is everything, and Jesus is her world. 

Follow Jaelene on Instagram @jaelenehinkle

Defeated

Defeated

Note from Team LO: We are SO excited to bring you this month’s post from our LO Fam member, Jessica Massey! If you want to be a part of this incredible community, sign up to be notified once the doors open back up!

I experienced my first anxiety attack when I was nine years old. Nine! What a terrifying and confusing event for such a young kid to encounter. And it was exactly that–terrifying. I remember it like it was yesterday. Our family was driving back home from Orlando, Florida and I made my dad stop the car on the highway because I felt like I was dying. If you have ever experienced an anxiety/panic attack, you can relate to this feeling. My heart starting racing, I began sweating, my breathing became rapid, and I had this unexplained FEAR.

Once my dad pulled the car over, my mom was instantly able to conclude what was happening to me. She knew right away that I was experiencing a panic/anxiety attack. My mom also struggles with anxiety as well as her father and my brother.

Typically when you have your first attack it snowballs and they become more frequent. I am so thankful that this first attack didn’t trigger anymore throughout my younger years. It wasn’t until my senior year of high school that the attacks reappeared and were stronger than ever.

I can remember sitting in school and having to excuse myself several times a day in order to try to remove this debilitating feeling. The most frustrating part about it was that they came out of nowhere and generally for no reason. Sometimes I would have to cancel spending time with friends or engaging in certain activities from the crippling fear of experiencing any sort of anxiety. And if you know me at all, I simply enjoy doing life and, more specifically, doing it with the people I love.

These season of attacks eventually subdued their hold on me. Often anxiety results from lack of serotonin in the brain. Serotonin is an important chemical and neurotransmitter in the human body. It helps to regulate mood. There are some life changes that can be done in order to help elevate these levels such as: diet change, regular exercise, and in some cases, medication. I never wanted to reach the point where I had to rely on a medication to help me cope. However, let me say this, there is nothing wrong with using medication if needed. Mental illness is real. What you feel when anxiety and fear and worry hit is real. Don’t ever let someone tell you that what you are feeling is not real. Don’t ever let someone tell you that if you were to just trust God more, this wouldn’t be happening to you. This ignorant statement comes from those who don’t understand the character of God. For me, I wanted to overcome whatever this thing was that was stealing my joy and I wanted to learn to live…FEARLESS.

I didn’t want to carry this burden anymore. I didn’t want to hide anymore. I wanted to be fearless. These thoughts had held me captive. There is a real enemy. His name is Satan. He prowls around like a lion seeking out who he can devour. He truly does desire the demise of every follower of Christ. He wanted to keep me confined and chained to my fears-flightless and ineffective.

Now if I am being honest, anxiety, fear and worry still creep back in every so often. By the grace of God, I have learned what triggers the attacks, my Kryptonite, and have developed my own managing skills. Over the last few years, I have dealt with fewer “panic attacks” and more situational anxieties and fears. Over time, these slowly turned into thoughts and lies that caused me to worry more than I should. And unfortunately, I still have moments where the enemy holds onto victory over my thoughts. And, I have seen worry begin to creep up a lot more lately. In those moments, I NEED God to show up and reveal new heights and depths of His peace.

Charles Spurgeon said it best:

“Why do you worry? What possible use does your worrying serve? You are aboard such a large ship that you would be unable to steer even if your Captain placed you at the helm. You would not even be able to adjust the sails, yet you worry as if you were the captain or the helmsman of the vessel. Be quiet, dear soul – God is the Master! Do you think all the commotion and the uproar of this life is evidence that God has left His throne? He has not! His mighty steeds rush furiously ahead, and His chariots are the storms themselves. But the horses have bridles, and it is God who holds the reins, guiding the chariots as He wills! Our God Jehovah is still the Master! Believe this and you will have peace.”

Perfect love expels all fear and God IS perfect love. God has met me so many times during my moments of anxiety and fear. Sometimes when these emotions sneak back into my life, it’s hard to remember that I’ve had moments where I’ve defeated it at all, but then I’m reminded that I didn’t; that was all JESUS. He has defeated this struggle just like any other human struggle we will encounter. He defeated it the moment He defeated death and the grave. I just need to rest in that truth.

My prayer is that you, too, can also find peace in your moments of despair and find comfort in the fact that you don’t have to fight alone. You’re being fought for every single day by the same King who robbed the grave.

So right now, let us lay down our worries, our fears, the moments where our mind races and give our trust to the One who can do anything!

Jessica “Jess” Massey was born and raised in Florida and currently resides in Orlando. She graduated from the University of South Florida and now teaches 2nd grade. Her first love is Jesus and she’s passionate about sharing how good He has been.

How To Choose the “Right” Career Path

How To Choose the “Right” Career Path

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:33 (ESV)

Choosing a major, choosing a career, committing to a job, those are all big steps. One of the questions that we get asked most often is: How do I choose the right career path?

Throughout the next few months on the blog, we’re going to give our best practical advice and share stories in response to some of your greatest life questions (and if you want to submit a question or topic, drop us a message on Instagram @liveoriginal!)

Question #1 How do I know that I chose the right career path?

We’re about to have that mic drop moment right now. You don’t know if you chose the right career path, but you know when you are using the gifts that God has given you.

And girl, keep reading for the best part.

My career is nothing like I thought it would be. It’s better. It’s been a journey though.

When I was nineteen and a sophomore in college, I wish someone would have told me what my career path would be. It would have made things a lot easier, or at least I like to think so.

People told me that I was smart, capable, and that I would “figure it out.”

I believed them (sometimes), but struggled to trust that I truly would figure it out. As a college student, I went from feeling overwhelmed and frustrated one day to feeling on top of the world the next day. One day I thought I knew what my future career path would be like, and the next, I was crying on my way to class because I didn’t know what I was doing or where I was going.

But what I didn’t realize was that my life purpose is more than my career.

Here’s the thing. I had a job lined up before graduating college. That doesn’t mean it was the dream job, or the best fit, but it was a start.

Starting your career simply requires starting somewhere. I spent four years in college wondering what my career would look like. I spent four+ years after college trying to make a career happen.

Job #1 I thought I had a job with way too little pay.

Job #2 I thought I had landed a job that would humble me.

Job #3 I thought I had landed the “dream job”.

Get this… I landed a marketing position at a beautiful school in Malibu, CA. Beautiful place, sweet people, wrong job. A few weeks in, I remember walking and feeling so disappointed. I wasn’t disappointed in the place, or the people (they were fantastic), it was in my role. The hard truth was, my job that I applied for was not the right one for me…

In that season of being in the “dream” job I remember feeling so confused, sad, and lonely. How could I possibly tell someone that the job and career path that I have pursued for 6 years was no longer the one for me?

And I was in such a hurry to say YES to what I thought was the dream, that I lost my why.

I felt like a fake and I felt guilty because the job was a DREAM for someone. It just wasn’t for me. Do you ever feel that way about where you are at? Or are you fearful that you might feel that one day?

I’m here to tell you: it is okay to admit you didn’t make the best yes.

Looking back at that season of my career, I though that I would just have to “make it work” since I made the choice and I needed to stick it out. I spent every waking day convincing myself that this was exactly where I should be and that it was good for me. While that may sound honorable, it’s not what you make a career out of.

You’re not called to “make it work” for your entire career.

Side note: If you find yourself in a job for a considerable amount of time and you find yourself saying “I’m going to stick it out, I’m going to make it work.” then you might need to start praying about what God has for you there. Talk with your people. Start dreaming.

Your career decisions will not decease the potential impact that God as for your life.

And I remember the day that everything changed after a conversation with my new friend (Sadie Rob!). She was the first person to remind me that the gifts God has equipped me with could be used in my career. She encouraged me to remember that my purpose was so much more than my job.

Our conversation started with one question: what do you love doing?

I briefly shared about my love for design, crafting, and heart for women’s ministry. Of course, I told her that could never be a job that combines the three of those passions (sometimes I feel like God waits for us to say what we really desire, then He’s like “Okay it’s time!” ha)

I remember her smiling at me in that moment. That was the start of my journey to working at Live Original.

What I learned from my friend that day, was that it was okay to be on the journey. It’s ok to have passions and dreams. You have to believe that God will find the place for you to use your gifts.

There were a lot of right and wrong decisions to get to where I am today.

The best career decision didn’t make sense by the world’s standards.

 And the only right decision I knew was to follow God by working to use the skills and gifts He’s created me with for his Glory. And now, this job (working for Team LO) has proved to be the best decision. The bes yes. The best career.

Most of us want to know if we are on the right path. Truth is we don’t fully know. We don’t know what God can and will reveal to us throughout our lifetime.

We do know that God can use us right were we are at.

We do know that different seasons with different jobs expand our capacity.

We do know that we serve a greater purpose than even the most fulfilling career.

So if you’re sitting here wondering if you chose the right path, or you’re about to make a choice on to your first career path, just pause. Really. Make a decision to try something new or move forward with right where you are at.

Don’t spent too much time wondering if you’re right. Otherwise you will be sure to miss out on what God has in store for you.

So I’ll share some practical advice for those who are still wondering:

#1 Don’t be afraid to be wrong or make the “wrong choice” of career.

Sometimes those choices bring you close to knowing what your true gifts and passions are and they allow you to redirect your path (that was me!).

#2 Listen to the call.

I know, I maybe you’ve heard that phrase “find your calling” too much. I believe there are key moments in your life or career that God will call you to something new. It doesn’t necessarily need to be a new job though. If you feel the call, take the leap. And find friends and family who will support you in your journey to finding your calling and your career.

#3 There’s no failure.

I remember in my early jobs fearing that people wouldn’t like me or fearing that I would fail to meet expectations and be fired for one mistake. Sure, that might happen. We learn from our failures though. And you know, you just can’t fail in God’s eyes. So live in freedom.

#4 It’s okay to be different

 Don’t compare your career, or your job to your neighbors. I remember in college being a weird girl who lacked “direction” because she didn’t want to go into a corporate role like every single one of her friends. It was awkward, and I typically over explained when people asked me why. It’s ok to be different. God has equipped us with different things.

#5 Changing direction doesn’t mean you’re lost.

If you find yourself heading into uncharted territory or somewhere you never thought you’d be, but it’s accompanies by peace, this is a GOOD sign! Friend, congrats, because that right there is a reflection of you letting God lead you and steer your path. This is the beauty of walking with Jesus: being somewhere you’ve never been but knowing that you haven’t lost your way.

#6 Dream bigger career dreams.

Your dreams might not be what God’s dream is for you. Listen humbly to his call and keep believing for big dreams.

To my sisters and friends, I’ll leave you with this encouragement:

Your life already has purpose before you choose the path.

Your life is worth more than the job choices that you make.

Your life can be trusted in God’s hands.

Your journey is your own.

Your story is your own.

I don’t know where you are at, but I know that you are not alone. I don’t have the answers to your questions, but I do know we’re not supposed to have all of the answers. I don’t know if you’re living in fear of failure, but I do know that life with God allows us to live in freedom.

Praying you walk in freedom today, dream big dreams, and believe that your life is greater than your career path!

Court Leatherwood is a dreamer and a creative. She’s a member of Team LO. Fueled by community, creativity and coffee, she spends her days moving the mission of Team LO through social media and graphic design. Court is passionate about encouraging other women in truth and love, and she loves celebrating small and big moments of life with handwritten cards. Court recently married the man of her dreams. 

Balancing Relationship and Career

Balancing Relationship and Career

Noah and I were married two months ago after dating for two and a half years. We met and became friends a couple months before I signed my record deal. Noah has been by my side as I’ve made a lot of big decisions at the beginning of my career. He has seen a lot of my uncertainty and the not so pretty parts of my job that most people don’t see – the long hours, the days away from home, the number of people involved in every part. Noah has also watched me work really hard, fight nerves, and shine on big stages. It’s been a blessing that we met at the very beginning of my career in Nashville because through all these experiences we have developed a respect for each other for choosing to give God the glory when it feels like we’re flying, and when it feels like we’re just barely hanging on. So our relationship and my career took off about the same time, and both began to escalate really quickly.

In that time, I have grown in my faith because I have moved more and more out of my comfort zone. I’ve battled with worry, fear, and anxiety when faced with decisions that I didn’t know which way to go. But in those moments, I’ve increasingly turned to my faith for strength and the blessing of discernment. So many people are involved in launching a new artist from the label, my management team, my publishing team, the amazing group of musicians I have on the road, and especially my close friends and family who have supported me from the start. I’ve never been good at letting anyone down and making decisions from a place of confidence because I’m using faith as my guidepost has really helped me keep focus.

When I was asked to write about the topic of balancing career and relationship, I sarcastically thought to myself, “I’ve been married two months, so I’ve totally got this right??” Ha!

I became inspired to look outside my own opinions and instead use this as an opportunity to explore faith as a source for wisdom about balancing my life, my relationship with Noah, and my career as an artist/songwriter. Before I knew love with Noah, I knew the phrase “God is love” from the bible. And that simple, straightforward thought continues to influence all my relationships and set the standard of what I wanted my marriage to be.

The truth is you can’t completely prepare for the unknown. However, I took this topic and asked advice from many married couples whom I admire. Of these couples I talked to, some that have been married for a year or two, some 20 years, and some have been married more than 30 years. Some are friends and some are family members— all who travel for work and have had to adapt to the lifestyle that comes along with a career like mine. What I heard over and over was the importance of faith and choosing to believe in something bigger than ourselves and our relationship, or my career. They told me that marriage is not an easy or perfect adventure, but a solid foundation makes a huge difference in figuring out how to maneuver through this lifelong commitment.

After seeking advice from our married friends and turning to faith for inspiration, we have come up with our own strategies for staying connected through intentional communication.

One thing that each couple touched on was how to intentionally communicate with each other while traveling. Especially as a recording artist I’m constantly on the road and it’s easy to get caught up in each day’s events and forget to reach out to Noah. A quick text or call to remind him that I’m thinking of him every day goes a long way while I’m away and keeps us in touch with each other. Even if it’s a completely different time zone or no cell service, sending an email or Facebook message can make a huge difference in his day, and mine.

Prayer helps me feel more connected to Noah when I’m away from home, so praying for Noah is always a part of my morning routine. I thank God for Noah, pray for his heart and mind, and ask that God would take care of him throughout his day. Prayer always makes me feel closer to him somehow and puts my mind more at ease.

Another thing several couples mentioned was the importance of being aware of each other’s “love languages,” and how making an effort to speak each other’s love language during the time we are together can really make up for the lonely times when we are apart. For example, Noah and I both really respond to words of affirmation; and they can really help refill both our empty “love buckets”! For us, simply asking about each other’s day, snuggling on the couch, or doing a chore or two around the house shows how we care for each other. One friend went so far as to advise me to schedule time just for us – even if that means staying at home. It’s worth it to be proactive and schedule the time.

The thing that Noah and I continue to remind each other is that no matter what happens each day, no matter how far apart we are, we have this unique, beautiful relationship with Christ as the anchor. Here are a few verses that have helped me see better how I can live and love in regards to relationship and career.

Matthew 6:33

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

I love this verse because it’s a simple equation that makes sense. It’s a good springboard for my thought process about the idea of balance.

Many days I wake up feeling out of balance and automatically feel myself battling with stress, worry, anxiety, depression, confusion, or loneliness. But when I remember to seek God first thing when I wake up, He reminds me that He is giving me everything I need right in front of me and my heart and my mind immediately feel lighter. Growing in our faith in Christ isn’t easy – especially with a demanding schedule – it takes practice and tenacity. So, Noah and I carve out time in the mornings to pray and ask God to give us a heart that seeks Him first – not our career, not each other, not our families, not friends, not money, not reputation, not personal gain. Then we talk to God about everything on our hearts. Prayer is a sacred time that we get to share and I’m really thankful for that bond we create through that time while getting to know each other more and getting to know God more.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

In my mind, when I see “To every thing there is a season,” I see “To everything thing there needs to be balance.”

 I was on the phone with Noah’s parents, talking about the balance beam of life, and Noah’s dad — who was the officiant at our marriage – brought up this passage in Ecclesiastes. He talked with me about the image of a man who walks across a tight rope, and how in pictures you can’t see how hard he leans from left to right in order to keep his balance. It’s never just a perfectly balanced walk. I think that’s an amazing picture of how I have to experience balance in my live.

Sometimes my career calls for me to bury my head down and focus on my work whether it be at home or during travel. And sometimes Noah (and our future kids) will need me to be focused on the needs of our family and nurturing our relationship. However, taking the time to communicate when the balance needs to shift is critical. It’s really important that I create a safe space of communication for Noah and vice versa. I want him to feel like he is listened to when he speaks about his feelings and that I care about those feelings, even when it’s not an easy conversation. If I don’t, he will bottle up his feelings or let them build up and spill over in an unhealthy way. I have to choose to let Noah know he can be honest with me when he needs more quality time. This way, when the balance needs to shift between the two of us, he doesn’t feel needy or overbearing, and I don’t feel controlled.

For us, our marriage is a dream come true! This year I released a song called “Enough” that talks about that, and I hope it will be a reminder to us throughout our marriage. Noah and I are so excited to continue to learn about life and share our world with you all throughout the journey.

XO,

Rach

Picked as the only country artist on Entertainment Weekly’s “2019 Artists to Watch” list, Rachel Wammack has a deeply-rooted, classic sound influenced heavily by the rich musical history of her hometown of Muscle Shoals, Ala. Her songs showcase a gifted musician with a confident, soulful soprano earning her early recognition including being named to Rolling Stone’s “10 Best County EPs of 2018” as well as Amazon and NPR’s lists of “Best Music of 2018.” She received “2019 Artist to Watch” acclaim from multiple outlets including AOL, Pandora,  Music Row, Pop Culture, Sounds Like Nashville, and more. She was also selected for CMT’s “Next Women of Country” and Bobby Bones “Class of 2019.”

Follow Rachel on Instagram @rachelwammack

From Fig Leaves to Freedom

From Fig Leaves to Freedom

“The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance” Psalm 16:5-6

“You’re such a hypocrite, Morgan. All the things that you said you stood for, you have thrown out the window. How could you do that? Hurt your friends, give yourself away, be so selfish? Good luck trying to have God, someone else, or even yourself love you after all that you’ve done.”

This was something that was actually spoken to me by a “close friend” roughly ten years ago. Can you believe someone actually said that to me? Even as I type it out, it truly is appalling. She is the kind of person that, deep down, I know doesn’t have my best interest at heart, is more interested in manipulating me then actually knowing me, and who doesn’t believe in grace or the power of redemption.

From the start, I really never trusted this person, but the sharpness of those words actually stuck with me. Not just stuck with me, they marked me. Broke me. Changed me.

As much as I wish I could say that was the only time this happened, it wasn’t. You know those people that seem to follow you everywhere? It’s like come onnnn, of all people, really, THIS friend?? This girl has to go to the same college as me and continue to say hurtful things to me? This person HAS to take note of every new place I was going, every effort I made to escape my past, and follow me there?

I’m sure you’re thinking, “How can ONE person have such a grip over your life? After all, it’s only one opinion.”

The reality is, having someone in your life that is a loud competing voice even amidst the dozens of friends that tried to convince me that the mistakes I’d made, the sin I carried, the choices I had made apart from Jesus didn’t define me anymore, eventually ‘the one’ had the final say.

Over the past ten years, this destructive friend who spoke these lies over me eventually caused such a massive buildup of shame.

To understand WHY this happened (trust me, this is just as much for me as it is you), let’s go wayyyy back to the garden in Genesis 3.

So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.” Genesis 3:6-7 (ESV)

 Friend, do not mistake this act of hiding as a fashion statement. The symbolism seen through the context of shame brings actual tears to my eyes and a pit in my stomach.

Up until this point in all of creation (we’re only two chapters into the beginning of time, but still, you get the point), there had been no separation from God. That means ZERO HIDING, ZERO COVERING UP, ZERO SHAME.

This act of hiding and covering themselves was an entirely new thing. This is so foreign to us today because clothes are a fundamental part of our everyday lives (I hope), but in the garden of Eden, it just wasn’t. It wasn’t, because they knew that they were created in the Image of God and it was a beautiful thing for the Creator to behold its perfect creation. No one told Adam and Eve to do what they did. It was pure instinct to cover their bodies directly following this act of disobedience.

I want you to hear this loud and clear: If love is the first most powerful force on earth, shame is the second.

Shame lies. Shame comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Shame tells us to take hold of another cup than the cup of our double portion. Shame tells us that our inheritance isn’t as beautiful as promised by our heavenly Father and that we should take matters into our own hands. Shame covers up and scatters our lives into a million little pieces.

And that is what it has done for me. I let the shame of my past steal so much from me. On certain days it feels too strong to bear. Shame brings back memories that I would do anything to forget.

But in the midst of my endless fights with that voice, I know there is something else that covers. Just as one person can have such a grip of lies on me, there is One that has a stronger grip of freedom laid out for me.

God knew what the fig leaves meant. The day that sin entered the story is the same day that God started His eternal pursuit to win us back to Him.

“And the Lord God made for Adam and for his wife garments of skins and clothed them.” (v. 3:21)

Did you catch that? God made garments of skin and clothed them. This implies that He sacrificed and slaughtered an animal for his children in order to give them a better covering.

 If this isn’t foreshadowing, I don’t know what is. Since the beginning of time, God was setting up the narrative for Jesus, the perfect sacrifice, to come, die, and trade our pitiful fig leaves for an eternal covering. This is where freedom is found.

Shame scatters, Jesus gathers.

If what you’ve read today resonates with you, please know you’re not alone in this moment. The truth is, I still have that friend in my life that occasionally makes cutting remarks to resurface my past, making me feel so hidden in fig leaves that I can’t tell where the shame ends and I begin.

Even last night, I went to a class taught by one of my mentors. She was laying out the concept of time and God’s plan for the fullness of it. I came alone, sat down in my chair, looked up, and you won’t believe it…THE FRIEND WAS THERE. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.

I felt so anxious the whole time knowing she was in the room and fought back tears at the thought that she would call me out.

At the end, my mentor asked everyone to write out this question: “God, how do you see me?”

Check out my answer…

No, you’re not seeing it wrong, I didn’t write anything.

The minute I wrote that question on my paper, I felt it so clearly that the word God was giving me was “proud.”

This word TERRIFIED me. Proud? There’s no way, and I had a person in the room that would agree with me. So, I sat there, fighting back tears, looking for the closest exit and some fig leaves laying around, just in case.

I actually left the night writing nothing in that space and I still haven’t.

Amidst all the fighting voices, I sit here (with tears in my eyes and hope in my heart) choosing the better portion and good cup. With that, I want to make two confessions.

First, the friend who has followed me everywhere is me. But it’s actually not me, it’s shame. It’s rooted in lies. Yes, it’s been around for so long it almost feels like a part of me, but it’s not who I am. I am choosing to not allow that voice in my life anymore. I know I will have days when I doubt, but right now, I am walking away. I will not let shame have the final word. It’s been too long, and I’m done.

Lastly, how does God see me? HE’S PROUD. Because of what Jesus has done, I have been redeemed, made new, and been forgiven. I’ve taken on my true identity; a daughter who makes her Father proud.

This truly is the beautiful inheritance–trading fig leaves for freedom.

“Instead of your shame there shall be a double portion; instead of dishonor they shall rejoice in their lot; therefore, in their land they shall possess a double portion; they shall have everlasting joy.” Isaiah 61:7 (ESV)

Morgan Krueger is part of Team LO and loves any opportunity to hear someones heart (or their enneagram number).  In her free time she loves drinking coffee with friends, watching British baking shows, and dreaming big with her husband Ryan and puppy June in Franklin, TN.

We Are Loved

We Are Loved

You are loved. If I want you to take anything away from the words on this page it is that you are loved, you are seen, and you are cared for. Jesus loves you to the point of agony on the cross. But I don’t just want you to know that- I want you to live that. Live as if you are loved beyond measure.

I spent this summer serving at Camp Ch-Yo-Ca in Louisiana. Let me tell y’all: the Lord really is able to do more than we can ask for or imagine! Whether through the testimonies created, relationships built, growth of camp itself, or simply within my own heart He exceeded any and every expectation. It was more trying than I anticipated. Some days I felt spiritually, emotionally, and physically exhausted. Yet the Lord held me and rejoiced over me, becoming the strength to every weakness I identified. Other days- and there were lots of them- overflowed with His goodness and abundance, providing mere glimpses to the glory of His Kingdom.

Middle school week intimidated me more than anything but of course the Lord had something bigger for me than I knew, and I’m still unpacking it all. The Holy Spirit was so evident within the friendships the girls in my cabin developed and in the ways they opened up to us counselors. Girls that I viewed as beautiful, chosen, and set-apart world changers shared with us the many lies that they believed about themselves. God penetrated my heart that week and broke it for what broke His.

My co-counselor, Ally, and I made anklets for each of our campers that say the word “loved.” We told them that from camp on, the only identity they were allowed to walk in is loved. If they only began to fathom how wide and long, how high and deep the Lord’s love is for them, their whole selves would transform. They would no longer live from any fear or anxiety. Growing in a relationship with Christ, the outpouring of His love into their souls would leave nothing but an overflow of that same rich love to share with others.

A few years ago I heard that the majority of our problems come from not knowing how loved we are. I saw this manifested in the lives of those around me and found such an urgency in proclaiming this identity over as many as I could reach. Who He is changes things. I was so excited about that that I read and prayed not to fill myself, but with the intent to share. The overflow is good but I had the wrong approach. I didn’t allow the Truth to penetrate deep within my own soul first.

I’m an enneagram type six (if you don’t know anything about the enneagram, like me a few months ago, work at a summer camp and you will soon enough). Type sixes are known for being loyal and hard-working, actively championing those around them. News to me, however, is that we also “test the attitudes of others towards (us)” in order to “fight against anxiety and insecurity.”

Prior to this summer I would have never considered myself a particularly insecure person. Sure, I regularly identified others as prettier or funnier than me, but I didn’t recognize that as holding me back, confident enough in who the Lord made me to be as soon as I felt invited. Arriving to camp, however, I became overly aware of how self-conscious I was being. There were many delayed friendships because I assumed individuals wouldn’t want to be friends with me or wouldn’t want me to infiltrate their group. Through this I saw ties to my experience at college and how I assume others view me.

One late night in the kitchen a few counselors had congregated to sneak some leftovers from Sadie’s birthday. Talking with one of my newer friends I said something subconsciously searching for reassurance of our friendship. He called out my stronghold right then and it has led to every single realization that creates this post.

Camp Ch-Yo-Ca is an incredibly special place filled with beaming, brilliant souls. After opening myself up to friendship with this family, never in my life have I felt so loved. Never in my life have I felt so seen or encouraged or inspired to be who He made me to be. They love deep and vibrantly, causing the sunlight to reach the deepest parts of your heart.

I spent the first few weeks shrinking back in timidity and insecurity, absent-mindely obeying the fear of rejection. I kept waiting for people to invite me in, as if they were examining me for their groups. What I forgot is that I already had the part! Jesus wanted me to show up already being the light He created me to be, rather than waiting for the permission and affirmation of others.

I listened to a podcast the other day that said Christianity, at its core, is so simple, only asking the question, “Will you allow yourself to be loved by God?”

Seeing how I had been so hesitant to allow fellow counselors to love me, I came to the tough realization that I had never allowed the truth of the Lord’s love to manifest within me.

For whatever reason, I always kept Jesus at an elbow’s distance. I saw Him beside me, knew a lot about Him, listened to Him on the Mount, and proclaimed His miracles and words to others. Yet, there was a personal way He wanted to enter my heart that I had not actively allowed.

His love is big. Right now, though, He is showing me its ability to be small and condense, not abstract and greater than my ability to receive, but personal and intimate, flowing through every crack of my broken heart (if you’ve never heard ‘Pieces’ by Bethel, now would be the time to listen).

I’m not a super emotional person so I’m still working through how to actively receive this love each morning. That’s something super cool about His love though – it’s not a feeling, it’s an absolute Truth.

“Then the mother of Zebedee’s sons came to Jesus with her sons and, kneeling down, asked a favor of him. ‘What is it you want?’ he asked. She said, ‘Grant that one of these two sons of mine may sit at your right and the other at your left in your kingdom.’” -Matthew 20:20-21

I originally read that as a bold request, irritated by how upfront she is in asking for what she wants. But I wondered why my heart froze, becoming shy and timid before asking Him to do the same for me. That questioned scared my heart because after working up the courage to ask Him, knowing His answer is ‘yes,’ I realized that I wouldn’t allow myself to sit there. I wouldn’t accept His love and take the seat. I would proudly stand up and shy away at His graciousness, saying someone else could take it, as if they were in more need of sitting right next to the Father of all generations at His great banquet than I was.

So now I wake up each morning and humble myself enough to take a seat at His table.

Still stumbling to accept His love and let Him in the walls that I don’t know exist, I know to slow down in my relationship with Him. Just to sit at His feet and let Him pour into me- not for the reason of me being able to do something with it but simply because that is what Jesus came on this earth to be able to do, to love me.

Fear doesn’t stand a chance when we stand in His perfect love. Our anxieties and insecurities have no place swimming in His love. Living into the identity He has for us creates a lightness. It takes away the burden and takes away striving. It invites us to discover who we are.

So not just you but finally including myself as well, together with all God’s holy people- we are loved.

Meagan Harkins is from Oviedo, FL and currently studies Journalism at Ole Miss, with hopes to document stories about what Christ is doing in the hearts of others. She loves Christmas trees, road trips with her family, and the color green.

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