According to a poll of 300 women conducted by Glamour magazine in 2011, 97 percent of American women are unhappy with their appearance.This statistic is sad, because it shows we’re not embracing how God uniquely designed each of us. Maybe today you’re chasing perfection and believe that if you can work hard enough to reach your goal weight, you’ll finally feel good about yourself. Or perhaps you’ve completely let yourself go and tell yourself you don’t care. But I bet on either side of these extremes, there’s an ache in the heart that says, “I know I’m more than this!” And friend, you are!
Have you ever wondered who or what created how you see yourself? We need to pinpoint this and align it with the Word.
Meet Karen, the perfectionist.
She was desperate to be a size 8. Growing up, she had been bullied about her weight, and the pain from that was still affecting her. She thought if she could just get skinny, she could prove everyone wrong and finally feel good about herself. Karen tried every diet, but with each attempt, her dream felt further away. She once showed me a picture on her phone of her vision board. It was covered with images of extremely fit and perfectly photoshopped women. Karen believed that the way she looked was the problem, but the true problem was how she saw herself.
We traced her motivation to pursue perfection back to something her family had said: they always referred to her as the “ugly duckling.” Karen had taken that nickname and the bullying she experienced and turned them into a mission to be perfect. But after giving her the tools to place her identity securely in Christ and forgive her family and those who bullied her, she was able to embrace the individual beauty God had given her and get free from perfectionism.
Meet Susan, who tried to find comfort in not caring.
She was another extreme. At first glance, she seemed confident, but as she opened up, she shared she had given up on herself. Susan said getting older made her feel invisible, so she ate for comfort and had begun to isolate herself. At one appointment, I asked her, “Is there any part of you, even the slightest tinge in your soul, that really doesn’t want to give up on yourself and knows you are more than this?” Susan grabbed my hand and said, “I really do, but I feel so old . . . like it doesn’t matter anymore.” Susan needed to be reminded that it wasn’t too late, she wasn’t too old, and God still had work for her to do.
Meet Christy, who kept talking herself out of her dreams.
Christy came to me because she wanted more godly confidence. She explained that she had a dream, but she kept talking herself out of it. “I’m nothing special, I’m just a mom and a wife, so no one will take me seriously,” she said. When I asked her to explain, she shared that she had always wanted to be a fitness instructor, but she felt like she didn’t look the part; that’s why she referred to herself as “just a mom and a wife.” Christy needed to break free from the limiting vision she had of herself, and she needed to know that God had placed that dream of being a fitness instructor in her heart for a reason. She now works as a part-time fitness instructor and says she can’t imagine her life without the pure joy of encouraging women to live healthy lifestyles.
There is no peace in living with a view of yourself that isn’t based in the truth of who God says you are.
Try this exercise: Look at your child or a little one in your life who is very special to you.
Think about how much you love that child and how you would do anything for him or her. Now, take all of those emotions and let this wash over you—this is how God looks at you. You are precious to Him. You are His daughter.
Seeing yourself through God’s eyes without any need for identity based in what you look like—as a woman He created for His purposes, worthy and loved—brings your self-view back to its rightful place.
Whether you find yourself chasing perfection, settling for less, or even giving up on yourself, God has plans for you. If you’re willing to see yourself through His eyes, you can find complete freedom and confidence.
Here’s how:
Pinpoint who or what is creating the negative way you see yourself, and give God full control over your self-view.
Catch and replace the things you say about how you look—and never, ever say another bad thing about yourself again.
See yourself through the lens of the Word, and learn key scriptures to pray over yourself, like the ones I shared with Maddi:
o You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you. (Song of Solomon 4:7 NIV)
o But now, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand. (Isaiah 64:8 ESV)
o So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. (Genesis 1:27 NKJV)
o But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7 NKJV)
o Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. (1 Peter 3:3–4 NIV)
o Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. (Proverbs 31:30 NIV)
Note the things, people, and places, that fuel your insecurity, and shower them with prayer.
Remember at all times Jesus is the cure for feeling insecure. In these moments, just say His name aloud.
Top Five Most Common Body-Image Triggers and a Go-To Power Thought to Beat Them:
The scale. Numbers only have the power you give them.
Social media. Don’t follow anyone who isn’t following God. Body-part photos cause body-part idolatry; flee from them!
Not liking how you look. Do the very best you can with all God has given you and leave the rest to Him. Trade criticism for compassion.
What other people say about your body. Their opinion is not God’s truth and therefore shouldn’t be yours, either.
Trying to look like you did in the past. You can’t be who you were, but you can be your best you today.
“Your eyes are windows into your body. If you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light.” (Matthew 6:22 MSG)
Kim Dolan Leto’s latest book, “Fit God’s Way” is available for purchase on January 17, 2022 wherever books are sold.
Kim Dolan Letois a wife, mother, and ESPN Fitness of America Champion, best selling author, faith-filled speaker, creator of the Faith Inspired Transformation,and host of Strong. Confident. His podcast. With 20 years in the fitness industry and a lifetime of Jesus working in her, she’s dedicated her life to teaching women to get fit and find confidence– His way. Kim’s mission is to equip women through Word-based strategies, daily action steps, and the tools they need to achieve a Faith Inspired Transformation in their health and wholeness to live Strong. Confident. His.
Have you ever stopped and asked yourself, Why do my relationships bring me more stress than joy? Why do I keep repeating the same unhealthy relational patterns?
Paying attention to your relationship to relationships can be difficult. But this is simply about seeing the way your relationships affect your emotional well-being. Healthy relationships are marked by interdependence with your loved ones—you can share yourself without losing yourself, and you can mutually depend on one another. Unhealthy relationships, on the other hand, can look like codependency, isolation, a lack of vulnerability, oversharing, or overidentifying.
Here are some signs of an unhealthy emotional relationship with relationships:
You fear conflict, so you keep everything at surface level.
You put your entire worth and value in your friendships, dating relationship, marriage, or children.
You struggle to trust anyone other than yourself.
You rely too much on others to regulate your emotions and meet your needs.
You fear vulnerability and hide your emotions.
You use relationships to cope with the stresses of life.
You don’t experience sexual intimacy with your partner.
You feel your child’s emotions too deeply.
You’re quick to blame others instead of taking ownership in your relationships.
You overshare, vent, and complain about private matters of your life.
You never have a preference when people ask where you want to go or what you want to do.
You keep dating emotionally unhealthy people.
You explode in anger at those closest to you.
You don’t have any deep relationships.
If you see yourself in the list above, chances are that false scripts are to blame for your unhealthy relationships.
In our work with people who are struggling in their relationships, we’ve identified some of the most common false scripts:
Being in a dating relationship will make you happy.
Having your sexual needs met will make you happy.
You don’t need anyone else to be happy.
All you need is your family to be happy.
Raising your kids is the ultimate form of happiness.
Once you’re married, you’ll live happily ever after.
Being conflict free in your relationships equals happiness.
If we were to map these false scripts on a spectrum, on the left side would be scripts that say relationships are everything for happiness and success. If you buy into these scripts, you overidentify in your relationships. Overidentifying might mean relying on relationships to feel better about yourself or a situation. It also might mean engaging in people-pleasing or doing anything to keep the peace. The fear of being abandoned or disappointed results in a lack of boundaries and compromised self-care.
If you buy into the scripts on the right side of this spectrum, you undervalue the role of relationships. You exaggerate your independence and underidentify in your relationships. Underidentifying might mean not leaning on others when you need them and instead trying to take care of everything yourself. You may not believe other people can be trusted, especially if you’ve been hurt in the past. You may push people away or shut them down when they try to get too close.
When we swing to either extreme, relationships become our greatest stressors and disappointments. But there’s a way to get back to the healthy middle—to a place where our relationships resonate with joy and flood our lives with happiness.
There are three foundational truths that confront the most common false scripts around relationships. Whether your false scripts lead you to stay guarded, put your hopes and dreams in others, or keep everything surface level, these truths will help you find a healthy balance in your relationships.
1. Relationships are worth the risk.
Good relationships make us happier and healthier. We need people in our lives—not just work colleagues or immediate family, but an engaged community of people who really know us.
While many of us know this, we hit roadblocks along the way. Relational trauma, Western society’s value of independence, and our own pride can lead us to reject help from others when we’re in need. We feel apathetic about engaging in community, or we become convinced that having close relationships will only invite hurt and betrayal.
God created us with an innate desire to belong.1 Research proves that our need for connection is a powerful motivation that’s woven into the fabric of our being.2 The more we lean into this intentional design, the happier and healthier we are.3 Good relationships matter, and when you find the right people, they’re worth the risk. But when you’ve been betrayed, hurt, abandoned, or shamed in relationships, none of this research matters. The only thing that seems clear is that the safest approach is to avoid investing too much in relationships. We self-protect by resisting attachments and not letting others into our lives.
There’s a reason God gave us the desire to be in community with people. In her book Love Sense, Dr. Sue Johnson writes, “Emotional connection is a sign of mental health. It is emotional isolation that is the killer.”5 It’s through emotional connection and healthy relationships that we cure loneliness, achieve happiness, and cultivate health.
2. Relationships can’t fully satisfy you.
When we talk about relationships, it’s important to realize that not every need can be met by someone else. This is where Disney messed us up. We’ve been sold the fairy-tale scenario that all we need is a prince (or a princess) to solve our problems, and then we’ll live happily ever after. But human relationships are built to disappoint.
Think about it: when God created human beings, he acknowledged, “It is not good for the man to be alone.”6 But he didn’t just create a couple and stop there. He created each person to be in a relationship with him first and to glorify him.7 As we image God, who is three in one, we reflect his relational nature—not just with one another, but with him.
God designed us to need a variety of relationships, calling us to love him first and then our neighbor as ourselves. We need to learn how to love all three: God, others, and the beautiful self he made. If we put unrealistic expectations on others, whether it’s a spouse, a child, or a friend, we’ll doom our relationships. We need to be proactive in building communities, support systems, and our own self-care habits so our needs can be met from multiple relationships instead of putting the burden on one individual.
3. Failure is necessary; repair is everything.
In an attempt to keep the peace in our relationships, we might avoid conflict. We also might keep things shallow because we’re afraid to dive into vulnerable territory. But all this does is create superficial relationships. Conflict doesn’t make relationships weaker; the opposite is true. Failing is part of relationships—it’s the way we come back from failure that can make us stronger.
We will all fail in our relationships. It’s inevitable, because none of us are perfect. But the way we repair, or come back from conflict, makes the difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one.
Repair is a relational skill that can be developed. In doing so, we learn to communicate through tough issues and draw even closer, with a deeper, clearer understanding of the other person.
Instead of putting our energy into avoiding conflict (which ends up hurting relationships), we need to lean into our humanity. We will mess up—conflict is normal. Healthy repair is the way to build strong, lasting relationships.
1. Romans 1:6.
2. R. F. Baumeister and M. R. Leary, “The Need to Belong: Desire for Interpersonal Attachments as a Fundamental Human Motivation,” Psychological Bulletin 117, no. 3 (1995), 497–529, https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.117.3.497.
3. S. Saphire-Bernstein and S. E. Taylor, “Close Relationships and Happiness,” Oxford Handbook of Happiness (Oxford, UK: Oxford University Press, 2013), https://www.oxfordhandbooks.com/view/10.1093/oxfordhb/9780199557257.001.0001/oxfordhb-9780199557257-e-060.
5. Sue Johnson, Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships (New York: Little, Brown and Company, 2013), 22.
6. Genesis 2:18.
7. Isaiah 43:1-7.
Adapted from Start from Joy: Trade Shame, Guilt, and Fear for Lasting Change, a Lighter Spirit, and a More
Fulfilling Life by Neal Samudre and Carly Samudre, LPC, releasing from Tyndale House Publishers in January 2023
A relationship with Jesus Christ and an identity that flows from who he is and what he has done for us changes everything. It radically transforms the way we work, the way we invest, the way we view money, all of it. How? Here are four ways.
First, the Christian faith gives us a moral compass, an inner GPS, that provides ethical guidance that takes us beyond merely the legal aspects or requirements in any situation. A Christian on the board of a major financial institution—recently publicly embarrassed by revelations of corruption—told me about a closed-door meeting there between top executives. Someone said, “We have to restore moral values.” Immediately someone asked, “Whose values? Who gets to define what is moral?” And there’s our problem.
There once was a perception of broadly felt moral intuitions that governed much behavior in our society. It went well beyond the legal. Much of the ruthlessness, lack of transparency, and lack of integrity that characterizes Wall Street, the marketplace, and many other professions today comes because consensus on those moral intuitions has collapsed. However, Christians working in those worlds do have solid ethical guidance and could address through personal example the values vacuum that has now been recognized by so many.
Second, your Christian faith gives you a new spiritual power, an inner gyroscope, that keeps you from being overthrown by either success, failure, or boredom. Regarding success and failure, the gospel helps Christians find our deepest identity not in accomplishments but in who we are in Christ. This keeps our egos from inflating too much during seasons of prosperity, and it prevents bitterness and despondency during times of adversity. While some jobs seduce us into overwork and anxiety, others tempt us to surrender to drudgery, only “working for the weekend,” doing just what is necessary to get by when someone is watching. Paul calls that “eye-service” (Colossians 3:22-24, ESV) and charges us to think of every job as working for God, who sees everything and loves us. That makes high-pressure jobs bearable and even the most modest work meaningful.
Third, the Christian faith gives us a new conception of work as one of the ways God loves and cares for his world—through us. Look at the places in the Bible that say God gives every person their food. How does God do that? It is through human work—from the farmhand milking the cows, to the truck driver bringing produce, to the local grocer. God could feed us directly, but he chooses to do it through human work.
There are three important implications of this. First, it means all work, even the most menial task, has great dignity. In our work we are God’s hands and fingers, sustaining and caring for his world. Further, it means one of the main ways to please God in our work is simply to do work well. This includes the farmhand we just mentioned and the green, fresh-out-of-college kid who’s grinding away on Excel spreadsheets. Some have called this “the ministry of competence.” What passengers need first from an airline pilot is not that she speaks to them about Jesus but that she is a great, skillful pilot. Finally, this means that Christians can and must have deep appreciation for the work of those who work skillfully but do not share our beliefs.
Fourth, the Christian faith gives us a new world-and-life view that shapes the character of our work. All well-done work that serves the good of human beings pleases God. But what exactly is “the common good”? There are many work tasks that do not require us to reflect too much on that question. All human beings need to eat, so raising and providing food serves people well. But what if you are an elementary school teacher or a playwright? What is good education (i.e., what should you be teaching children)? What kinds of plays should you write (i.e., what kinds of stories do people need)? The answers to these questions will depend largely on how you answer more fundamental questions: What is the purpose of human life? What is life about? What does a good human life look like? It is unavoidable that many jobs will be shaped by our conscious or semiconscious beliefs about those issues. So Christians must think out how their faith will distinctly shape their work.
How wonderful that the gospel works on every aspect of us—mind, will, and feelings—and enables us to both deeply appreciate the work of nonbelievers and yet aspire to work in unique ways as believers. Putting these four aspects together, we see that being a Christian leads us to see our work not as merely a way to earn money, nor as primarily a means of personal advancement, but as truly a calling—to serve God and love our neighbor.
In Luke 10:17-20, Jesus sends his disciples out to heal and to cast out demons. When they return, Jesus inquires how it went. They respond, “Wow, Lord, even the demons are subject to us!” (In other words, “We had a very successful investment year!”) “It was unbelievable. We cast out demons. We trampled on serpents. We did all these things, and it was great!”
What does Jesus say to them in response? “Do not rejoice in this, that the spirits are subject to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven” (verse 20, ESV). That is certainly an interesting response. Surely, he doesn’t mean not to be happy that they have changed people’s lives. Why wouldn’t they be happy?
Rather, Jesus is saying to them, “You’re rejoicing about the wrong things. You’re making these works into your identity.” Similarly, there is that famous parable of the rich man and Lazarus in Luke 16. Ironically, the rich man is never given a name. He is just “the rich man.” Why? Well, that’s who he was. His identity was in being a rich man. If your identity is in your riches (or in your children or in anything else other than Jesus), you actually don’t have a name at all. You’re just a “rich man.”
What Jesus is reminding us here is that we must deliberately keep our hearts from resting in our self-created identities, in our success. The real success, Jesus says, is that because of what he has done, our names are already written in heaven. We will be received there. There is real success, real power, real riches, and it is guaranteed. Nonetheless, it takes years to get this into our hearts.
Why do you pray? Why do you worship? Why do you take the Lord’s Supper? Why do you do devotions? Because you’re working this identity more and more into yourself. It’s not all the way in there—and it will never be in this life—but keep it up, because it is your true freedom.
Rejoice, not that you’ve had a great year with profitable investments, nor that you’ve made the Midas List and were mentioned in the Financial Times, but that your name is written in heaven. This is the beginning. This is the foundation upon which you can build your investment strategy, your business practice, and your life. Start now.
TimothyKeller is the founding pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Manhattan, which he started in 1989 with his wife, Kathy, and three young sons. He is also the chairman and cofounder of Redeemer City to City (CTC), which starts new churches in New York and other global cities, and publishes books and resources for ministries in an urban environment.
“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubt, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.” James 1:5-6
Have you ever read this verse and wondered why God chose wisdom as the guaranteed yes? When I read this verse, I was slightly frustrated. Why couldn’t the guaranteed yes be something more exciting than wisdom? We would prefer a promise for healing, a promise for a timely answer, or a promise for financial security—surely these things might provide more practical peace and fulfilling prayer than wisdom. Although wisdom may not sound like the ideal answer from the Lord, I think you & I have an improper view of the value of biblical wisdom. Once we search the Scriptures and understand what is promised to us by this verse, “wisdom” can become the most treasured guaranteed “yes” from our Father.
The author of the book of James put together a book that seems like a miscellaneous collection of practical Christianity, with commands to remain steadfast, be impartial, watch your tongue & be mindful of how fleeting life is. But if you read this book with the wisdom literature of the Bible in mind (Proverbs and Ecclesiastes, mainly), it’s easy to see that James is teaching his readers to live in light of the “wisdom from above” that he defines as “first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial, and sincere” (James 3:17) and every “practical” point that he makes finds its roots in Old Testament wisdom principles. So, when James tells us in chapter one that this “wisdom from above” is given generously to all, what does that mean? Why can wisdom be so freely given?
As James did, let’s look back at Old Testament wisdom in the book of Proverbs. Proverbs is a book of practical wisdom that is meant to teach readers how to “fear God, and turn away from evil” (Proverbs 3:7) and most of the chapters deal with day-to-day issues. However, just because the author of Proverbs is teaching us how to be wise doesn’t mean he isn’t teaching us about Jesus. In chapter 8, wisdom takes the stage and defines itself:
“The Lord possessed me at the beginning of His work, the first of His acts of old. Ages ago I was set up, at the first, before the beginning of the earth…when He established the heavens, I was there; when He drew a circle on the face of the deep, when He made firm the skies above…when He marked out the foundations of the earth, I was beside Him, like a master workman, and I was daily His delight, rejoicing before him always, rejoicing in his inhabited world, and delighting in the children of man” (Proverbs 8:22-31).
Who does that sound like to you? Who was, according to John 1, “in the beginning with God” who “all things were made through”? Who delights in the works of the Father, rejoicing in the world and the people He created? Jesus does. He holds all things together, He is before all things, and He is the fullness of God sent down to us.
Paul sees this in Scripture and includes it in his letter to the Corinthians. 1 Corinthians chapter 2 says this: “But we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and folly to Gentiles, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ is the power of God and the wisdom of God.” Wisdom describes Himself in Proverbs chapter 8 as standing next to the Father in creation. John tells us that Jesus was in the beginning with God, by whom He made all things (John 1). 1 Corinthians tells us that Christ is the power and wisdom of God. So, what is Biblical wisdom? The person of Jesus Christ! How AWESOME is the Bible? Jesus was the One who was with God in creation, He is the power of God, and He is God who put on flesh and dwelt among us. To know Jesus, then, is to know wisdom—He is wisdom itself!
James says that God gives wisdom generously to all without reproach. Why does God promise to give us wisdom when we ask? Because He gives His Son freely to all who ask! Because “all who call on the name of the Lord will be saved” (Romans 10:13). The Father has not withheld Jesus from us, and Christ is the “wisdom and power of God”, so if Christ is not withheld from us, then the wisdom found in Him isn’t either. When we accept the gift of salvation in Christ, the forgiveness, kindness, love, and grace of God are freely given to us. The Holy Spirit becomes a guide and a friend, as we walk through life seeking to know and honor Him. And, as we look to God for wisdom on how to live a life that brings glory to Him, He is always giving us more wisdom because He freely gives us Jesus.
When we ask God for more wisdom, He bursts at the seams to say yes because we are asking for more of Jesus—and that is a prayer He bled and died and rose again to say “yes” to. There is nothing in this world that can restrain His love toward His children. Let us seek wisdom with all of our heart, and rejoice in finding it at every turn as our Good Father answers “yes” to our every need for Him.
My name is Sam Arp and I am a college student in Charleston studying writing! I just really love studying and teaching the Bible & seeing people come to know Jesus for who He really is. 🙂
What’s up, friend! I’m so excited to share this Sisters + Friends episode with you! This one features some of mine and Christian’s best friends, Freddie and Parker Amos. I’m sure you already know Freddie, as she’s been on the podcast and is our counselor at Live Original. But her husband Parker joins us in this conversation as well and it is so great!
We talked all things relationships, marriage, friendship and more. Christian and I kicked off the conversation by addressing a little tiff we had earlier that morning. Long story short, it led me to my first piece of marriage advice: Do not start on the defense. Remember you are on the same team working toward the same goal.
I then asked if Freddie or Parker had any relationship advice to give from any of there communication flops. Freddie answered by saying it varies for her and Parker. She said that for her, she has to assume that Parker is going to respond while having her best interest at heart rather than assume the worst in her. She also has to remember that it’s not just about her when they’re trying to resolve something. It’s about their marriage and also what will be best for Parker rather than assuming she knows what’s best.
It truly is so easy to assume what is best instead of bringing it up. It’s also true that we often do wait to address an issue and I have found that the longer you wait, the more the problem multiplies. This could all be resolved by taking time to address the problem even though it might not be fun.
We then began to tell the story of how we all met and became friends. Christian and Parker were kind of the OG’s. Without their friendship, Freddie and Parker wouldn’t even live in Louisiana. Parker said the first time he remembers meeting Christian, they were in high school. Parker lived in Auburn at the time and Christian was still living in Florida. They met at a rush event for a fraternity that they were both considering rushing at the time. He knew Christian as the “cool surfer dude from Florida.” This was so funny to me because when I met Christian, I thought he looked like a hot lifeguard haha.
Christian chimed in and said it took a few months for Parker and him to become good friends because he was still in his crazy phase and Parker was not. But they ultimately became friends through church. They developed such a deep friendship, and I always say that Christian and I probably wouldn’t have started dating without Parker. I asked Christian to take us back to the conversations he had with Parker leading up to when he began pursuing me.
This is a great example because often when people start pursuing someone, they keep quiet about it or it’s not actually much of a pursuit at all. It gets isolating and bad. But Christian had his friends as a part of mine and his relationship before we were even in one.
Christian mentioned that he typically is an indecisive person. So he needed people in his life to speak into this relationship. He and Parker talked through what mine and Christian’s relationship would look like, how Christian would lead, etc. Parker gave Christian plenty of dating advice during this time, and eventually, it became Parker’s turn. He began dating Freddie!
Parker began sharing about the beginning of his and Freddie’s relationship and what that looked like. They met during their freshman year of college at an event called the Oaks Retreat at Auburn. Parker said that when they met, he remembered her by her unique name and her super cool lifted jeep. He quickly found out she had a boyfriend, so he kept his distance. But eventually, when they broke up, she became pretty vocal about the interest she had in Parker. Everyone was so excited when Freddie and Parker started dating. It’s important to note though, that once Freddie broke up with her ex boyfriend, she and Parker didn’t immediately start dating. They took some time and space before jumping into another relationship. It’s also important to be intentional about not bringing baggage from past relationships into a relationship with the person you’re going to marry. Not that some of that won’t come in somehow or need to be addressed, but it is important to still take that time and space before jumping into a new relationship. What I saw with myself is that I kept repeating the same cycles in my relationships. The reason I didn’t fall into the same situation with Christian is because, for one, he led better than anyone else I’d dated. And also, the Lord had truly prepped my heart after my last breakup by reminding me to just slow down.
Freddie went on to share how cool it was that when she met Parker, her heart desired both Parker and time to herself. The Lord was so kind to grant her both. He allotted her the time she needed outside of a relationship, and at the right time, began her relationship with Parker. Parker mentioned how in college, everyone is seemingly trying to find the right person instead of being the right person. If we would just focus on being the right person God’s called us to be instead of looking for that person first, it would all work out much better. He sees their story as a great example of God displaying this concept.
I would say this to people as a practical piece of advice: Listen to the sermons and podcasts on dating. Read the books on dating. Do all the things. I did this before I met Christian, and it truly got my heart posture right. I think it’s great to prep for the relationship way before you ever get into the relationship. I believe this shows God that while you are surrendered to His plan for your life, you’re also preparing for what He has for you.
Another topic I wanted to address was community. We’ve talked about community in dating, singleness, and other seasons, but I wanted to talk about community in marriage. Often, when people get married, they begin to isolate themselves, which is a very dangerous place to be because you definitely need couple friends in that season. I remember at Freddie and Parker’s rehearsal dinner, the amount of friends who stood up and spoke so much life over them and blessed them was such a beautiful thing. Many of those same friends are still walking through life with them. For Christian and me too, all the people who spoke life over us and encouraged us are still walking through life with us. It’s so important to hang on to those relationships.
So, I asked Freddie and Parker what it looks like for them to be in community in marriage. Parker talked about how they both prioritize each other having individual friendships too. For example, Parker having a friend like Christian to encourage him and hold him accountable will allow Parker to be a better husband for Freddie. When he is in community, he is healthy as a husband. He mentioned the importance of prioritizing this, because isolation leads you to believe that you are the only one walking through a situation. Community will help you pick up on the things that might seem a little off in your relationships. They’ll call you out and hold you accountable, even when you aren’t willing to be honest about what’s going on in your life.
Also, when you’re dating someone, you don’t want to say anything negative about that person and lead your friends to think poorly of them. Even though you might love your person, we’ve gotta be real … your friends can turn on a dime, am I right? They can think your person is the best one minute and the worst the next. So, when you’re married, it’s important that you don’t throw your spouse under the bus or talk bad about them. But instead, bring your friends in to speak life into your relationship. At that point in your life, you should have friends that trust and love both you and your person enough, to where if you say one thing, they won’t automatically think of you as a bad person who talks negatively about their person. They’ll actually be more concerned about how to fix the problem at hand in the best way.
Christian then reiterated the idea that you can be in community, but not actually be open and transparent. For example, that same morning, Christian and I had a little argument, and we told Freddie and Parker about it. As it turned out, they had actually had an argument of their own that morning too. They could’ve kept it to themselves when we were sharing about ours, but they didn’t. They let us in to what they were walking through. And that is what true community should look like. Your struggles actually help each other.
Christian and I used to get really bummed about not having community with other couples. In fact, we would get our feelings hurt when we weren’t invited to other people’s small groups. For those looking for community and feeling like they just can’t find the right group, I would encourage you to start your own! Christian and I recently started a Wednesday night Bible study at our house that has been so fruitful. Sometimes we have to look at the things we’re complaining about and think, “Actually, can I fix that problem?” This was certainly a situation that Christian and I could fix.
Next, I addressed a big topic in relationships: comparison. This is so important to talk about because it is so prevalent. The minute you get discontent with who you’re with because you compare them to another person, it will mess up your entire relationship. There have even been times in mine and Christian’s relationship when this topic surfaced. When we had Honey, I remember saying things like, “Oh, other people’s husbands are so helpful.” Looking back, I was comparing Christian, in a sense, to how helpful other husbands were, even though I would never want to be married to any of those people. I love Christian and I’m so attracted to him. Even more than just that, I love everything that he is and how he serves our family. But because I compared him to someone else’s husband based on one thing, all of a sudden I started getting mad at him for little things that he wasn’t doing. I’ve just seen the potential for this topic in our marriage to be such a destructive thing. It wasn’t that I was comparing him in a physical appearance, but I was comparing him in terms of helpfulness. Typically, when we think of comparison in relationships, we think of females comparing themselves to others. And while that does lead to discontentment in who we are, we don’t think about comparison affecting an entire relationship, especially in a marriage.
Freddie chimed in by mentioning how important it is to avoid comparison in relationships. Instead of allowing ourselves to make excuses, we should remind ourselves, “Actually, my relationship is so important to me and I’m going to prevent myself from letting my eyes wander.” Like Freddie said, things don’t change when you’re even in a serious relationship with the person you do love. You still have to protect yourself in the same ways.
Christian and I had just been listening to Ben Stuart’s message on David and Bathsheba, which I highly recommend if you’ve never heard it before. One thing Ben talks about is the fact that God gave us curiosity. But he reminded us to make sure we’re using our curiosity in healthy and beautiful ways because it leads to innovation. He said that if we are lazy with our curiosity, it can lead to sin.
When Christian and I are watching a show and it looks like things might be about to get inappropriate, Christian gets on his phone and won’t watch whatever is happening on the screen. I appreciate this so much because it shows that Christian isn’t concerned with being curious about the screen. But instead, he only has eyes for me. I think many people believe that we don’t have control in an instance like that. And we do, but we have to fight for it.
At Christian and Parker’s Bible study in Auburn, week after week, guys would talk about how they were trying to quit porn. One week, they finally put their foot down and asked the question, “Are we actually going to quit?” So, I asked the guys what that looks like for a man who admits he struggles with porn to actually take hold of something like that? Christian said that a lot of it starts by finding the common denominator. For someone, it could be late at night before bed, making the effort to not be on their phone. For someone else, it might be not taking their phone when they go to the bathroom. Covenant eyes is also a good idea. It’s a locked down browser that only allows you to search certain things. You have to be aware of which situations you struggle with the most. You have to go much further than just “Yes, I struggle with it.” You have to ask yourself, “Why am I struggling with it?” and “What situations do I let myself go there?”
Parker made the point that your fight with lust does not end once you get married. If anything, it increases, because the enemy wants your eyes to be anywhere except your spouse, especially when you’re having conflict and things get hard. He said that with any sin, you have to ask yourself, “Is this better or is Jesus better?” It’s definitely a fight, but that’s why it’s vital to have people who can hold you accountable.
Everyone talks about how everything changes when you get married, but we wanted to talk about some of the things that don’t change. When I was pregnant with Honey, everyone told me that my whole life was about to change. Well, there were actually a lot of things in mine and Christian’s lives that didn’t change once we had Honey. We’re still who we were before. We still have friends over. We still travel. So, that’s not necessarily always true that everything changes when you get married or have a baby. A lot changes, but not everything. I think some people have this idea that all their problems will change when they get married. Freddie mentioned that getting engaged, married, or having a baby will not solve your problems. Those things will actually challenge you a lot in your relationship.
I asked Freddie and Parker to mention some things they thought might change when they got married, but that have actually stayed the same. Freddie began sharing about struggles, whether it be sin or body issues. Marriage does not come in and make all those things better. It actually makes them harder, because it’s no longer secret to you. Parker sees those struggles all the time. But you have the option to either stay in your sin, or change something.
This led us to talk a bit more about the struggle of comparison. When my parents first got married, my dad used to get really jealous for my mom if other guys would look at her. A lot of people might have thought that he wouldn’t be jealous anymore once she had a ring on her finger. But when you have a deep lie inside of you, a ring doesn’t just change that. It changes when you decide to let the Lord heal that in your own heart. If you think anything other than God is going to heal a sin in your life, it’s not going to happen. Only God can take a sin and redeem you.
Parker said that when he got married to Freddie, he didn’t think he’d have time to do all the fun things he loves. But he still gets to hunt, fish, have time for music and all the things. It’s even better now because he gets to share all those things with Freddie. He said it’s important to find someone who’s going to encourage you in the things you love, as that’s what Freddie does for him.
Marriage is a serious thing. It takes intentionality and God being at the center of it. Then you will be able to be the best version of yourself for your spouse. It’s such a beautiful and fun thing, doing life with your best friend. For a culture that doesn’t value marriage, it’s very sad to see. Marriage is one of the greatest gifts that God has given us, as well as having children. A lot of people think that when you have kids, your life is over. But in some ways I think that our life began once we had Honey. And in so many ways it made Christian and me who we are.
These things that God designed and gave us in life, like marriage and family, are such beautiful things and the enemy will 100% be after your heart in them. But if you just follow the Lord’s leading on those things and are intentional about following His voice, you will find so much fruit in it all. At the same time, if you’re single and just don’t desire that yet, rest in the place God has you. God has you there for a reason. Singleness is a beautiful thing too. Paul actually said it’s better that you stay single. There’s beauty in all things that God creates. Being able to be content where you’re at brings so much fruit and blessing.
If you want to hear our full conversation, be sure to listen HERE!
We are SO excited to be sharing an excerpt from our NEW Advent study, The Waiting & Wonder, available inside the LO sister app! We pray this encourages you and meets you where you’re at this holiday season!
Today’s Passage:
Luke 1:8-17
“Now while he was serving as priest before God when his division was on duty, according to the custom of the priesthood, he was chosen by lot to enter the temple of the Lord and burn incense. And the whole multitude of the people were praying outside at the hour of incense. And there appeared to him and angel of the Lord standing on the right side of the altar of incense. And Zechariah was troubled when he saw him, and fear fell upon him. But the angel said to him, ‘Do not be afraid, Zechariah for your prayer has been heard and your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you shall call his name John. And you will have joy and gladness, and many will rejoice at his birth, for he will be great before the Lord. And he must not drink wine or strong drink, and he will be filled with the Holy Spirit, even from his mother’s womb. And he will turn many of the children of Israel to the Lord their God, and he will go before him in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the disobedient to the wisdom of the just, to make ready for the Lord a people prepared.’“ (ESV)
Devo:
We tend to think of Zechariah’s encounter here as something miraculous in his everyday work. However, I don’t think that’s quite how it played out. Scripture tells us he’s in the order of Abijah which according to the Old testament is the 8th division out of 24. If each division served one week at a time, they would only serve twice a year. Out of the 2 times a year they may be on duty, only one man was chosen, and how many men were in each division after many generations had passed? I say all of this to say: it is very likely that this was a once in a lifetime experience for him to even be standing where he’s standing. The crowd is gathered outside because it is the time of incense. In the Bible, incense is symbolic of the prayers of God’s people. At this moment in time, without the blood of the Lamb, gathering outside the temple at this hour was essentially the closest in time and space they could get to God’s presence. This means that Zechariah is standing the closest to God’s presence he has possibly ever been. And what does the angel say? That the Lord has heard his prayer. Could this mean that even after all this time, despite all odds, that in this rare, one-in-a-lifetime moment of unhindered prayer the cry of Zechariah’s heart was still for a child? Even with the wildest chances, the timing could only be a work of God, and was believed to be the will of God as they viewed casting lots to determine his will. God had designed this moment from the beginning of time to bring the voice in the wilderness—John the Baptist—who would prepare the way for Immanuel—God with us. However, what’s equally true is that Zechariah is here because he’s spent a lifetime walking faithfully in the commandments and statutes of the Lord. His waiting wasn’t spent sitting—it was spent serving. Half of waiting is God’s good and perfect will, but the other half is our own refinement. God prepared the timing and divine appointment, but Zechariah had a heart prepared due to a lifetime of willing obedience.
Questions:
1). How are you spending your waiting? Sitting or serving?
2). Where in your life can you be obedient right now to the Lord? Where is he calling you to serve in your waiting?
Prayer:
Lord, thank you for your sovereignty. Thank you that you are working ALL things for the good of those who love you. God, we don’t understand it, can’t fathom it, and often don’t even see it. But God, help us to rest in the truth that you ARE working, you are renewing and bringing new beginnings every single day. And you’re bringing some forth right now as we pray this together. Would you give us eyes to see it Lord? Don’t let my waiting be wasted, God, but help us prepare our own hearts for the plans you are preparing. Would you reveal to us where we need to seek obedience? We love you, Lord. Amen.
Original content written by Hallie Dye for LO sister app.
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